Trying To Find Balance

January 24, 2012


In my effort to find some balance again in my life, I decided to try to take up keeping a journal again, though some of the things I decide to write about I will keep strictly “on paper” to respect the privacy of some in my life.  For now, I have decided to add another paper journal to my collection that started when I was very young, and as each of those journals have been open for anyone to read (once I reached a point of being old enough and allowed myself to feel secure enough in opening myself up for criticism), so why not continue to be the “open book” that I am for those that want to know?

My journal is my best friend, and I hold no secrets from my absolute best friend, and I have found that writing down what is in my soul is easier than speaking it aloud some times.  Some thoughts may be painful for some to read, and some I may look back on and cringe at my own words, but that is a risk anyone who keeps a journal must take.  This gives those that want to know my thoughts the opportunity to see the depths of my soul on their own terms…when and if they have the interest in doing so.

My life has been turbulent in many ways lately and I can’t quite pin-point an exact trigger, or solution.  This, of course, bothers me in some regards, but in others, it has helped be find that I still have the ability to accept things “as is” and adapt to what life hands me.  I have noticed, however, that in my effort to “be selfish” and do things that I thought I needed to do for “me” and to make sure I don’t get lost in fantasy, I lost some direction and seemed to have created a distance from those I considered closest to me…right at a time I could have used that intimacy.

I have felt a bit lost, confused, fuzzy and contradictory in my thoughts and feelings recently.  In an effort to gain some clarity, I bought a few books the other day.  The one I chose to begin reading first is Beyond Religion: A Personal Program for Building a Spiritual Life Outside the Walls of Traditional Religion.  I am about 49 pages in and have found myself becoming teary and emotional.

Great…me being emotional…when will that ever end?  At least I’ve tried to keep the emotions hidden from others, as I get so tired of trying to defend what things touch me so deeply that it brings me to tears…regardless of whether they are tears of sadness, anxiety, joy or even relief.

So far the book seems to, in a sense, re-affirm that my deeply emotional side is a sign of my spirituality and soul-fullness.  If it is re-affirming what I already feel about myself, why am I ashamed of it?  Why do I run away from it?  Why do I stop doing the things that bring me passion in life?

Is it because, yet again, I feel that I have no real support in those things?  Is it that my passions are so dull that the ones I truly love and care about only hear with their ears but make it painfully obvious that they don’t want to actually listen to me or that they simply are paying me lip service by not fully paying attention or trying to find out what kind of support I need in my life?

Of course, then again, I write that down and I second guess myself and realize that I am holding others to my own expectations of how I relate to other people.  That seems to be a problem for me, and I am unsure how to correct it…or if it needs to be corrected at all.  When I do ask to be treated a specific way or ask for support, I seem to be given lectures on how I should or should not be feeling or reacting.  At times it almost seems as if I am told how “immature” I am and how others have a better or healthier view of life and how to handle it than I do, even though I have seen counselors/therapists off and on for most of my life and have a host of self-help books and am constantly trying to find out different or better ways of handling my life.

So maybe this is just the time for me to be a bit introspective and look to myself only for support and peace.  I mean I don’t “need” anyone else for support or to bring me peace, but I had always held out hope that others may want to follow me on my journey to peace and balance and the adventure of my life…just as I have been their supporting others in their journeys.  Then again, maybe this all boils down to my fear and unease with criticism directed at me and/or my actions, emotions and plans for my life.

I’ve been told many times that I seem to take life too seriously.  Really?  Isn’t life serious at times and don’t others see how I revel in the not-so-serious aspects of life?  I have a sense of humor, even a morbid one at times, but just because I don’t constantly make fun of people or situations does not mean I take life too seriously.  Why does me being compassionate equate to seriousness?  Why do my deep emotions and trying to find solutions to problems equate to serious drama?

Then again, why should I care?  Oh right…because I am human with deep emotions, which is why I can find so much joy in the smallest things that others seem to overlook or take for granted.  Unfortunately, that is me being a bit hypocritical, now isn’t it?  Here I was just saying that others seem to lecture me on how I live, love, and feel, yet I just did the same thing…

No wonder I feel so confused and conflicted now in life.  I am hoping that with some meditation, reading and maybe even some aromatherapy, I will find the peace I am looking for…with or without those I love supporting me on my journey…or loved ones being there with me in the end.

This life is too short to wait on others for too long…though I will hold out hope while I continue to move forward…as I have been and will continue to do.

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Ironically, I began reading again after writing this entry and a powerful statement caught my eye:

“Nothing is more important than being true to ourselves, to the daimon that lives at the core of our soul.  And what if this means we walk alone, that no one understands, that no one knows our name?  ‘And if the earthly no longer knows your name, whisper to the earth: I am flowing. To the flashing water say: I am’.”

This just gave me a sigh of…relief maybe…or is it contentment…or maybe what it did was remind me that who I really am…including the parts of me that others criticize and do not understand (or refuse to understand) is okay for me to accept…wholly and fully…

I know I may take this journey alone…and it is, and will be, okay to do this alone.