It Was Today

May 30, 2012


“It Was Today”

Today is the day I realized,
I could not change my feelings;
While they may seem idealized
They rest so much deeper than that.
Tender and caring, you see,
While humility and appreciation
Shown to more than simply a degree,
Yet my smile you were not able to notice.
You have softened a bit,
If I am not far mistaken,
So now I should admit
That trying to build this tough wall,
Wore me down more than I intended.
Layers were being built upon layers,
Closing the gaps that needed to be mended,
Then just as I got the hang of it,
You show your true rhyme
And the truth I hide behind the wall now tumbling
Is that my soul is truly sublime.

 

©Ami May, 2012

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I have decided to get back to my spiritual self and try a total of 5 exercises that were suggested, which is to help me identify what nurtures my soul and how to continue to nurture my soul.  The first of the exercises entails listing at least 8 of the most poignant moments in my life, good or bad, as even pain can touch the soul to the core, so while this may take some time, and multiple entries,  I can’t move forward if I do not put one foot in front of the other and take the leap.

1. Michael, whom I called my best friend in Kindergarten, moved to another city in 1st grade, sent a letter to me after he moved, and when our family moved to another state, my mother tried to help me locate him before we left.  Even though I was so young, I felt such a deep connection with him and could honestly say that I loved him.  The letter he wrote to me is still to this day, 27 or so years later, burned into my brain and I can see it in my mind as if it was on paper in front of me.  My experiences with Michael brought me profound happiness, serenity, loss, grief, and even a sense of betrayal when I never heard from him again, even after I replied to his letter to me.

2. My first experience of physical abuse, and each experience of physical and emotional abuse from that point on that spans a total of 27 years or so.  I could not understand it, but I know I felt such humiliation and an overwhelming loss of my sense self that I swore I would never do that to my children.

3. Camping, fishing, and canoeing with my family every summer in California and Wenatchee, WA.  I felt the most serene during these times and felt connected as a family.

4. White water rafting with my mom and brother one summer when I was about 9 or 10.  It was exhilarating, terrifying, and something I will never forget and hope to do again sometime.

5. Picking out a Christmas tree every winter and cutting it down ourselves.  The most memorable of these times was when we picked a tree out when I was about 13 and after we cut it down with a little hack saw because we didn’t have a chain saw, we got it home only to realize that it was too tall to fit into our house.  We cut the top off the tree and ended up with 2 Christmas trees that year.

6. Moving from Sumner, WA to Lewisville, TX when I was 14.  That was a very painful move but it was poignant in the fact I was able to see my mother make a very hard decision on where to be transferred to for her career based on what was best, in her opinion at the time, for her children, more so than where she wanted to go.

7. A family trip to Puerto Vallarta when I was about 11 or 12.  I experienced a whole new culture and thought I saw my mother happy for the first time in a long time, even in the face of my sister being extremely ill after drinking/using the local water when brushing her teeth.

8. The day I met my, now, ex-husband.  I felt empowered enough to suggest doing something I had not normally done with anyone by inviting him to come back to spend time with me after a party I hosted had ended.  It was a sensual night that led to something both deeply emotional and deeply painful while containing some of the most spiritual moments I have ever encountered during sex.  If it were not for meeting my ex-husband and throwing caution to the wind, I question whether I would have had so many soul touching moments as I have had, both good and bad.

9. The planning of my wedding, in addition to my wedding day.  It touched my soul to see my ex-husband take so much care in helping with the planning, including putting together my wedding veil, and even setting up the reception hall for after the ceremony, all while I simply sat on the sidelines on the day of the wedding.  I was touched so deeply with gratitude for everyone that helped with keeping our costs down, from the music DJ that simply asked for a dance with the bride as payment for services, to the co-worker that made a tiered wedding cake at no charge (which has a hugely funny and ironic story that, in and of itself, was a poignant moment), to the wedding party that helped decorate the church and reception hall, to my ex-husband’s uncle that printed our invitations free of charge as a wedding gift to us, to the 3 family members of mine that showed up, and the couple of close friends of mine that were friends prior to meeting my ex-husband.  The planning and day of the wedding left me feeling completely humbled and appreciative of every small thing in life, along with learning how to laugh at even the cake that had icing melting off the cake and a tier fall because we got married on the hottest day of the entire year.  That cake, while it ended up being one of the ugliest things I have ever seen after laughing about how it was just too darn hot for it to be perfect and thanking the cake maker, while trying to reassure her of absolutely no hard feelings or disappointments about the impending disaster cake, was the best tasting cake I have ever had…and I swear I have yet to taste a better tasting wedding cake to this day.

I am sure I will add more to this list, as I have not even discussed the deeply touching moments related to my children and friends of adulthood yet, let alone some of the accomplishments and passions I have, and I cannot wait to continue adding to this list.

Follow Me

January 16, 2012


The hunger rises to the surface
Though I dare not feast
For the price is too steep
As I might devour the soul.

Locking on to your gaze
My body falls into rage
Where all I want is in a cage
And I become trapped forever more.

Follow the sounds I make
Into the depths I move,
Settling in to a deep groove
Of what’s worth risking.

You’ve never been here with me before.
Push your boundaries and test your limits
To find where your mind and soul orbits;
What you find may surprise you.

Uncharted roads are ahead
Are you willing to take the chance?
Tell me now your stance;
Unwavering or up for debate.

I seem to leave you feeling enslaved,
You cannot take me for who I am,
Or accept that I am not a sham.
You hide yourself well…just like me.

We are alike in so many ways,
Our hungers insatiable and deep.
To keep moving forward one must take a leap
Just how much do you want an adventure?

©Ami May 2012

Just Savor the Moment

August 1, 2011


It’s so hard to breath…and I gasp…breathless…ecstatic…yet nervous…and scared…becoming completely overwhelmed…by mutual feelings of trust…passion…and love…

I am simply amazed at how deeply some words could touch, penetrate and pierce me as they continue to envelope my soul.  I was confident in the knowledge that while I knew the similar statements had been true days, weeks and months before, the words that night had felt of something that burned deep within, and until that night had been so deeply guarded.  I knew without a doubt that, while the melting of the façade would only be for this night and a cool detachment was sure to follow, I would not fall prey to fairy tale stories.

I had been very guarded so many times, showing glimpses of my soul less times than he probably really would believe me admitting to.  I knew the rules of the game, some before spoken aloud, while others were only found by accidentally crossing the lines of comfort, though none worth leaving patience behind.  I’ve learned to read him, though at times, when he always seems to ask the deep questions I do not want to answer, I feel nervous and lose my words, or maybe even revel in the possibility that it is a way to dodge breaking down my walls and asking the same in return.

At times, I feel as though I specifically chose a way to answer those deep questions so as to lead credence to the possibility that I might just be a bit on the overtly over-analytical side and emotionally unstable.  I do not feel I do it purposely for that reason, though I can’t help but question whether it is in the realm of reality to see this as a subconscious defect, or even a type of defense mechanism.

He saw me open up that night in a way he has probably never seen before.  What started out as light conversation led to noticing him intently listening to something I was talking about.  For some reason, in that moment, I saw an excitement and sense of pride, as well as true joy, that I had not at least taken notice of before.  I had seen him opening himself to me and over the course of our time together, seeing that side of him allowed me to feel I could comfortably fall into abandon and break down some of my walls as well.

While it may not be something that can easily be understood completely and I feel it is hard to explain in words, I allowed myself to be vulnerable to him in a way that left me completely naked and anxious for the lashes of mockery to befall my soul.  I finally allowed myself to trust him completely and, as I teased him in a way I very seldom do, I felt myself fall further at ease and contentment and no longer was I twitching in nervous anticipation of ridicule.

I heard many things that night, which culminated in one statement now seared in my brain forever…both realistically and romantically…though more difficult than any other to not lean towards a romantic version of the meaning…

“This feels so right…it feels…like home…”

Please do not question me too much on this, for I just want to forever savor the moment…