I have decided to get back to my spiritual self and try a total of 5 exercises that were suggested, which is to help me identify what nurtures my soul and how to continue to nurture my soul.  The first of the exercises entails listing at least 8 of the most poignant moments in my life, good or bad, as even pain can touch the soul to the core, so while this may take some time, and multiple entries,  I can’t move forward if I do not put one foot in front of the other and take the leap.

1. Michael, whom I called my best friend in Kindergarten, moved to another city in 1st grade, sent a letter to me after he moved, and when our family moved to another state, my mother tried to help me locate him before we left.  Even though I was so young, I felt such a deep connection with him and could honestly say that I loved him.  The letter he wrote to me is still to this day, 27 or so years later, burned into my brain and I can see it in my mind as if it was on paper in front of me.  My experiences with Michael brought me profound happiness, serenity, loss, grief, and even a sense of betrayal when I never heard from him again, even after I replied to his letter to me.

2. My first experience of physical abuse, and each experience of physical and emotional abuse from that point on that spans a total of 27 years or so.  I could not understand it, but I know I felt such humiliation and an overwhelming loss of my sense self that I swore I would never do that to my children.

3. Camping, fishing, and canoeing with my family every summer in California and Wenatchee, WA.  I felt the most serene during these times and felt connected as a family.

4. White water rafting with my mom and brother one summer when I was about 9 or 10.  It was exhilarating, terrifying, and something I will never forget and hope to do again sometime.

5. Picking out a Christmas tree every winter and cutting it down ourselves.  The most memorable of these times was when we picked a tree out when I was about 13 and after we cut it down with a little hack saw because we didn’t have a chain saw, we got it home only to realize that it was too tall to fit into our house.  We cut the top off the tree and ended up with 2 Christmas trees that year.

6. Moving from Sumner, WA to Lewisville, TX when I was 14.  That was a very painful move but it was poignant in the fact I was able to see my mother make a very hard decision on where to be transferred to for her career based on what was best, in her opinion at the time, for her children, more so than where she wanted to go.

7. A family trip to Puerto Vallarta when I was about 11 or 12.  I experienced a whole new culture and thought I saw my mother happy for the first time in a long time, even in the face of my sister being extremely ill after drinking/using the local water when brushing her teeth.

8. The day I met my, now, ex-husband.  I felt empowered enough to suggest doing something I had not normally done with anyone by inviting him to come back to spend time with me after a party I hosted had ended.  It was a sensual night that led to something both deeply emotional and deeply painful while containing some of the most spiritual moments I have ever encountered during sex.  If it were not for meeting my ex-husband and throwing caution to the wind, I question whether I would have had so many soul touching moments as I have had, both good and bad.

9. The planning of my wedding, in addition to my wedding day.  It touched my soul to see my ex-husband take so much care in helping with the planning, including putting together my wedding veil, and even setting up the reception hall for after the ceremony, all while I simply sat on the sidelines on the day of the wedding.  I was touched so deeply with gratitude for everyone that helped with keeping our costs down, from the music DJ that simply asked for a dance with the bride as payment for services, to the co-worker that made a tiered wedding cake at no charge (which has a hugely funny and ironic story that, in and of itself, was a poignant moment), to the wedding party that helped decorate the church and reception hall, to my ex-husband’s uncle that printed our invitations free of charge as a wedding gift to us, to the 3 family members of mine that showed up, and the couple of close friends of mine that were friends prior to meeting my ex-husband.  The planning and day of the wedding left me feeling completely humbled and appreciative of every small thing in life, along with learning how to laugh at even the cake that had icing melting off the cake and a tier fall because we got married on the hottest day of the entire year.  That cake, while it ended up being one of the ugliest things I have ever seen after laughing about how it was just too darn hot for it to be perfect and thanking the cake maker, while trying to reassure her of absolutely no hard feelings or disappointments about the impending disaster cake, was the best tasting cake I have ever had…and I swear I have yet to taste a better tasting wedding cake to this day.

I am sure I will add more to this list, as I have not even discussed the deeply touching moments related to my children and friends of adulthood yet, let alone some of the accomplishments and passions I have, and I cannot wait to continue adding to this list.

These Thoughts Will Not Stop

February 14, 2012

These Thoughts Will Not Stop

 I fear it is all a fairy tale
That will come crashing down
Don’t get too close
I’m poisonous
Dangerous to those who care
Serenity dissolved
Playing both sides of the fence
Darkness abounds
Pulling me apart
Nothing seems real
Dreams drifting to oblivion
The weight of the burdens
Dragging me further
Screams fall past my lips
To be lost forever more
Hauntingly peaceful
And only I know
Where I am

©Ami May 2012

Trying To Find Balance

January 24, 2012

In my effort to find some balance again in my life, I decided to try to take up keeping a journal again, though some of the things I decide to write about I will keep strictly “on paper” to respect the privacy of some in my life.  For now, I have decided to add another paper journal to my collection that started when I was very young, and as each of those journals have been open for anyone to read (once I reached a point of being old enough and allowed myself to feel secure enough in opening myself up for criticism), so why not continue to be the “open book” that I am for those that want to know?

My journal is my best friend, and I hold no secrets from my absolute best friend, and I have found that writing down what is in my soul is easier than speaking it aloud some times.  Some thoughts may be painful for some to read, and some I may look back on and cringe at my own words, but that is a risk anyone who keeps a journal must take.  This gives those that want to know my thoughts the opportunity to see the depths of my soul on their own terms…when and if they have the interest in doing so.

My life has been turbulent in many ways lately and I can’t quite pin-point an exact trigger, or solution.  This, of course, bothers me in some regards, but in others, it has helped be find that I still have the ability to accept things “as is” and adapt to what life hands me.  I have noticed, however, that in my effort to “be selfish” and do things that I thought I needed to do for “me” and to make sure I don’t get lost in fantasy, I lost some direction and seemed to have created a distance from those I considered closest to me…right at a time I could have used that intimacy.

I have felt a bit lost, confused, fuzzy and contradictory in my thoughts and feelings recently.  In an effort to gain some clarity, I bought a few books the other day.  The one I chose to begin reading first is Beyond Religion: A Personal Program for Building a Spiritual Life Outside the Walls of Traditional Religion.  I am about 49 pages in and have found myself becoming teary and emotional.

Great…me being emotional…when will that ever end?  At least I’ve tried to keep the emotions hidden from others, as I get so tired of trying to defend what things touch me so deeply that it brings me to tears…regardless of whether they are tears of sadness, anxiety, joy or even relief.

So far the book seems to, in a sense, re-affirm that my deeply emotional side is a sign of my spirituality and soul-fullness.  If it is re-affirming what I already feel about myself, why am I ashamed of it?  Why do I run away from it?  Why do I stop doing the things that bring me passion in life?

Is it because, yet again, I feel that I have no real support in those things?  Is it that my passions are so dull that the ones I truly love and care about only hear with their ears but make it painfully obvious that they don’t want to actually listen to me or that they simply are paying me lip service by not fully paying attention or trying to find out what kind of support I need in my life?

Of course, then again, I write that down and I second guess myself and realize that I am holding others to my own expectations of how I relate to other people.  That seems to be a problem for me, and I am unsure how to correct it…or if it needs to be corrected at all.  When I do ask to be treated a specific way or ask for support, I seem to be given lectures on how I should or should not be feeling or reacting.  At times it almost seems as if I am told how “immature” I am and how others have a better or healthier view of life and how to handle it than I do, even though I have seen counselors/therapists off and on for most of my life and have a host of self-help books and am constantly trying to find out different or better ways of handling my life.

So maybe this is just the time for me to be a bit introspective and look to myself only for support and peace.  I mean I don’t “need” anyone else for support or to bring me peace, but I had always held out hope that others may want to follow me on my journey to peace and balance and the adventure of my life…just as I have been their supporting others in their journeys.  Then again, maybe this all boils down to my fear and unease with criticism directed at me and/or my actions, emotions and plans for my life.

I’ve been told many times that I seem to take life too seriously.  Really?  Isn’t life serious at times and don’t others see how I revel in the not-so-serious aspects of life?  I have a sense of humor, even a morbid one at times, but just because I don’t constantly make fun of people or situations does not mean I take life too seriously.  Why does me being compassionate equate to seriousness?  Why do my deep emotions and trying to find solutions to problems equate to serious drama?

Then again, why should I care?  Oh right…because I am human with deep emotions, which is why I can find so much joy in the smallest things that others seem to overlook or take for granted.  Unfortunately, that is me being a bit hypocritical, now isn’t it?  Here I was just saying that others seem to lecture me on how I live, love, and feel, yet I just did the same thing…

No wonder I feel so confused and conflicted now in life.  I am hoping that with some meditation, reading and maybe even some aromatherapy, I will find the peace I am looking for…with or without those I love supporting me on my journey…or loved ones being there with me in the end.

This life is too short to wait on others for too long…though I will hold out hope while I continue to move forward…as I have been and will continue to do.


Ironically, I began reading again after writing this entry and a powerful statement caught my eye:

“Nothing is more important than being true to ourselves, to the daimon that lives at the core of our soul.  And what if this means we walk alone, that no one understands, that no one knows our name?  ‘And if the earthly no longer knows your name, whisper to the earth: I am flowing. To the flashing water say: I am’.”

This just gave me a sigh of…relief maybe…or is it contentment…or maybe what it did was remind me that who I really am…including the parts of me that others criticize and do not understand (or refuse to understand) is okay for me to accept…wholly and fully…

I know I may take this journey alone…and it is, and will be, okay to do this alone.