Not What It Seems

August 29, 2011


Love and devotion
At times most inanimate
Cold silence filling the voids
Trembling with fear
Avoidance reigns on high
Reeking of desperation
If only to not make waves
Comfortable bliss in denial
Fantasies crumbling
Fairy tales disappear
Reality too painful
Accountability kept at bay
Losing it all slowly
Finding it inched away
Everyone else to blame
Nothing defined or set in stone
Lest a promise actually be broken
Belief in yourself non-existent
Yet praise is the goal most sought
Growing apart daily
Turning away outstretched hands
Sincere in hopes to travel the perilous road
While guiding and helping
Never seems to be good enough
Double standards as the set standard
Refusal to look in the mirror
Or refusal to move from the line
Control the ultimate high
Respecting fear
Instead of commanding respect
Close minded views
Never to contemplate the other
No need for discussion
“Right” the gold among the copper
Self-pity and martyrdom
The tables turn once again
Mountains from mole hills
Brushing dust into a corner
Until mountains are made
Thin ice to skate
Emotionless and logical is professed
But logic is instantly struck down by emotion instead
Afraid of being alone
Others in company swimming in loneliness
Oblivion taking shape
Daggers of buried pain
Rip apart the fabric
Disappointment falling to the Earth
Drama of extremes
Silent films
Yet screaming horrors
Filling most days
Peaceful melodies only in slumber
Deafening noise in wake
Believe what you may
Though tomorrow it may all go away

©Ami May 2011

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No, I’m not doing this the way most “normal” people think it should be done…so to Hell with what they feel is the “proper” way of handling a divorce…this is my life, and my soon to be ex-husband’s life, as well as our children’s lives, not theirs.

Since when did it become acceptable to tell others what “should be” done simply because that is what has been considered “the normal way”?  Why do some constantly ask specific dates of when things will be moving forward, as well as continually question what the next step will be when we haven’t even been able to communicate for years (hence the biggest reason for this dissolution of marriage), let alone discuss and come to compromises on one of  the greatest heartaches and senses of failure someone can deal with?

Since when did I ever truly follow what is seen as “normal”, anyway, and why would I chose to follow that path now all of a sudden?

When psychologists, psychiatrists, counselors, and self-help gurus cannot even seem to decide what is “normal” or “healthy”, why should I believe that what I have chosen to attempt would not work and be healthy?  I know what things I believe as harmful to my health and well-being, and even more-so for my children, so why not let me at least try what is a unique way of handling things and change directions when, and if, I see it going down the road of depravity and self-destruction?

Some of my motivation could be considered selfish or even simply stated as self-preservation.  While it can be construed that way, and there is some truth to it, there are many true altruistic reasons for the madness of this chaotic and self-reflective journey.

I am going through this blind, yet with eyes wide open and willing to change with the flowing tide in many ways…however, I know without a doubt that I cannot and will not back down from this exceptionally terrifying and exhilarating adventure that is probably long overdue…for both of us.