Compared To Someone Else

August 2, 2014


It sucks to hear that you are being compared to someone else, especially in our intimate relationships, though as time goes by, I begin to believe more and more that there is just no way around it, no matter how hard you try. I could be wrong in my assessment that we shouldn’t be held to a standard or absolute of “never comparing” one person to another, however, I think it is unrealistic to allow ourselves the option of comparing other things in our lives, but not people. How do we ever know that we want and don’t want, or like and don’t like, in other aspects of our lives if we don’t compare one experience to another. Let’s take ordering dinner in a restaurant to explain my position, for the sake of showing the double standards we impose on others because of our fragile egos.

If you order a steak dinner from one restaurant, and then go to another restaurant,
whether it is the next day or 5 years down the road and order the same type of steak
dinner, such as prime rib, do you not compare one against another and determine a preference for when you decide you want to have a prime rib dinner again in the future? Our preference to one establishment for a steak dinner comes to us by comparing the experiences, whether it is simply the atmosphere of the establishment, the service given by the employees, the way the dinner was prepared to our specific requests, or the available side dishes, among so many other details that your mind grasps. Do you not give feedback to an establishment about an area that you feel they are commendable in or areas where you would like to see improvement on?

If we can do this when it comes to an eating establishment, without any question and
almost automatically in some instances, then why are we not allowed to do this in our intimate relationships? Why is it forbidden and seen as such a treasonous act if a comparison is made, which tends to be frowned upon more when we compare items that are things we don’t like and would like to see improvements on? Are we allowed to compare and only recommend places to others because of the good things but not allowed to state any of the things we were not completely thrilled with or suggest that someone not dine at one establishment due to specific reasons? Do restaurant owners never dine anywhere else other than their own establishment or seek reviews because their feelings might be hurt by seeing or hearing things because they do not want to know that the reality is that they may not be “perfect”? Why is there such a double standard for every single thing in our life that we like or don’t like, want or don’t want, with the exception of relationships?

In my intimate relationships from birth, I have been through a lot of pain, as well as joy, and I have realized that there is only so much pain I can handle before loving feelings are replaced with bitterness and resentment, so why am I not allowed to say that I am sensitive to certain things, which have been brought upon by people in my past (and possibly present)? Why do I have to spare someone else’s ego by intentionally beating around the bush in stating that something, or someone, is pushing me away because of someone else’s mistreatment of me in the past? Why is it okay for me to dote on the comparisons that show what I do like, yet not speak of those things I don’t like or don’t want, and try to get to a position that is either more tolerant or a deal breaker?

I am not naïve, and whether it is true or not, I choose to believe that I am being compared to others in any relationship – if I wasn’t, then how could someone say that I am “good” at any specific part of a relationship, let alone what frustrations I bring to a relationship? – and, while it is not fun to find similarities from one to another that I’d rather not find, I have been learning how to use that as motivation to improve some aspects about myself that may need to be improved upon. I know that I can be very aggressive in conversations, even though I don’t intend to be, and I am still trying to improve how I can be aggressive, yet know when to take a break instead of continuing, because if taken too far, it isn’t healthy or helpful, and those that are bothered by it the most, are the ones who have had it happen to them before with others and they are sensitive to some of my aggressive conversation style.

It reminds me of being burned by a fire or stove – an analogy I’ve used over the years in relationships to explain why I’ve admitted comparing and being insecure in certain situations, regardless of whether it was received well and agreed upon as a proper explanation or not. Each time you are burned by a fire or stove, even the mere image of one (whether it is a picture or physically within your eyesight), especially if you are burned over a very long period of time, can bring about anxiety at a minimum, and even physical pain where you’ve been burned before. It would make sense; to me at least, that the same idea and physiological events when burned by heat applies to pain that may have been given by another person, whether physical or emotional. For some people it can be very difficult to put their boundaries into words without associating them with a specific name – I happen to be one of them, at this point – especially if specific names have been associated with them for an extended period of their lives. As hard as I try to not associate a name with a situation, especially if it is one that is painful, I am unable to completely express things without the association somehow being made, either outright or inferred by the person I am speaking to.

I may need more help in putting my boundaries, likes, dislikes, and such into words that are vague enough to not let anyone know that I’ve used my past experiences to determine them, though I do not think I should be dismissed simply because I am unable to do it well enough yet to not hurt someone’s feelings by stating “I didn’t like how this person treated me like this…” or “Your actions/statements/etc. are things I have dealt with before and I don’t like it…” or other comparison about my past to my present.

Maybe a list here will give me a bit more clarity, and if anyone does read this, maybe they can offer suggestions and help me be a bit more sensitive to other’s egos when it comes to the sensitive things that I wish to make boundaries, so I can find more to compliment by comparison (which almost everyone doesn’t seem to mind) instead of criticize in those I love. As I have written this, something seems to really stick out that I’ve been in denial about; I may have never really been able to heal from one burn completely before I have been burned again, so at times, I feel as if I am doomed to continue the cycle…

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A Bitter Reality

December 13, 2012


First song that sets the backdrop for this part of my life has got to be “Narcissistic Cannibal” by Korn, with the raw and deep emotions in not only the tone of the voice, but in the message it actually conveys within the lyrics. This applies to a few people in my life only and things I keep in my life when I probably shouldn’t let some things just continue to be status quo…

“Don’t wanna be sly and defile you
Desecrate my mind and rely on you
I just wanna break this crown
But it’s hard when I’m so run down…”

I truly am run down from trying to maintain a status that flexes to and fro, with hidden expectations that turned to resentments, between someone who is to never to break a promise yet striving for perfection, and the most vile person that quits when they promised they never would. I want to stop wearing this invisible crown that changes on a dime, and I never know what will be blamed once I started to rely so much on you. My mind has been ravaged in ways that cannot begin to be told, sending it bouncing to extremes from one end of the pole to the other.

“And you’re so cynical, Narcissistic Cannibal!
Got to bring myself back from the dead!…”

I have always been to blame for the problems, and he always wanted to be right, no matter what the actual cost was, and I accepted it for a time, being dragged away from who I was towards what I know was dead…my hopes and dreams of further education and exploration of life, with someone I would be honored to call a life partner, best friend, soul mate, lover, and maybe even husband…while helping them grow in whatever ways they may want.

“Sometimes, I hate, the life, I made
Everything’s wrong every time
Pushing on I can’t escape
Everything that comes my way
Is haunting me taking its sweet time
Holding on I’m lost in a haze
Fighting life to the end of my days…”

I hate that I let my life get this way. I rushed into something because I felt the hurt of an unspoken rejection. I was rescued right when I was close to both making it completely on my own and losing it all because of one wrong move fueled by good intentions. I took words at face value and chose to ignore behaviors that were abusive, and even fell victim to being the attacker, so I own up to making it worse, or at least not actively better. I take steps forward, seeking outside help, for I feel it’s taking so painstakingly long and I have these hurdles that keep popping up that I have to continue conquering to get to where I want to be and letting go of that toxicity because I won’t stop having dreams and goals just because of you.

“Don’t wanna be rude but I have to
Nothing’s good about the hell you put me through
I just need to look around
See that life that has come unbound…”

The Hell you put me through has some happy moments, sometimes as small as pebbles, some a bit larger like a smooth skipping stone, and only a couple large rocks, filed away in my mind, heart, and soul. The effects of adding other stones on top of those, as they were held to the limbo status, because of the fears you carried and I had to hold as well because you chose to deny them, tossing them behind you, not realizing they landed right in front of me in my path of you. I held my stone but dropped in pace behind you slightly. With each denial of the reality I spoke of, I added my own stones inside me so I could focus on moving the stones you kept laying in my path, trying desperately to be what you said I was, yet continually had more stones added in front of me you expected me to work a way around to find you again, so I eventually started tossing a few stones your way as well as I wore further and further down. Once the stones got to be too great for me to bear, I finally saw that for me to lose the burden I was carrying and tossing, I had to toss the stones a different way, whether it was knocking two stones together to break them into smaller and more manageable sizes or acknowledge the size that they are and toss them beside me to mark my path…

And now is where the next song in the backdrop of my life starts chiming in, “Breaking The Habit” by Linkin Park, which I will break down in my next entry, because I know I will break the habit that has taken over in direct as well as insidious ways, and not only survive, but also thrive, even if only emotionally…

It Was Today

May 30, 2012


“It Was Today”

Today is the day I realized,
I could not change my feelings;
While they may seem idealized
They rest so much deeper than that.
Tender and caring, you see,
While humility and appreciation
Shown to more than simply a degree,
Yet my smile you were not able to notice.
You have softened a bit,
If I am not far mistaken,
So now I should admit
That trying to build this tough wall,
Wore me down more than I intended.
Layers were being built upon layers,
Closing the gaps that needed to be mended,
Then just as I got the hang of it,
You show your true rhyme
And the truth I hide behind the wall now tumbling
Is that my soul is truly sublime.

 

©Ami May, 2012

The Game We Played

February 14, 2012


The Game We Played

You know what you had
Yet never took action
You took it for granted
Throw me away
Toss me aside
It always makes
You feel better
To see when I hate
Your self-righteous noises
Curdle inside me
Your smooth words
Can settle a storm
Though I hate the game
You so often thrust me in to
Never wishing to sacrifice
Feeling you are entitled
Forcing me to do
The very things you loathe
Watching me suffer
Then salt you do pour
Into mockery and disdain
Expecting yet even more
My soul escaped me
Shriveled and used
I left you alone
Searching for so much more
Now that you lost me
You cannot seem to bear
What your life will become
Through the grudges I held
Love has never died
Though for now
It is you that must see
What you resented
Turning into what you
Always truly wanted
And honestly respected.

©Ami May 2012


It was about 5 months ago now that my closest male friend, someone I deeply care about and love, had a life changing event occur that in turn also brought about some life changes of my own, even in the process of my life changes and soul-searching that were already in progress.  While these events occurred and made me re-evaluate some things in my life, admit to others, and possibly even deny yet some other things, I accepted how my life was progressing and moving and actively going along with the changing tide with an open mind and heart.

As my friend, whom I will call “Wolf” for the purpose of this entry, was facing a realization of events that lead to him considering himself an alcoholic, I was putting myself into a position of being a support system that thrust me into some serious introspection.  As this event began to unfold, I had emotions rise to the surface that I could not explain, and I cannot seem to explain things even now.  I do not think I can forget the night when the first introspective moment hit me like a ton of bricks and a wave of emotions flooded over me that felt like I was seriously in trouble of drowning and I was disoriented.

The night started out with friends playing a few rounds of poker, and while it caught me as a bit “odd” in retrospect that I took notice of something that night that I had not taken real notice of before, I cannot deny that I did actually notice it.  I had a bit of a protective feeling towards Wolf that night that I had not felt before.  It wasn’t a possessive feeling, or one of judgement, or even one of criticism.  It was just a strange feeling of taking notice of the drinks he was consuming and then having an overwhelming feeling of “this isn’t like him” and a general feeling of wanting to reach out but not really knowing in what way.  I can almost guarantee that it was because of this feeling that I asked to try one of the drinks he had, which I rarely do, almost as if I needed to take one to keep him from drinking it.

Wolf can take care of himself, don’t get me wrong, which is why the feelings of anxiety and protective instincts felt so out-of-place for me.  I did not dwell on it, though, nor did I try to analyze those feelings right then and simply continued on with the fun night.  When Wolf lost his chips and was taken out of the game, he left, and I was left with a feeling in the pit of my stomach that, yet again, “this isn’t like him” by his reactions and I just couldn’t seem to figure out why I felt that way.  I had a sense of concern that seemed to come from no where in particular, and while I was nervous about showing my concern, out of a fear that my actions or statements would somehow belie that it was a genuine concern that I could not explain, even though I trusted Wolf with every fiber of my being, I tried as hard as I could to figure out a way to express my concern without seeming overwhelming, clingy or controlling.  Looking back, all I can do is admit to my very apparent “codependent” way of seeking to handle it, though I despise actually admitting to that, as the term codependent has such a negative connotation and almost every single compassionate action or statement of concern can be twisted into this sickness of codependency.  I did try to contact him later and ensure that things were okay, and after a reassurance that he was okay and decided to go out somewhere else, I resumed the night, which ended when I finally got home and went to bed about 3:00 in the morning.

I had just fallen into a deep sleep after still not being able to shake a strange feeling deep in my soul, that I continually tried to ignore and not analyze, when my phone rang somewhere around 5:00 am.  I looked at my phone to see that it was Wolf calling, so I answered it, not knowing why he would be calling me at such an hour.  Why I actually answered at that time, I have no idea, as I had not taken calls from him from time to time due to what else was going on in my life at those moments, but I did answer for some reason.  When I answered, the phone call broke up before I could hear much from him, so when the call got disconnected, I sent him a text message to make sure everything was okay.  I had not quite finished the text message yet, and he called again, so I answered, and this time, my heart fell to the pit of my stomach.  Though the reception was poor, I heard Wolf state quickly that he was in jail as he had been picked up for a DUI, had nobody else to call, and asked if I could come and bail him out.

My mind could barely focus and I was overwhelmed with conflicting emotions.  I was trying to stay calm and logical, trying to figure out where I could come up with the money needed to get him out of jail, all while fending off tears, hearing that nagging lump in my stomach telling me that maybe, just maybe, my earlier intuition had been right to listen to, and listening to him trying to tell me where he was at before the conversation was disconnected yet again.  I was exhausted and had only had a couple of hours of sleep, but Wolf called me because he needed help…he was asking for my help…and I could not bear to turn him away when he had not asked for my help in this way before.  There was something in his voice that kept me from denying him, even though the cost of helping him was great, in more ways than strictly monetary.

I told him that I would be there as soon as I could, pulled on some clothes, grabbed what I needed and jumped in my car and headed in the general direction of where he was.  I didn’t even know where the jail was, but from what Wolf told me, I knew it had to be somewhere close to where he lived, which was at least a 45 minute drive from my house.  I stopped at the first open gas station that had an ATM and tried to use my brand new credit card to take a cash advance of the money needed to bail him out.  After 3 attempts, I got back into my car and cried, as the transactions kept being denied for whatever reason that I was not fully aware of (I found out later that since it was the first time I tried to use my card and it was for a cash advance, they denied the request until it could be verified as not fraudulent).

My mind would not seem to slow down at that point, and I knew that while the drive would be a minimum of 45 minutes, that was 45 minutes too long for my brain to have competing thoughts racing at what seemed like a million miles an hour.  I grabbed my GPS and did a search for where the jail would most likely be and then let the voice guide me as I tried to pay attention to the road that was covered in a dense fog that barely had visibility of more than 2 feet.  My thoughts made it very difficult to concentrate, but I could not stop.

Was he in an accident and hurt someone because he had been drinking and driving?  How could he be so foolish?  Why didn’t he allow me to be there for him before this happened with his almost severe independence?  How was I going to come up with the money to bail him out of jail?  Was this a time when I should use “tough love” and let him suffer the consequences for his actions?  Why was I going to bail him out of jail when I wouldn’t have answered the phone for others in my life at that time of day, let alone left my home to travel almost an hour to rescue them from an inconvenient consequence of their own actions?  What in the Hell was I doing?  What did this say about how much I cared about him?

These were just some of the thousands of thoughts running through my mind, including guilt about times when I should not have been driving because of having too much to drink.  I also remembered feeling resentment that stemmed from an instance of being pulled over for not making a complete stop at a stop sign a few years earlier that left me feeling like the officer talking to me and giving me sobriety tests was trying to trick me in some way and how emotionally upset I was that he continually tried to coerce me into accepting that I needed a ride home instead of driving myself (which sure felt like entrapment, and I stood my ground when I knew from the sobriety tests, including breathalyzer, that I was well within limits and driving just fine, other than making the mistake of not stopping long enough at a stop sign on a back road).  I continued to drive, almost white knuckling the steering wheel, sobbing in bursts, but thanking a higher power that he was, in fact, okay and alive, while having a sensation of not knowing whether this was all just a horrible dream or reality.

Once I found the jail, I decided to try to find an ATM that was owned by my bank, knowing that I needed to pull out the maximum allowable cash withdrawal and it was going to be short-changing my mortgage payment and all my available cash in my wallet to get him out of jail.  I put the cash that spit out from the machine in my wallet and made my way to the entrance of the jail that was open 24 hours a day.  I opened the door to find a small hallway with no windows and an intercom system, so I pressed the button with knots in my stomach and my hands literally shaking to call someone and figure out what the heck I needed to do to try and end this nightmare.  A man answered and asked what I needed in a short but not completely rude tone, and I was frozen for a moment, as I had never in my 33 years ever bailed anyone out of jail and had no clue what the proper procedure really was.  I told him my name and proceeded to tell him that I was there to bail out an inmate, Wolf.  He responded in a way that left me feeling quite cold and questioning my own strength as he proclaimed that the computers were down so I could not bail Wolf out of jail at that time, so I needed to leave.  I remember asking how long it would take for the computers to be back up, thinking that maybe this was a scheduled outage for updates like most large companies do, and all he responded is that he didn’t know, so I would have to call in about an hour and check the status of whether or not Wolf could be released.

I turned around, walked out the door, and tears flooded my eyes while yet another set of conflicting emotions took over.  I was angry and hurt at the dismissal, let alone the apparent lack of empathy or courtesy the attendant had given to me through the cold and calculating intercom, and I began to think about how much of my time I was wasting to help Wolf.  I wanted to be back in my comfortable bed sleeping, not wasting at least yet another hour out of my day when there was no businesses open for me simply wander though and get lost in to bide my time.  I was left to simply wander in my own mind, which can be a scary thing for me, and if too much time is left aimlessly sifting through thoughts without any outlet, I feared I would become the emotional basket case psychotic woman who was weak and not able to handle difficult situations.  I would be a failure if I wasn’t able to hold it together and get this taken care of, yet there was honestly nothing around to help with finding that peace and strength for my soul, except to look within myself, acknowledge the feelings and move past them as best as I could.  I realized that this was going to be a test of my strength, though I wasn’t ready for it at this moment, even though I knew in my soul that I had no control of when and how this test was happening, and all I could do was to control my reactions to the best of my abilities.

I decided to go through a drive through and grab a few bites to eat, questioning why I was choosing to do that, as I certainly didn’t feel hungry at that exact moment, and then chastising myself for falling into the action of this, because if analyzed, it could be seen as an avoidance tactic of dealing with reality – an eating disorder where food is used as comfort and avoidance of dealing with troublesome emotions – but I realized after I took a bite of the food I ordered, I really wasn’t hungry and I wasn’t in the mood to eat.  In fact, this reaffirmed my sentiment that I had overcome using food to mask and soothe difficult emotions, at least at the moment of trying to deal with them, and I had moved to a place of being actually repulsed by food during my most emotional moments.  I saved what I did not eat, thinking that maybe Wolf would want it when he was finally able to be released.

I kept looking at the clock in my car, trying to wish the time to move faster, but it wouldn’t, and finally I called the jail after about 45 minutes, deciding I could not wait any longer to try to figure out what was going on with Wolf and when I would be able to get myself to a place where I could actually sleep.  The woman that answered the phone was much more helpful and courteous than than the man I dealt with inside the building, though I was told they still were not sure when the computer’s would be up and running to be available to release Wolf.  This was now becoming extremely annoying and I wanted to scream at the woman on the other end of the line, but I kept my cool, and was told that she would call me as soon as she knew anything more and asked me for my phone number so she could keep her promise.  Granted, I was a bit jaded and frustrated, but I politely gave her my phone number thinking that I was going to have to wait yet another eternity, and just felt exhausted by that point.  It was about 10 minutes later that I got a phone call, though I didn’t recognize the phone number, and answered the call.  I honestly can’t remember exactly what was said other than one poignant thing about Wolf that made me chuckle a bit and think to myself, “now this is how he really is”.  The woman that called me said that it was fine for me to come back to the jail, gain entrance, pay the bail fee, and let Wolf out, which is what he had made painfully obvious as what he wanted once he realized I would be able to get him released.  That was the Wolf I knew…

I entered the jail, yet again, and finally gained entrance where I met a woman who was behind glass that either seemed very genuine in wanting to help me, or extremely willing to finally let Wolf out so as to gain some sort of sanity back.  Wolf is not a jerk by any means, though just as I am at times, he can become very passionate in his feelings and crusades, which can create reactions from people that could be construed as possibly annoyed, if not offended, and while I couldn’t quite place where her reactions were on that scale of compassion or offense, I was simply relieved that one part of this nightmare was finally over.  Once I paid the bail fee and signed liability statements, I was told that I should go wait out in my car and that Wolf would be released and meet me outside when they could get his paperwork processed, which they said was their top priority at that point.  So I went out to my car to wait…again.

I don’t even remember how long I waited, but I will not forget how I saw him come out of the door in my rear view mirror, and when he opened the passenger side door and got in my car, all I could do was break down in tears.  The tears flowed from relief; release of anxiety, frustration, and love…a true unconditional love, as well as the realization that I would go through Hell with, or for, Wolf if he needed me to.  A romanticized notion in some regards, a codependent notion in others, but none of those really seem to fit as it was honestly, simply a moment of clarity as to just how deeply I loved and cared about Wolf, and how I just how far I would be willing to go to be a support for him and help him in life.  It was in that moment I realized just how much I was willing to be a true life partner…if he truly wanted me as a life partner.

He asked me why I was emotional at that moment, but I could not muster the words to answer him.  They were caught in my throat and with a million other thoughts running at the exact same time, I truly could not figure out how to explain why I was in tears.  I was not ashamed of my freely flowing expression of emotions, nor was I nervous about explaining them; I just could not put to words what I was feeling, because I tried and the words would not come, so I was silent for a moment and listened to him vent his frustrations at that moment.  I remember feeling an sense of pride, because even with his poor choice that led to this consequence, he was one of the strongest men I knew, while being one of the most sensitive men, and I also felt humbled beyond belief that he felt I was worthy enough to be in his life.

Writing it out that way seems to set me up for the critical remarks of simply being taken advantage of, being a doormat, being a slave, being too codependent, being an enabler, and every other unhealthy thing that could be placed on our relationship, but it certainly didn’t seem that way at the time.  Yes, I know, another “red flag” and one I actually noticed and took heed of, though again, in my soul, this was a true defining moment and a bit of a turning point in our relationship.  I had probably let him take advantage of me at times, though I never once gave up who I am at my core, or let him cross boundaries that I had placed due to very unhealthy relationships in the past.  I knew I had a much higher tolerance to others “taking advantage” of me, which for me is simply being compassionate and helping other people, especially if they have nobody else to turn to, though I have my own boundaries that I have placed and do not let people cross those, so I feel that I do know what is healthy for me and what is not.  He was not being unhealthy for me, nor were my reactions to this night unhealthy for me.  In fact, this seemed to bring about even stronger healthy bonds and boundaries, which makes sense when most of our true life changes come from some of the most painful times in our lives that test our limits, if not push our limits to new lengths that, in the end, create new limits.

As this part of the background of the new journey comes to close and the next part of the background is written, all I can do is thank my higher power for such an amazing person in my life.  Everyone has made an imprint in my life and helped change or shape who I am, and Wolf has been nothing short of a blessing, whom I am eternally grateful to have met.  I may not make as much of an imprint as he has for me, but I do know that Wolf loves me, and it is an honest love that burns deeper than simply a fairy tale romance from my perspective and feelings.  Where it goes, I am unsure, and only time will tell, though I do hope that this next journey I am about to take is something Wolf is prepared for me to take, as I have a feeling this will become a very defining moment for me, him, and what we consider as a definition for our relationship.

Wolf may decide that he truly wants me to take this journey, since it is not really about him in many ways and it is about me honestly, though I will not waste my time and will leave him behind if he has difficulty accepting that in at least one way, this is about him and his journeys and my efforts to understand and support his journeys.  If I see that I am investing too much of my time and energy into taking this journey, that is a little bit of a change of direction for me due to supporting and adapting to his own journey, without Wolf’s support and the ability to accept the risks and consequences of this next chapter, then I will painfully leave Wolf to make his quest individually and change my direction to ensure I don’t give more than I can risk losing…including the risk of losing myself.

Trying To Find Balance

January 24, 2012


In my effort to find some balance again in my life, I decided to try to take up keeping a journal again, though some of the things I decide to write about I will keep strictly “on paper” to respect the privacy of some in my life.  For now, I have decided to add another paper journal to my collection that started when I was very young, and as each of those journals have been open for anyone to read (once I reached a point of being old enough and allowed myself to feel secure enough in opening myself up for criticism), so why not continue to be the “open book” that I am for those that want to know?

My journal is my best friend, and I hold no secrets from my absolute best friend, and I have found that writing down what is in my soul is easier than speaking it aloud some times.  Some thoughts may be painful for some to read, and some I may look back on and cringe at my own words, but that is a risk anyone who keeps a journal must take.  This gives those that want to know my thoughts the opportunity to see the depths of my soul on their own terms…when and if they have the interest in doing so.

My life has been turbulent in many ways lately and I can’t quite pin-point an exact trigger, or solution.  This, of course, bothers me in some regards, but in others, it has helped be find that I still have the ability to accept things “as is” and adapt to what life hands me.  I have noticed, however, that in my effort to “be selfish” and do things that I thought I needed to do for “me” and to make sure I don’t get lost in fantasy, I lost some direction and seemed to have created a distance from those I considered closest to me…right at a time I could have used that intimacy.

I have felt a bit lost, confused, fuzzy and contradictory in my thoughts and feelings recently.  In an effort to gain some clarity, I bought a few books the other day.  The one I chose to begin reading first is Beyond Religion: A Personal Program for Building a Spiritual Life Outside the Walls of Traditional Religion.  I am about 49 pages in and have found myself becoming teary and emotional.

Great…me being emotional…when will that ever end?  At least I’ve tried to keep the emotions hidden from others, as I get so tired of trying to defend what things touch me so deeply that it brings me to tears…regardless of whether they are tears of sadness, anxiety, joy or even relief.

So far the book seems to, in a sense, re-affirm that my deeply emotional side is a sign of my spirituality and soul-fullness.  If it is re-affirming what I already feel about myself, why am I ashamed of it?  Why do I run away from it?  Why do I stop doing the things that bring me passion in life?

Is it because, yet again, I feel that I have no real support in those things?  Is it that my passions are so dull that the ones I truly love and care about only hear with their ears but make it painfully obvious that they don’t want to actually listen to me or that they simply are paying me lip service by not fully paying attention or trying to find out what kind of support I need in my life?

Of course, then again, I write that down and I second guess myself and realize that I am holding others to my own expectations of how I relate to other people.  That seems to be a problem for me, and I am unsure how to correct it…or if it needs to be corrected at all.  When I do ask to be treated a specific way or ask for support, I seem to be given lectures on how I should or should not be feeling or reacting.  At times it almost seems as if I am told how “immature” I am and how others have a better or healthier view of life and how to handle it than I do, even though I have seen counselors/therapists off and on for most of my life and have a host of self-help books and am constantly trying to find out different or better ways of handling my life.

So maybe this is just the time for me to be a bit introspective and look to myself only for support and peace.  I mean I don’t “need” anyone else for support or to bring me peace, but I had always held out hope that others may want to follow me on my journey to peace and balance and the adventure of my life…just as I have been their supporting others in their journeys.  Then again, maybe this all boils down to my fear and unease with criticism directed at me and/or my actions, emotions and plans for my life.

I’ve been told many times that I seem to take life too seriously.  Really?  Isn’t life serious at times and don’t others see how I revel in the not-so-serious aspects of life?  I have a sense of humor, even a morbid one at times, but just because I don’t constantly make fun of people or situations does not mean I take life too seriously.  Why does me being compassionate equate to seriousness?  Why do my deep emotions and trying to find solutions to problems equate to serious drama?

Then again, why should I care?  Oh right…because I am human with deep emotions, which is why I can find so much joy in the smallest things that others seem to overlook or take for granted.  Unfortunately, that is me being a bit hypocritical, now isn’t it?  Here I was just saying that others seem to lecture me on how I live, love, and feel, yet I just did the same thing…

No wonder I feel so confused and conflicted now in life.  I am hoping that with some meditation, reading and maybe even some aromatherapy, I will find the peace I am looking for…with or without those I love supporting me on my journey…or loved ones being there with me in the end.

This life is too short to wait on others for too long…though I will hold out hope while I continue to move forward…as I have been and will continue to do.

********************************************************

Ironically, I began reading again after writing this entry and a powerful statement caught my eye:

“Nothing is more important than being true to ourselves, to the daimon that lives at the core of our soul.  And what if this means we walk alone, that no one understands, that no one knows our name?  ‘And if the earthly no longer knows your name, whisper to the earth: I am flowing. To the flashing water say: I am’.”

This just gave me a sigh of…relief maybe…or is it contentment…or maybe what it did was remind me that who I really am…including the parts of me that others criticize and do not understand (or refuse to understand) is okay for me to accept…wholly and fully…

I know I may take this journey alone…and it is, and will be, okay to do this alone.

Master’s Poem

November 16, 2011


Never wishing to be controlled completely
Gives way to carnal desires
As a beautifully dark romance begins
And a new reality’s song captures me

The loving devotion he shows
In a world he never knew before
Sends shivers up my spine
While longing to continue the exploration

He whispers in my ear while his hands tangle in my hair
My vigilante control loses its power
And I become more vulnerable
Slowly and surely submitting to him

The weight of the collar he chose
Originally felt as cumbersome and rough
Is silk as it slides sensuously against my skin
While he adorns me and claims me as his own

He tugs at my hair firmly but gently
Giving him a better view of his possession
And a smile forms upon his lips
As he gazes into my eyes with hunger

I have fallen into the spell that is my Master
Freely and willingly I seek to please him
For I know that what I give he will return in kind
As I am now his beloved and cherished pet…always.

The Embrace

October 27, 2011


The Embrace

We see each other

Then we embrace

I fight back tears

As my body shakes

Your arms surround me

My feet lift off the ground

Sending me into the clouds

And I make a wonderful sound

Guided by the powers of nature

A bird soaring above the Earth

Wonderful feelings of peace

Love, forgiveness and rebirth

My heart blooms again

In a display of wondrous and vivid color

The petals of hope and passion

Open completely to make me taller

I stare into your eyes

As I come back to reality

Knowing the truth was always there

Within my own mentality

I was lost until I found your love

If you hold my hand while we roam

There will always be my devotion and love for you

As we search for that place we together will call home.

©Ami May 2011

One Way Or Another

October 27, 2011


One Way Or Another

I noticed small hints as you spoke

Though I never asked for clarification,

Afraid that if I looked any deeper

The temptation would be too great to resist,

For what I heard in your absence

Was my own heart and soul

Whispering the same sentiments

As your carefully chosen words.

All encompassing fear…

The only thing that kept me from

Asking you to come further in to my life,

Finally able to put it to rest,

For I know I can no longer

Deny or hide from these feelings

As they have been lingering

And growing stronger each day within me

You captivate and intrigue me

Leaving me essentially speechless

As I look into your eyes,

Longing to find your soul,

Aching to search further and deeper to quell

The wonder of whether a kindred spirit in you exists

That compliments mine to last a lifetime

Through the closest bond of friendship.

Love flows powerfully through my heart,

And my soul when you are near,

As my often troubled spirit

Finds peace in your embrace,

And comfort in your smile,

As I want to share all that I am

And hopefully find Utopia

For even a small moment in time.

My love flows steady for you,

Leaving it’s mark forever more,

As you etch yourself further on my heart

And in my soul

With each passing moment

Of laughter, tears and dreams,

Whether shared close together,

Or miles apart.

I would like to be

A soft place you fall when life gets too rough,

A rock to lean on when you falter

Or just need a challenge,

A mountain of laughter to keep you young,

But most of all…

I would like to be someone

You want to have in your life forever

One way or another.

©Ami May 2011

Not What It Seems

August 29, 2011


Love and devotion
At times most inanimate
Cold silence filling the voids
Trembling with fear
Avoidance reigns on high
Reeking of desperation
If only to not make waves
Comfortable bliss in denial
Fantasies crumbling
Fairy tales disappear
Reality too painful
Accountability kept at bay
Losing it all slowly
Finding it inched away
Everyone else to blame
Nothing defined or set in stone
Lest a promise actually be broken
Belief in yourself non-existent
Yet praise is the goal most sought
Growing apart daily
Turning away outstretched hands
Sincere in hopes to travel the perilous road
While guiding and helping
Never seems to be good enough
Double standards as the set standard
Refusal to look in the mirror
Or refusal to move from the line
Control the ultimate high
Respecting fear
Instead of commanding respect
Close minded views
Never to contemplate the other
No need for discussion
“Right” the gold among the copper
Self-pity and martyrdom
The tables turn once again
Mountains from mole hills
Brushing dust into a corner
Until mountains are made
Thin ice to skate
Emotionless and logical is professed
But logic is instantly struck down by emotion instead
Afraid of being alone
Others in company swimming in loneliness
Oblivion taking shape
Daggers of buried pain
Rip apart the fabric
Disappointment falling to the Earth
Drama of extremes
Silent films
Yet screaming horrors
Filling most days
Peaceful melodies only in slumber
Deafening noise in wake
Believe what you may
Though tomorrow it may all go away

©Ami May 2011