Not What It Seems

August 29, 2011


Love and devotion
At times most inanimate
Cold silence filling the voids
Trembling with fear
Avoidance reigns on high
Reeking of desperation
If only to not make waves
Comfortable bliss in denial
Fantasies crumbling
Fairy tales disappear
Reality too painful
Accountability kept at bay
Losing it all slowly
Finding it inched away
Everyone else to blame
Nothing defined or set in stone
Lest a promise actually be broken
Belief in yourself non-existent
Yet praise is the goal most sought
Growing apart daily
Turning away outstretched hands
Sincere in hopes to travel the perilous road
While guiding and helping
Never seems to be good enough
Double standards as the set standard
Refusal to look in the mirror
Or refusal to move from the line
Control the ultimate high
Respecting fear
Instead of commanding respect
Close minded views
Never to contemplate the other
No need for discussion
“Right” the gold among the copper
Self-pity and martyrdom
The tables turn once again
Mountains from mole hills
Brushing dust into a corner
Until mountains are made
Thin ice to skate
Emotionless and logical is professed
But logic is instantly struck down by emotion instead
Afraid of being alone
Others in company swimming in loneliness
Oblivion taking shape
Daggers of buried pain
Rip apart the fabric
Disappointment falling to the Earth
Drama of extremes
Silent films
Yet screaming horrors
Filling most days
Peaceful melodies only in slumber
Deafening noise in wake
Believe what you may
Though tomorrow it may all go away

©Ami May 2011

Advertisements

More Emotional Waves

August 9, 2011


Finding something I wasn’t really even looking for still amazes me today.  While I connect with some people, I didn’t know or couldn’t even imagine just how well, and deeply, I would connect with others.  It is because of these connections that give me serenity during the tough times.  It is the deep feelings that overwhelm me with joy and love manifested through those that accept me and find joy in being around me.  Strangely enough, I still find myself unable to speak at times and guard what I say, choosing my words carefully, trying to bring sense to what seems like chaos falling from my lips.

Part of me is not sure whether what is happening is real or fantasy, and while  I don’t want to read too much into things that are quite simple, I cannot deny what it is I really long to be reality, not just the perception of a fantasy never to materialize.

Sometimes…okay, well, a lot of times…it is hard for me to hear the words from those in my past that are, after time apart, now a current part of my life, and whom I hope to always have in my life.  Why does their hindsight almost make me cringe?  Why did they guard themselves so much that it ended up pushing me away for so long?

Ironic, isn’t it, that here I guard my words at times, and I seem to be chastising those that have done the same thing as me.  I don’t always intentionally guard what it is I truly think and feel, and I know without a doubt that some of it is conditioning from the sickness I have called marriage for a while.  Then again, I feel I let my actions speak the words I have had a hard time saying out loud.  So many times my mind thinks faster than my mouth allows, so words jumble, and it has, finally, become something I am comfortable with.

Of course, maybe it’s because I’ve been told for so long that actions speak louder than words.

I do believe that actions speak louder than words to an extent, and while I try to outwardly express what I feel deep inside by my actions, I still feel the words in conjunction with actions are the most genuine and true.

Why tell me now, years later, that I “was the one that got away” and that nobody has compared to me; that everyone else comes in 2nd place to me, yet never really saying that, let alone actually acting on it before?  Why let something like that slip away if it is what you truly believe?  Why does it feel as if those statements are only lip service after the fact?

It leaves me dumbfounded as a few have sworn these statements to me, yet all of them (with one exception) discarded me so easily and seemingly used me when I invited them back into my life.  Granted, I feel that only 1 honestly, and with deliberation, used me in this fashion, though the feelings of being taken advantage of, or even feelings of being taken for granted, have peppered the renewed and changed relationships.

Yes, they all swore they wanted to marry me, and some still swear they do, but I do not see what it is they want from me, especially in regards to a marriage.  Why would I marry anyone without a clear understanding of what a marriage means to them?  I made the mistake of not insisting on clear definitions and expectations of marriage once…which was a very hard lesson learned, indeed.

I can’t even begin to fully describe my thoughts on marriage now, other than to say a few poignant notions, whether some view them as silly or not, they are for me to believe and compromise on as each situation dictates…and when true honest communication allows for my pragmatic nature to flow freely.

I feel that hand written vows or promises are more important and meaningful, to me at least, than the “traditional” ones I spoke almost 14 years ago.  Then again, maybe it’s a bit of bitterness shining through as I reflect upon how certain traditional vows are used as a dogmatic form of manipulation and stipulation in an effort to exact control.  This, of course is without even including the possibility of the definitions and expectations being absolutely and honestly unrealistic to one, or both partners, especially if no true definition or explanation of what those words truly meant to each other was spoken prior to uttering the words of the promises in front of witnesses on the wedding day.  I truly feel that I am not the only person who has come to realize that so very often, and normally only after a breaking point is reached, that clarification from the partners of the marriage contract regarding what those words will lead to as far as expectations, and what, if any, “deal-breakers” would be included with each of those vows, should have been thoroughly discussed before that fate-filled, and quite often fairy-tale, day.

Unfortunately, my eyes are drooping at this moment, even though I have so much more to write, and I must continue riding this emotional wave on another day.

Just Savor the Moment

August 1, 2011


It’s so hard to breath…and I gasp…breathless…ecstatic…yet nervous…and scared…becoming completely overwhelmed…by mutual feelings of trust…passion…and love…

I am simply amazed at how deeply some words could touch, penetrate and pierce me as they continue to envelope my soul.  I was confident in the knowledge that while I knew the similar statements had been true days, weeks and months before, the words that night had felt of something that burned deep within, and until that night had been so deeply guarded.  I knew without a doubt that, while the melting of the façade would only be for this night and a cool detachment was sure to follow, I would not fall prey to fairy tale stories.

I had been very guarded so many times, showing glimpses of my soul less times than he probably really would believe me admitting to.  I knew the rules of the game, some before spoken aloud, while others were only found by accidentally crossing the lines of comfort, though none worth leaving patience behind.  I’ve learned to read him, though at times, when he always seems to ask the deep questions I do not want to answer, I feel nervous and lose my words, or maybe even revel in the possibility that it is a way to dodge breaking down my walls and asking the same in return.

At times, I feel as though I specifically chose a way to answer those deep questions so as to lead credence to the possibility that I might just be a bit on the overtly over-analytical side and emotionally unstable.  I do not feel I do it purposely for that reason, though I can’t help but question whether it is in the realm of reality to see this as a subconscious defect, or even a type of defense mechanism.

He saw me open up that night in a way he has probably never seen before.  What started out as light conversation led to noticing him intently listening to something I was talking about.  For some reason, in that moment, I saw an excitement and sense of pride, as well as true joy, that I had not at least taken notice of before.  I had seen him opening himself to me and over the course of our time together, seeing that side of him allowed me to feel I could comfortably fall into abandon and break down some of my walls as well.

While it may not be something that can easily be understood completely and I feel it is hard to explain in words, I allowed myself to be vulnerable to him in a way that left me completely naked and anxious for the lashes of mockery to befall my soul.  I finally allowed myself to trust him completely and, as I teased him in a way I very seldom do, I felt myself fall further at ease and contentment and no longer was I twitching in nervous anticipation of ridicule.

I heard many things that night, which culminated in one statement now seared in my brain forever…both realistically and romantically…though more difficult than any other to not lean towards a romantic version of the meaning…

“This feels so right…it feels…like home…”

Please do not question me too much on this, for I just want to forever savor the moment…