He admitted feeling lonely, missing someone to hold, and confusion about a current situation with a friend he was dealing with.  A sadness filled his words and as much as I wanted to comfort him, I had to choose my words carefully, since I actually feel less lonely within the last month, than I have in the past 7 years or so, at a minimum, and the reason for the opposite feelings was one of the issues that had caused so much conflict between us for so long.

I do not think he is ready to hear how lonely I really was for so long, as words he spoke to me when I mentioned it over time come back to the forefront, reminding me I should have been thankful that he wasn’t just out drinking and cheating, sitting at home with me instead, and claiming I was too needy and clingy.  While I agree that I should have been, and was, thankful that he was in the same home as me, it was always a conflict within me as to why I felt so lonely, even while being grateful in many ways for his presence.  It took me a long time to get to the point of being able to put it to words, and when I tried to explain it a few years ago, continually trying to find other analogies to help him understand, though it was met with his defenses going up again.

After living with him so long, then spending time away from each other for business trips before, as well as after, our daughter’s hospital stay, I came to the unnerving realization that I felt lonely most often when I was in the same vicinity as him, though I had only barely looked at the full depth of that to figure out why exactly, about 7 years ago.  As I dug deeper into my heart and soul to find clarity, what I came to know, without any shred of doubt, that, for me, the often shared quote regarding being alone was the point blank truth of what it really means to be lonely.

“I used to think that the worst thing in life was to end up alone.  It’s not.  The worst thing in life is to end up with people who make you feel all alone.” (attributed to Robin Williams most often)

We had painstakingly ceased to stop truly interacting, other than the dance of conflict and then shutting down and coming together again for a short time, to then repeat the process, and I began to feel as if I was simply a piece of comfortable furniture that brought him peace and contentment.  I felt taken for granted.  I felt that I was in a home with a visible ghost that could not, or would not, communicate with me, and I could not touch the soul that I could see.  I felt as if I was bound by obligation to deny my needs and desires, especially when I asked directly, and was shunned in many ways, of which, the worst seemed to be just the silent rejection of ignoring.

So many things that left me to come to those dramatic conclusions of how to explain the dire loneliness I felt, and regardless of what examples I could use to express how often he shunned me and left me alone without even leaving my presence, I felt guilt for needing something he seemed not to need, and that which seemed to be too difficult for him to put forth effort for very long until we slipped back into what he felt was a comfortable routine.

I felt my self-confidence take on a two steps forward and one step back routine and I truly questioned how awful I must have been to have my own husband ignore actually interacting with me in favor of fantasies within television and solitary video games, going so far as to not even notice on many occasions standing in front of him naked, trying to gain his attention.  It eroded my self-worth, feeling as if I was not worth breaking away from anything, even for a few moments, for physical, let alone emotional, connection from someone I thought was a soul mate and professed the same in return.

I knew he struggled with depression and low feelings of self-worth, though it truly seemed as if no matter how many compliments I gave or how often I told him I wanted him, physically or emotionally, he was a hole that kept getting deeper and sucking more of me down with him.  He showed all the signs of depression, including a more withdrawn demeanor, so I tried to be as compassionate as I could, though to hear the venom from him when I would ask for some small form of letting me into his life and soul telling me that I was being too nosy and that men don’t discuss their feelings, among other shunning remarks, I got wore out and began to move to feeling angry and indignation at him pushing away the one person who swore to be his best friend forever.

It was so lonely to be in the same house together, yet he was in another room spending hours relaxing with some form of electronics, and would get upset with me for interrupting his time of relaxing.  I was shunned from having general conversations, especially if during a television show or while he was playing a game, then when a compromise was made that I could speak with him during those times, he wouldn’t actually break away from what he was doing to concentrate on what I was saying.  I felt like I was just background white noise to him, and when I would ask, especially when discussing something I felt was important, for him to acknowledge me and look at me from time to time instead of reading or typing at the same time I was speaking, I was accused of even more neediness and unrealistic expectations.

It broke my heart, and my soul, so I began to learn how to comfort myself for a time.  I would go to bed alone, more often than not actually, longing for him to be with me, and I would cry myself to sleep, then feel shame when I was told the next day or later that he came to bed after I was asleep but couldn’t wake me up to cuddle, let alone anything further.

I admit that I did every single thing I could think of to get the intimacy my soul was aching for, not simply physically, but, again, emotionally and in a way, spiritually.  The more I tried to be intimate, the more he pushed away, for reasons I still am not aware of, and honestly, the reasons are not as important now as they once were, for if they are comfortable to him and something he does not want to change about himself, then there is no reason for me to continue to wish I knew and let it be.  With that being said, though, I know without a doubt what it is I need, and a very strong bond of intimacy is what I need.  If he could not, or would not, let go of whatever it was that was holding him back from connecting with me like I needed, then I had to let go of him instead of trying to chase him and entice him to move towards me.

It is still painful to keep him at an arm’s length, because I always wanted to be close to him, yet he was a ghost of something undead always within my presence, ready to lash out when I began my travels of being comfortable enough with myself to enjoy being alone without feeling lonely more often than not.  Jealousies became even more frequent as I began moving towards something healthier and I shared my time with others instead of being a comfortable chair he would notice was gone, though never sat in it, if it was more animate.  I still try to put forth effort, though through as long as this has been an issue between us, I became more detached, though not any less full of love and support.  These concepts and discussions have created more conflict than I ever intended, especially when I wanted to know what I could do to better the situation so he didn’t feel jealous and speak our needs and wants instead of the unspoken expectations we kept failing to meet.

I am unsure how to be supportive as he travels a new path and see how, so far, it leaves him feeling lonely, unloved, unwanted, and confused.  I hold back a lot from him in the short times we speak, for while I want to be supportive, there is a part of me wanting to remind him that i had felt the same way for an even longer period of time than he has, though I felt that way while I had someone as my husband living with me every day.  The pain of his jealousy, while at times it was possibly valid, more often than not, he failed to see how often he was the one that shunned me and took me for granted which paved the way to be comfortable doing things on my own, enjoying more solitary time away from him, then moving towards realizing that others actually wanted to interact with me and be intimate when he didn’t want to (or maybe couldn’t because of his own inner conflicts), so his jealousy should have been a red flag to look towards himself and find a solution to change things from both sides of the coin, not simply my own.

Give me true solitude, and I enjoy it very much, with only a few twinges of loneliness when I realize I want to share some moment with someone that isn’t there, rather than being in the same house day after day with someone that doesn’t want to share many moments with me and shuns my wanting to share with them as well.  At least when I am alone, I have only myself to rely on to gain comfort from loneliness, sometimes by putting forth extra effort to reach out to someone that may not be very easy to connect with.  However, it seems more preferable than when I was with him like I was before; if I needed or wanted some comfort, he turned me away, so I had to comfort myself while explicitly being told I could not reach out to the one right within my reach without much effort.

 


“It’s too bad that’s the way you see me sometimes…” in addition to a few other statements I noticed, were a way of reaching out to feel better about himself, as in he was reaching for compliments and to feel wanted.  I believe we all tend to do this passive-aggressive move from time to time, though it felt over the years that, as time went on, my attempts at complimenting him and showing him that he was wanted, felt like they became wasted efforts, as his self-confidence dwindled, while insecurities and pain turned into resentments and grew more frequent.  It was a frustrating thing for me, because even I knew deep down, now that I can reflect, I had my own insecurities that swelled to the surface and took on a form that I didn’t acknowledge or handle in a way that was healthy either, and included manipulation of some severe degrees.  I even manipulated his family in attempts to avoid certain conflicts and feelings of failure in regards to being able to have what I wanted in life.

At some point I became someone I didn’t want to be, and I felt like I was a caged animal, so I intentionally set about the wheels of motion that has led me to be where I am now.  I became selfish in many ways, yet in others, I actually was still loyal, and that is where so much of my pain resides, even now, when something triggers the memory or brings the anger I had been trying to release up to the surface again.  The few honest confessions from him the last few weeks, especially, has left me going from controlled rage of indignation, to holding onto a thread of hope that the man I thought was hidden deep within him would finally be able to shine on the world.

The first one that comes to mind is how he described one of his female friend’s ex, which in summary came down to this, “He was kind of a douche.  He couldn’t hold down a job and she was working to support him by working 2 jobs and finally she just couldn’t take it.”

He did notice my facial expression change a bit after I initially heard him say that someone was kind of a douche, since I am not used to hearing that phrase come from him, and then I heard the “why” the guy was a douche, which was the bit of the woman working 2 jobs, and she kept it up for 2 years, but she just couldn’t take it anymore.  I kept my composure and didn’t really say anything, which was a good thing, because I think things would have taken a turn for the worse if I said what was frantically running through my head upon soaking in what he was telling me.

“If you think he is a douche for that, then what do you think you are?  Do you realize I never once called you anything like that and yet you feel it’s something I need to get over and you avoid the reasons I have now been working 5 years holding down 2 jobs?  Oh, you think you get to give her a ‘you should never have to do that’ and emotionally, let alone physically, comfort her about her situation but continually refuse to truly apologize to me for doing the same thing?”

Bitter?  You bet your ass!  However, I chose to not be passive-aggressive or spiteful even though I wanted to very badly lash out at that moment and pass along the pain he just dealt to me back at him.  It was tough, but I did it, and I even confronted the pain a little bit later, trying to communicate that the statement stung, and tried to simply say that her situation, for that specific scenario, is eerily similar to what I went through and stuck through for 4 years before really standing my ground and becoming what was, and may still be, seen as even more reason to claim I was giving up and not trying.

I am not sure if he really understood that even though I feel pain about our situation and hearing about something similar to someone else, I wasn’t trying to bring up or hold onto the past, per se, but looking there to find the underlying reason of why hearing or discussing the facts brings about so much venom between us.  Looking at my initial reactions and how I tried to calmly discuss it a few minutes later, I was able to see that the reason I was hurt so much was the denial of individual and mutual realities, which has brought about resentments between the both of us.

For me, it was a door that was never closed because the core reason(s) we got into so much financial problems were never addressed so we could try to find a solution to the problem, not just cover it up.  I don’t like confrontation, though I knew even years before, that confronting things did not need to be an all out war, and if the perceptions were open enough, it could be seen as an understanding and finding a solution that was more of peace, than victor or loser.

I tried, I really did, though at a certain point, I stopped trying because I was trying to carry him along on moving forward and he was slowly losing the momentum to move forward, and he drug me back.

Ironically, he did that literally, as well as figuratively, when it came to me trying to help him sleep in bed as his sleep apnea was worsening as he continued to gain weight.  He would get upset with me for tying to wake him from sleeping in the living room on a chair, and it would sometimes take me an hour or more to roust him so he could lay down in bed instead of rocking forward and backward and his head fall back and forth almost in a whiplash like fashion.  I worried so much about his health, that his apnea would wake me up in the middle of the night, which became so frequent that I had to face reality for what it was, and we had no life insurance, one thing we cut back on prior to me getting a 2nd job and, the fact of the matter is, we kept the full load of cable and spent in a way we never should have.

I felt guilty for allowing the life insurance to be dropped, because his health was spiraling out of control, and it was a subject that he didn’t like about himself, which therefore was a land mine field if you dared to even tiptoe near it.  Talk of his weight, not even to ridicule, but to genuinely express concern, was met with disdain and anger.  Talk of his sleep and my manipulative tactics as well as directly confronting it was met with resentment for trying to control him.

I admit, I was trying to control him, though I thought it was what was best at the time, because I was concerned and didn’t want to see him suffer as it seemed like he was.  I manipulated him in many ways, tying every known method I could find, to try to take care of him and keep him from a fate I feared he was nearing every day.  It does not matter what my intentions were, because no matter the intention, it was not right of me to try to control him like that.

Even though I can look at it like that, it still brings me pain to know that he views me so negatively and feels I gave up or did not try hard enough, especially within the time frame he gave me, of at least the last 4 years.  I saw the last 6 years, especially, as trying harder than I ever did before, even though I did have my times of yes, giving up because I needed the break from sheer mental, physical and emotional exhaustion from trying to hold it all together and control things I couldn’t and shouldn’t have controlled.

At some point, yes, I said that if he was not willing to do the one thing I asked him to do to help us find solutions to problems that had been and continue to be the exact same problems wrapped up in different topics at times, but always the same core issues at the heart of it, by going to marriage/couple’s counseling with me to have someone unbiased helping us mediate and learn to communicate the difficult things instead of being so abusive to each other, then there really was no marriage and I wanted a divorce.

My asking and stating what my deal breaker was has never been done by manipulation and stated multiple times before I filed for divorce, even documented and saved electronically.  I tried…yet the fear and guilt of losing the one true thing I always wanted, a real family that stuck together, is what kept me in the habit for so long.  No matter how bad it got and how I didn’t want to be married to my husband any longer, I wanted the family unit together as much as I wanted to breathe, though as I let certain distractions in life to over take me, I began to realize that, in the silence, the reality was that I focused so much on saving my marriage and trying to cling to a family, that I didn’t pay attention to the fact that I was on a path of destroying it in some very unseen ways.

It was then that I knew I needed to change directions and focus on what the reality was, which all seemed to have really come to a head when our daughter was in the hospital for 5 days being evaluated for failure to thrive.  Those 5 days put my whole world on it’s side, and I knew, without any shred of doubt, that it was time for me to do some serious soul searching if I was going to give our children a healthier life than what I had.  I began my journey there, and it is hardly over yet, with even more to be learned as I continue to move forward from the past I let get out of control by trying to avoid it instead of dealing with it in a healthy way.

 

This Journey

January 23, 2012


I look at you now

You’ve traveled so far

No hiding in fear

Come closer to me

Take my hand firmly

And gaze in my eyes

To see my bare soul

No fighting the truth

I come to you now

Follow this dream-scape

Forever to find

I am here for you

I’d give you my heart

I’d give you my soul

You are here for me

You give me your heart

You give me your soul

With you I find peace

Lovingly embraced

No longer fighting

The flow of what is

Finally letting go

Able to accept

All that we do have

And all that we want

Say you hear me

Say what you’ve hidden

In deep far too long

Take the next leap and

We’ll take this journey

And never hold back

The tidal waves of

Love, true and profound

I’m here for you now

I give you my heart

I give you my soul

I love you my dear.

©Ami May 2012

Not What It Seems

August 29, 2011


Love and devotion
At times most inanimate
Cold silence filling the voids
Trembling with fear
Avoidance reigns on high
Reeking of desperation
If only to not make waves
Comfortable bliss in denial
Fantasies crumbling
Fairy tales disappear
Reality too painful
Accountability kept at bay
Losing it all slowly
Finding it inched away
Everyone else to blame
Nothing defined or set in stone
Lest a promise actually be broken
Belief in yourself non-existent
Yet praise is the goal most sought
Growing apart daily
Turning away outstretched hands
Sincere in hopes to travel the perilous road
While guiding and helping
Never seems to be good enough
Double standards as the set standard
Refusal to look in the mirror
Or refusal to move from the line
Control the ultimate high
Respecting fear
Instead of commanding respect
Close minded views
Never to contemplate the other
No need for discussion
“Right” the gold among the copper
Self-pity and martyrdom
The tables turn once again
Mountains from mole hills
Brushing dust into a corner
Until mountains are made
Thin ice to skate
Emotionless and logical is professed
But logic is instantly struck down by emotion instead
Afraid of being alone
Others in company swimming in loneliness
Oblivion taking shape
Daggers of buried pain
Rip apart the fabric
Disappointment falling to the Earth
Drama of extremes
Silent films
Yet screaming horrors
Filling most days
Peaceful melodies only in slumber
Deafening noise in wake
Believe what you may
Though tomorrow it may all go away

©Ami May 2011

More Emotional Waves

August 9, 2011


Finding something I wasn’t really even looking for still amazes me today.  While I connect with some people, I didn’t know or couldn’t even imagine just how well, and deeply, I would connect with others.  It is because of these connections that give me serenity during the tough times.  It is the deep feelings that overwhelm me with joy and love manifested through those that accept me and find joy in being around me.  Strangely enough, I still find myself unable to speak at times and guard what I say, choosing my words carefully, trying to bring sense to what seems like chaos falling from my lips.

Part of me is not sure whether what is happening is real or fantasy, and while  I don’t want to read too much into things that are quite simple, I cannot deny what it is I really long to be reality, not just the perception of a fantasy never to materialize.

Sometimes…okay, well, a lot of times…it is hard for me to hear the words from those in my past that are, after time apart, now a current part of my life, and whom I hope to always have in my life.  Why does their hindsight almost make me cringe?  Why did they guard themselves so much that it ended up pushing me away for so long?

Ironic, isn’t it, that here I guard my words at times, and I seem to be chastising those that have done the same thing as me.  I don’t always intentionally guard what it is I truly think and feel, and I know without a doubt that some of it is conditioning from the sickness I have called marriage for a while.  Then again, I feel I let my actions speak the words I have had a hard time saying out loud.  So many times my mind thinks faster than my mouth allows, so words jumble, and it has, finally, become something I am comfortable with.

Of course, maybe it’s because I’ve been told for so long that actions speak louder than words.

I do believe that actions speak louder than words to an extent, and while I try to outwardly express what I feel deep inside by my actions, I still feel the words in conjunction with actions are the most genuine and true.

Why tell me now, years later, that I “was the one that got away” and that nobody has compared to me; that everyone else comes in 2nd place to me, yet never really saying that, let alone actually acting on it before?  Why let something like that slip away if it is what you truly believe?  Why does it feel as if those statements are only lip service after the fact?

It leaves me dumbfounded as a few have sworn these statements to me, yet all of them (with one exception) discarded me so easily and seemingly used me when I invited them back into my life.  Granted, I feel that only 1 honestly, and with deliberation, used me in this fashion, though the feelings of being taken advantage of, or even feelings of being taken for granted, have peppered the renewed and changed relationships.

Yes, they all swore they wanted to marry me, and some still swear they do, but I do not see what it is they want from me, especially in regards to a marriage.  Why would I marry anyone without a clear understanding of what a marriage means to them?  I made the mistake of not insisting on clear definitions and expectations of marriage once…which was a very hard lesson learned, indeed.

I can’t even begin to fully describe my thoughts on marriage now, other than to say a few poignant notions, whether some view them as silly or not, they are for me to believe and compromise on as each situation dictates…and when true honest communication allows for my pragmatic nature to flow freely.

I feel that hand written vows or promises are more important and meaningful, to me at least, than the “traditional” ones I spoke almost 14 years ago.  Then again, maybe it’s a bit of bitterness shining through as I reflect upon how certain traditional vows are used as a dogmatic form of manipulation and stipulation in an effort to exact control.  This, of course is without even including the possibility of the definitions and expectations being absolutely and honestly unrealistic to one, or both partners, especially if no true definition or explanation of what those words truly meant to each other was spoken prior to uttering the words of the promises in front of witnesses on the wedding day.  I truly feel that I am not the only person who has come to realize that so very often, and normally only after a breaking point is reached, that clarification from the partners of the marriage contract regarding what those words will lead to as far as expectations, and what, if any, “deal-breakers” would be included with each of those vows, should have been thoroughly discussed before that fate-filled, and quite often fairy-tale, day.

Unfortunately, my eyes are drooping at this moment, even though I have so much more to write, and I must continue riding this emotional wave on another day.


No, I’m not doing this the way most “normal” people think it should be done…so to Hell with what they feel is the “proper” way of handling a divorce…this is my life, and my soon to be ex-husband’s life, as well as our children’s lives, not theirs.

Since when did it become acceptable to tell others what “should be” done simply because that is what has been considered “the normal way”?  Why do some constantly ask specific dates of when things will be moving forward, as well as continually question what the next step will be when we haven’t even been able to communicate for years (hence the biggest reason for this dissolution of marriage), let alone discuss and come to compromises on one of  the greatest heartaches and senses of failure someone can deal with?

Since when did I ever truly follow what is seen as “normal”, anyway, and why would I chose to follow that path now all of a sudden?

When psychologists, psychiatrists, counselors, and self-help gurus cannot even seem to decide what is “normal” or “healthy”, why should I believe that what I have chosen to attempt would not work and be healthy?  I know what things I believe as harmful to my health and well-being, and even more-so for my children, so why not let me at least try what is a unique way of handling things and change directions when, and if, I see it going down the road of depravity and self-destruction?

Some of my motivation could be considered selfish or even simply stated as self-preservation.  While it can be construed that way, and there is some truth to it, there are many true altruistic reasons for the madness of this chaotic and self-reflective journey.

I am going through this blind, yet with eyes wide open and willing to change with the flowing tide in many ways…however, I know without a doubt that I cannot and will not back down from this exceptionally terrifying and exhilarating adventure that is probably long overdue…for both of us.