I am at the beginning stages of trying to refinance my house, as part of my divorce settlement that was awarded in November of 2013, and I am finding it very hard not to be both positive about the experience as well as nervous and doubtful that this huge personal achievement will come to pass within the next month as I had hoped.  Anxiety about the possibility of my home not being assessed at a high enough value to be able to refinance yet has definitely been creeping in as I reflect on the time I tried to refinance as soon as my divorce was awarded, though I am trying to rationalize the thoughts as trying to keep myself grounded in reality, in case things happened as they did before, and hope that my anxiety is not a form of self-sabotage or the negative version of the Law of Attraction that will garner me the results that I truly hope do not repeat from my last experience.

I have sacrificed a lot to get where I am at and feel proud of my accomplishments, yet there is a part of me that seems to be feeling quite a bit of shame in feeling proud, as if I need to ensure I’m not so confident that I end being arrogant and feel completely defeated if I need more time to unlock the life achievement that I’ve taken great care to try to unlock.  I know failing at this goal, at this time, will not break me completely, though the reality of pushing the goal off to a different time frame, again, will have some ramifications that I’d rather avoid, including pushing off the extra things that I would like to give to my children.

My children have everything they need; a roof over their head, utilities, food, and even clothing, though there is so much more I would like to be able to give them.  I would love to be able to take them traveling and experience places that I was blessed to be able to experience, just for starters, though the luxuries I seem to be denying them that their peers have been afforded are lower on my priority list until I can get past this hurdle of refinancing my house.  That is a concept I have tried to explain to my children after every “…but everyone else…” and “We don’t get anything…” comment is made; we have to sacrifice now so I can get to a point of budgeting in those luxuries and maintain the home we have as well, and it is a promise I made in the dissolution of my marriage to their father.  I have to legally keep this promise before I can focus on giving them any of the things they want that are over and above what they need to survive, which can be a difficult concept to explain without sounding as if I am being selfish, especially when I am at a point in life that I refuse to go into debt to put my children first outside of their immediate needs.

I was heartbroken when, after my 4th attempt at filing for divorce and it finally being granted (doing things pro se 3 times previously just didn’t work out; the judges would not grant our mutually agreed upon settlement – a point I can see both sides of, begrudgingly), I immediately sought to refinance the house as my ex-husband and I agreed upon and was told I needed to pay off about another $10,000 in debt before I could refinance. The mortgage and equity loan were the last items that I needed to remove his name from as far as jointly owned/responsible accounts, and the sooner I could get that accomplished, the better, as there was always tension when it came to finances between us that would lead to closure and less to argue about if it could be done as soon as possible.  It was frustrating to tell the mortgage banker that I already had a loan against my 401K account (which was used to help pay off the extra $6,500 in credit card debt I had agreed to take on), and had no family to lean on for such a loan, and realizing that any personal loan would not get me any closer if I used money from such a loan to pay down the outstanding equity loan balance.

I felt completely devastated at the news, since I could afford the house payments on my own, which unfortunately was part of the problem in our marriage that, I believe, made him feel so emasculated (in addition to the resulting affair I ended up having), and with the way I had evolved my finances over the years and my length of employment with the same company, I had agreed to take on the house mortgage on my own, as well as the home equity loan we had against that, and even his half of some credit card debt that we had obtained over the years, in lieu of him receiving half of my 401K retirement balance.  Needless to say, my ex-husband actually got a pretty good deal, even though I was not giving him half of the equity in the house, or “buying him out”, since our house had fallen into disarray and with the amount of the equity loan, there was no true equity that I could give.

The devastation of hearing that reality, however, pushed me even harder to reach the goal of being able to refinance our house and be able to truly own the house on my own.  I had a goal, which I told my ex-husband about before we even got married, that I wanted to own a house by the time I was 30.  Due to the fact that he wanted to own a home before we had children, which he knew from the start that I wanted early for medical and selfish reasons of the ability to enjoy and be actively involved in being a mother, I was able to sign the mortgage to the house with him just before I turned 20 (in large part because of his VA status which equated to no money down and no private mortgage insurance required on the original loan), and also stepped across the stage to receive my GED in the same month.

December of 1999…talk about a time in my life that I will never forget.  It’s a time in my life I never want to forget in many ways, though in so many I wish I could forget, as I had crawled back from a dark hole that started roughly in May of 1996 (when I should have graduated high school instead of dropping out in January to move from Texas to Nebraska) when I was completely and utterly alone in a state where I had no family and friends and was taken advantage of in so man ways, and hit basically rock bottom at the end of January in 1997, emotionally and financially.  I am sure I could, and most likely will, write more about that time in my life in other posts, though right now, it reminds me that while I had some help emotionally and even a little help financially, I really am the one that got myself out of the pit of despair I was in; I knew what I needed to do and was blessed to receive some  motivation in ways, though what I did was more my determination than anyone seemed to give me credit for (or demanded that I acknowledge that if it weren’t for some help I would never be where I am now; a faulty logic that history can prove the fallacy of).

Since November 2013, I have successfully paid off my attorney’s fees (roughly $2,000) and paid off $3,000 of my mortgage principal, as well as just under $9,000 of my equity loan principal.  All I can do at this point is hope that when my house is appraised soon, that the value has not gone down enough to not be able to complete the refinance process this time, especially when I’ve succeeded in doing what I’ve done so far, with very little to almost no help from anyone else in my life.

I am looking forward to, yet very nervous about, finally unlocking the achievements I have, and this one is the 2nd one of the most daunting I have taken on in my life so far…the first was getting through my divorce, which I had never thought I would do, nor had even a thought of it being an achievement…initially.

Advertisements

People I work with, along with close friends, are now commenting daily on my weight loss and are actually getting concerned, though all I can reply back with is that it’s just from stress, though I leave out the “from the abusive life I’ve lived in for so long and am breaking free from each day”.  I just want this torturous part of my life to end.  I mean, I think 30+ years of physical, mental, and emotional abuse, mainly as me on the receiving end, though also being the one to dole it out from time to time, is really taking its toll on me.

This has affected me physically, as I go into an almost anorexic state of eating when I feel the pressures of my emotions encroaching on my brain, and I lose my appetite when I am anxious more so than eat when I should or even when I try.  When there is severe anger that results in bitter and dramatic lashing out and doling out pain purposely, I lose any appetite for, sometimes, days on end.  In the last year I have lost nearly 30 pounds, and I don’t want to lose anymore, though what can I do when I’m finally trying, and succeeding, in shedding of the mountains of effects of abuse that went on for so long, and he finds some way to get into my brain, fucking my head so hard that I almost feel physically disoriented.

Why?  Why does the timing always come on the heels of my happiness?  Does he do it purposely or is it just a very stunted defense mechanism that he finds is most effective?

I had, probably, the absolutely best week and weekend of my life, other than the standard “best” times of my wedding and 2 of the most wonderful children I could have asked for in so many ways, and he just had to try to bring me down to his level with judgements that cut me down so much that, yet again, I was nothing but a worthless slut that simply slept with any man she could and was a spoiled brat that wouldn’t accept what he wanted to give…his love and affection.  I was a quitter and continually just lead him on.

But wait!  He doesn’t want to get a divorce and even before he asked for an outright answer prior to actually accusing me of sleeping with someone recently, he was the one that “made out” with another woman from his own past, which turned into, when speaking about the make out session a 2nd time, getting oral sex from this woman, which then turned into, when speaking about the make out session from a strange first topic that was tied to it, he “made it to 3rd base” with her when I finally asked crudely and bluntly “So, what, you finger fucked her?”.

So, he did all but actually penetrate her, which he said he just couldn’t do because of his feelings to me (being his legal wife), which all happened within a week and a half of finally meeting each other for the first time in so many years, and he has the audacity to make accusations that I had slept with someone else and tell me that I am still continuing to be a cheater?

I fucking hate him some days.  It’s mind fucks like that which drives people to insanity and if they don’t know how to deal with it, end up believing some of the awful insinuations that are thrown out there but never directly confronted.  Then the “perfectionism” comes into play during conversations, making sure to deflect more and your attention is diverted to repeating what you said in some specific way that is more correct than originally stated.

He is a master at this, and after I finally was able to physically put distance between us when I was living with a friend in another city for a few days a week a couple of years ago, I became determined to get myself and our children into a safer and healthier situation, otherwise I feared that they would end up repeating the same cycles for possibly the same amount of time as me, if not more.  My job as a parent is to teach them how to make it in life and survive so they can hopefully thrive.

I didn’t realize that the 12-step support group I began to attend 18 months ago for one reason, would open my life up in ways to see the entire situation of my life with more clarity and a determination from the absolute depths of my soul.  I felt, day by day, that I was more of a warrior in a way, planning on attacking the toxicity that was slowly killing not only her, but the family she created and had always wanted.  I knew it would take time, patience, planning, and trying to grow stronger each day to make it to the end, where her new life would begin, though I had not even come close to thinking it would end up like it has so far.  The most surprising things have been both emotionally and physically draining, as well as emotionally and physically energetic.

I realize that I’m still allowing him to control me in some ways, but I will not let him, as I am not as weak as I once was, and I will continue to get stronger as I can see reality for what it is and I refuse to focus on things that distracted me from the realities before me.  The cliché of how the best revenge is to be happy is definitely one I seem to come back to, as this is how my life seems to have always been – every time I have something good happen, either my mom or my husband was there to pull me down in some way.

One of the most recent moments of just how insidious those soul torturing belittling and condescending words can infuse your entire being happened when I went out with friends to sing karaoke.  Why I didn’t realize it then, but realized it after he verbally beat me down the next day calling something I did inappropriate and attacked the character of someone I care about, who happens to be male and likes me, and all I could see was rage building within me, and the clarity of why I did, or better didn’t do, in trying to sing came to the forefront during my insomnia afterwards.

I get up on stage every so often within the last 4 years and read my poetry, which is a way I show the absolute pain I’ve been through, as well as the hopes and joys that really only occurred within the last 6 or 7 years, and is my soul written out in an artistic form that is open for interpretation, as a way to still keep my soul hidden as only I know what memories those poems invoke for me and I don’t have to speak about them as my poem will speak for me once to cover so much.

If I can open my soul up that way, then why the Hell can’t I get up and sing a song in front of, most likely drunk, people instead of simply belting songs out in my car or in the comfort of my home?

Oh, that’s right.  It’s probably because I’ve been told since I was a child that I was not good at singing whatsoever, even when I was in choirs within our church and during middle school.  I think my husband’s criticism of my singing hurt the worst because he would make sure I knew that, since he sang in an A Capella/barbershop chorus and was in choirs for a longer time than I had, that he knew more than me to be judgmental and critical of my pitch or tone, under the pretense of trying to make sure I didn’t make a fool out of myself and to get better at singing.  I have been told, while trying to lightly sing in the vehicle with him over the years, to just stop singing, as it was too hard to listen to. Oh, there are so many times and ways he told me how horrible I was at singing, and how he didn’t like me trying to sing at all, that I get embarrassed if I sing around anyone other than a few trusted people.

When I would go with him to his practices, I would sit there in awe of him, and I would praise him often outside of the practices as well.  I know my one downfall in this scenario is that I was a 19/20 year old girl on the heels of past family and relationship trauma, and I was a bit too clingy to him being of drinking age and wanting to go out with the group after practices to a bar to socialize a bit.  I tried to make up for it by praising him and requesting that he sing around me more often, though I wasn’t wise enough to know that some ways of requesting are more harmful than helpful, and I think my requests of singing something other than his chorus songs, to sing me something more contemporary, as it would show off his talents in a way I rarely had gotten to see, though I think he felt that I was attacking him, and it may be that I wasn’t as clear in communicating then compared to now (though I am sure I can still learn more ways to communicate clearly and concisely), even though I never meant it other than encouragement.

So, I was at the bar with some friends recently, and I had 2 people who care about me a lot try to get me to pick a song to sing.  Granted, that night, in and of itself, was quite emotional and probably for another entry, which left me feeling just a bit more introverted than extroverted as I was earlier, and I just had this nagging thought that I didn’t want to embarrass the ones I cared about so much, so I just didn’t want to take that risk or put myself out there like that.  I couldn’t let myself give that part of me to be possibly attacked and used against me like it had been for so long before.

I broke down in tears when I came to that conclusion in the shadows of the night that I stared at for so long alone the night after the bar and shortly after my husband’s latest confrontation with me.  It is a hard habit to break those, almost automatic responses and defense mechanisms, to let yourself live authentically to the world, and while I’ve made some strides, I have at least one more first step to make now…

I won’t let him do that to me anymore, because even though we are legally married, I keep being reminded of why I knew, but tried to deny it and work against it for years, that I did not want to be married to HIM and began my journey that has come to where I’m at now.  The journey has a lot of bumps to go over, but I know now that they are not mountains, as I thought they were at one time, and for that, I am grateful and I am looking forward to finally getting up on stage soon and actually sing a song around a crowd, and be glad I finally found the courage to do it and not worry if someone wanted to criticize me or say that I do not sing well at all and should not try again.  I have been around enough nights of karaoke over the years to know how people react to other people singing, and I know I’d rather get some drunk laughs or praise, or sober helpful hints or small signs of support, regardless of how well I did in their opinion.  I know that, in all reality, most people do not treat others they way I allowed the most important people in my life to treat me, and I am finally ready to just do it.

Ironically, what he does not realize is that for all the character attacks he threw at the man who has spent time with me most often lately, it is that man who has touched me quite deeply by treating me with more respect and courtesy than I have received in years.  He, probably unknowingly, is the inspiring me to let myself stop living and looking in the past in more areas in my life than I had already consciously chosen to move forward in prior to actually spending any time with each other past occasional messages within the last few months or the one or two yearly social functions we had attended together years ago.

My friend asked me to pick one of two songs, and while he sang the song I chose, I was delighted to receive an impromptu serenade for part of the song, along with him coaxing me into joining him for a few measures and a kiss before he went on to end the song and left me blushing, to be totally honest.  My great friend that was with us leaned over to me after the exchange and said, “I’ll be the first one to say it, ‘Aww…’ and I mean it in a very good way.”  In those short moments, a memory of that time in history, along with how I physically and emotionally felt then, will forever be seared in my soul.  It is a moment I can hardly describe, let alone the rest of that night, but I know it was such a positive impact that no matter what is said to discredit him, this man has proven that, as an imperfect human, he has more class and puts in more genuine effort than the man that was attacking him, and that’s all that matters to me.  I learned a lot from the mistakes I have made and the struggles of my marriage, let alone struggles of growing up, and the one I think is most important now is to listen to those around me and take heed to what they say…

They remind me of where my passions are and when I am truly happy.  They remind me that they are looking out for me, and if they believe that someone or something may be unhealthy, they will tell me, so I should take their support as genuine and notice the reality of what they say, or even don’t say.

Yeah, I think that karaoke will have to be a “to do” one evening fairly soon…all thanks to you.


I cannot seem to get his words out of my head for very long, before some new circumstance or discussion drags the bones from the grave and I repeat the process all over again; optimism, criticism, avoidance, pain, anger, sorrow, apologetic, guilt, and forgiveness, as well as denial thrown in to cause more confusion.

The first thing that hit me very hard was an emotional night around each other, discussing things that were painful, and I asked about his potential new love interest that had been a topic of discussion off and on for the previous year or so.  I thought his facial expression belied a profession of nothing had gone on other than “hanging out”, though the possibility of an intimate encounter had been offered, yet I let it pass without pressing further.  I just had a feeling that he wasn’t being totally honest with me, which is something I have emphatically stated as something I needed in my life multiple times over the years, but especially within the last 2 or 3, certainly.

Then there wasn’t much said until I sent a joke to lighten the mood that had been brewing horribly for a while, and it ended up actually being a reality, when it wasn’t intended to be. That might have been my manipulative tactic back due to some statements I had felt were guilt inducing and manipulative he stated previously within the previous weeks that I did not deal with at the time, including asking about me taking our children on his custody time in a way that, if I said no, would possibly come across or used in a way to state that I was saying no because I didn’t care about our children or some other form of twisting reality, and I wasn’t going to continue that game. I’m not sure if that was really the reason, though due to the emotions I had openly shared to him in one way or another, I can see how it was, even though it was not meant to be anything other than sharing my honest thoughts about the current situation.

Then there was the next day where my brain had seemed to soften it’s bitterly cold grip of my heart, feeling that maybe some of his resentment towards me had begun to melt just a little bit and just a bit safer to be who I really am as a person towards him.  Another joke to lighten an emotional statement of appreciation for something other than his icy demeanor, as of late, and the door seemed to open just a little bit more, even if only a centimeter or two.  I made the mistake of grabbing onto that just enough to let other things affect me just a bit too much.

I then received an unexpected message when he knew I was finally out socializing for the first time in weeks, taking a break from working non-stop on things around me that seemed to be reminders of the ghost I seemed to be surrounded by, even though the presence wasn’t of someone dead.  I did not do it to hurt him, as far as changing things and cleaning things that had been neglected for many years, though it was for other reasons, one of which included purging some resentment I had that was originally brought about by the guilt he laid on me for so long.  His message was one that seemed sincere and he genuinely was reaching out to me.  Then his jealousy came through, yet again, and I received another manipulative message that he wished he had such a large social circle to engage with and flirted suggestively that I could return home to get attention from him.  I should have ignored it, though I didn’t, and commented that having a large social circle really wasn’t what it seemed like it would be cracked up to be.  I used an analogy that I’d rather run around with 4 quarters in my pocket, rather than 100 pennies, as if these represented the number of friends that give me, metaphorically speaking, the same amount of attention in the end.

The next day he contacted me again, asking a question that baited me into answering whether or not I made it home at all the night before, or whether I had stayed somewhere else and couldn’t answer his question honestly.  I admitted that I had not gotten home yet when I answered him, and he sounded dejected and said he didn’t figure on the fact that I might not be back home the previous night. I know his reactions of disappointment hit me when, a few hours later, I found myself sending him a picture of a neat picture of a flaming skull, the background was red, the skull faded with the background so all you really see are the black voids of a skull, and yellow hued flames dancing on it.  His statement, after an admission of the picture being very cool, was one which he would consider, if I said it now as he did, as manipulative and guilt inducing.

“It’s too bad that’s how you see me sometimes…”

I knew it was manipulation, though I thought I would play along in a way, just to keep some peace even though I knew I was enabling and playing the codependent part again. He fails to remember, or doesn’t accept as the case may be, the reality that he is just as manipulative as me, and we have this abusive habit that I am desperately trying to break free from.  I’m tired of the habit…

I am ready to change this part of me, because it is too unhealthy for not only me, but our children as well, and I cannot teach them how to be healthy if I continue down a path of holding onto such unhealthy habits, which will be passed down to them.  I choose to learn how to do things differently, because I will not be a slave to any label, when I know that I don’t like how I am as a person because of that label.  I do not have to be “too independent” or “too set in my ways” or “too codependent” or “too emotional” or “too serious” or “too anything” if I choose to not be one extreme or the other and strive for balance and maintaining health, instead of throwing it away because I would rather live in the comfort of not trying, because of the fear of failure or not doing something perfectly.

 

Insane Epiphany

August 7, 2012


 

I have been very troubled by my friendship with Wolf lately, and it seems to have gone through some difficult times that neither of us really want at this time.  I was recently asked by Wolf when I thought things began to go downhill, or why, as there had to be some other explanation than we had gotten better at communicating with each other.  I had no answer for him, and it was a question that had been bothering me for quite some time, actually.  As I was discussing some passing thoughts with another friend recently, a thought hit me like a ton of bricks.  It seemed so insane at the time, yet it seems to at least be the most plausible explanation of things between us.  I honestly have no clue when, or if, I will share these thoughts with Wolf, as the very notion of this theory will be seen as unwanted, and goes against everything he, especially, holds as his “values” at this point in his life.

 

Wolf and I got very close about this time last year for various reasons, and grew even closer throughout the beginning stages of his DUI, and what I thought were, the final stages of finalizing my divorce.  Sometime around Thanksgiving was when I saw some small things that gave me pause to question as to why it felt like I couldn’t be “me” anymore around him, and even more so as Christmas drew near.  The final nail in the coffin was placed sometime around New Year’s, or shortly after, as I felt completely awkward, suddenly scared to be relaxed around him.  I felt like I was beginning to second guess things I said to him, feeling criticized and guilty of being/feeling so much more critical of Wolf.  I began to see some changes within Wolf that were absolutely wonderful to see, also gave me a feeling of Wolf not being a safe person in my life.  That left me feeling very anxious, and several insecurities came to the surface that I hadn’t felt in a very long time with him, or any other male friend in a very long time.  I began to take criticisms personally and decided to take some time to do some soul-searching, yet I could not pin point why I felt so uneasy around him.  I began to see a side of him that seemed to mistrust me for reasons I could not begin to know or understand.

 

I have attributed a lot of these changes to the fact that Wolf is on probation, and has been completely sober from the “things” that got him into trouble, and the DUI.  This was the first time in a long time that he had to face his life, let alone a woman whom he loves and cares about deeply, totally and utterly sober.  While that is possibly/probably a huge reason for this unease between us, I believe an underlying problem existed that was exacerbated by the sobriety, as well as his own search for serenity and dealing with his own feelings and demons.  It was this underlying problem that I have continually come back to enough times to seriously consider it one reason that is not favorable or wanted by Wolf whatsoever.  I would hardly hesitate to say that Wolf would deem my theory of the true “problem” as detestable.

 

Wolf has told me repeatedly that he is not fond of my psycho-analyzing the struggles and frustrations between us, though I had to admit a harsh truth to him: that if I didn’t psycho-analyze the things we were constantly saying are frustrating us about our friendship, then I wouldn’t have been able to logically, and emotionally, believe that these things were partially due to him being sober, and that I would be able to be patient with him.  I had to be honest and tell him that if it weren’t for that, I would have told him to just leave my life for a while, as I had become so frustrated that I just wanted him to leave me alone all together.  Psycho-analyzing helped put my volatile emotions aside, which would have been reactive, and put some logic of emotions (which can be/are illogical) into the mix to come to have the compassionate emotions that show I truly do love him unconditionally, and become more proactive instead.

 

The “sobriety” excuse worked for a while, although I still could not grasp why we had so many emotional frustrations, and why I always seemed to be the one to “blame” for these emotional dramatic conversations happening.  I could not see how I was creating drama, and I even looked to other male friends for guidance in how I was acting, or talking, or writing things that could be seen as dramatic, overly emotional or needy.

 

None of the men that have counseled me had any possible answers for me that helped put this dramatic and cryptic problem into perspective, or any logic that I could be compassionate with.  They did, however, make statements to the fact that they could see or understand why I might be confused.  Some men agreed with my assessments that, if looked upon it in one perspective, could come across as me being completely arrogant.  Some men simply saw things as me unintentionally being a “safety net” or basically “the tested and true fallback” that would step in, in some cases, as the last resort Wolf knew he could count on.  I had wanted to refute these suggestions, as these only seemed to portray Wolf as someone who has only been manipulating me for all the 5 years I have known him, and I did not want to see him that way.

 

I did, however, begin to believe how other men were viewing the situation between Wolf and I, and after hearing other things Wolf professed about himself and “men in general”, I began to become quite cynical about what is reality when it comes to anything a man says to me, or any woman for that matter.  I became so jaded that I could not seem to begin to figure out what to believe, or which way my heart and soul were leaning as the truth.  I began to know without a doubt, I wanted nothing to do with men or a relationship of any sort, as all men seemed to be just using me with a goal of having sex with me, or trying to just be agreeable with me trying to spare themselves of any “drama” that always seems to ensue with women.

 

I have recently become fascinated with the psychological theory of “projection,” as I have run across it before in counseling sessions off and on throughout the years, as well as in self-help books and soul-searching that I have done for a while now.  I have also run across this phenomenon with people I care about, in terms of me being guilty of projecting, as well as others being guilty of it.  It is something that has torn apart some of the relationships that I thought could last through time, and not something that was easy to admit to when guilty of perpetrating this type of transgression.  It is usually seen as one form of passive-aggressive conflict.  One of the best ways I have heard describing projection is this: “Projection is the opposite defense mechanism to identification.  We project our own unpleasant feelings onto someone else and blame them for having thoughts we really have.”

 

There have been countless times that I have been on the receiving end of someone’s projections, normally criticizing some aspect of my emotions that are blown out of proportion.  This is usually after I was able to truly analyze my own feelings and see if I truly was acting and feeling things that people claimed I was.  I have spent so much time analyzing the negative things people say about me so I can either correct, or balance out, character flaws of mine.  It’s not that I actually “care” about what other people think of me, as in that their approval of me and my actions are not heavily tied to my self-worth or self-esteem.  It is more that I want to be the best person that I can be.  Therefore, if I can work on a flaw to help keep it from negatively affecting my relationships, I will take what others say as to how they view me and try to make amends if needed, especially when I allow the character flaws to affect my relationships with others in a negative way.

 

During some recent discussions while these confusing and troubling times with Wolf have come about, the thought of projection has occasionally entered my mind, so I have tried very hard to analyze my own insecurities and decide whether I have projected any self-criticisms or unpleasant feelings about myself onto Wolf.  I have found that there are a couple of instances of projecting, which I have tried to make amends for, and have seemed to be heavily revolving around abandonment insecurities, such as the one of me having feelings of abandoning people I care about.  However, when discussing something with my best friend this evening, I had to seriously look at the possibility that the problems I have with Wolf are truly revolving around him projecting things onto me.  This seems to be more so than the other way around, and even more than the fact I am a sentimental and hopeless romantic that can fall prey to my mind by reading too much into things.

 

At this point in time, I truly believe whole heartedly that problems between Wolf and myself began when my divorce had been denied, as we both felt dejected and frustrated that I could not get what I wanted.  I know I projected some of my frustrations onto Wolf and became more critical of him.  I also believe Wolf projected his own frustrations onto me, including feelings he seemed to have about wanting or even needing a relationship with me, and his fears that I am, in fact, just using him and have no intention of getting a divorce.  The projections started out small, though I believe that once we both realized that we were comfortable considering ourselves a “couple” and in a relationship, the label of me being married was then used to put up boundaries that were not present even just a few months, let alone a few weeks, prior.  We both fought for self-preservation and prevention of hurt, though it seems we ended up creating more hurt than ever intended.

 

My divorce being denied, along with my stubborn way of not taking Wolf’s suggestions to get myself away from my husband, must have crushed Wolf in many ways.  Sometimes I think he had every right to be frustrated that I had not taken his suggestions.  Even though they were valid suggestions, they just went too much against my core ethics and morals of how I wish to live my life.  I don’t like not taking other people’s advice which is meant help me, as then it can lead to people not believing you actually want to hear their thoughts, but that you just want validation of what you are already doing.  That isn’t what I meant at all, and even I felt as if there was nothing left I could do other than to just be patient and do things in a slow and methodical way, conforming to what was being requested until things could be finalized.

 

As I look back on things, I see many things that lead me to believe that Wolf is projecting his own uncomfortable feelings of wanting a relationship with me that is deeper than “just friends”, and projecting some of his uncomfortable feelings of what happens in a relationship, onto me.  All of a sudden, I was “acting too much like a girlfriend”, though he could not give me specifics for me to work on so I wasn’t making him that uncomfortable as he pulled further away slowly.  This began by him criticizing all the “negative drama” in my life that revolved around my divorce and struggles with my mother and her health and well-being.  Then it turned into me somehow acting like I was expecting or wanting an exclusive and serious relationship, even though I said nothing of the sort, and felt that the hurt feelings I had were hurt on a purely friend level, let alone what a casual girlfriend would feel.  Then it became that he didn’t want to share things about his life and feelings, as he did not want to let people get too close to him, and he felt it was not worth sharing.  If I asked for anything other than topical discussions, I was seen as being basically nosy.

 

After these “issues”, it became that when I wanted to spend time with him when I still felt he was my best friend and safest confidante, especially if one-on-one so I could share some sensitive information with him, I was again asking for too much.  He started to compare me to his best male friend as justification about why asking for his time alone was a seriously emotional transgression, bordering on pure jealousy.  Then it became that almost anything I spoke of from my heart, be it positive or negative, which is what he asked me to do, I became the enemy and was being “cryptic” and “dramatic”.  When I asked to speak to him during a few dark times, he became annoyed with me speaking to him about nothing but “negative drama,” and claimed I was too needy, especially compared to him.  Then it was…well, I have so many examples that I might speak of in another post.

 

I think this all boils down to him avoiding the reality of his feelings about me.  He has spent more time avoiding things emotional, and it seems to be that he is trying to convince himself that he doesn’t actually have the feelings he has deep in his heart.  He seems to be projecting and finding faults in things I say and do that are blown out of proportion, trying to divert the core issue of him getting emotionally attached to me.  It also seems that some of his long-held professions of never letting a woman get him worked up ever again, in addition to his professions of never wanting a serious relationship, are being challenged.  His projections have been pushing me away, though I want to be there for him, no matter what.

 

I am sure I will have more to say about this another time, though for now, I think it is best to meditate a bit, and see if any other answers can be found to when and why Wolf and I began to have so many frustrating conflicts.  I am not sure yet if I will share this insane epiphany with Wolf, if at all, though it seems to be insane enough to actually make sense of a very illogical and confusing time.

 

Where The Truth Lies

June 5, 2012


Where The Truth Lies

Keep me grounded in reality,
Don’t pull me along a rainbow
Chasing a pot of gold non-existent;
I wonder if this life could be so hollow.
The times our bodies met with true passion,
Powerfully honest and profound;
Only to me it may actually be
And it may have simply been my heart’s sound.
Tell me how insane I must have been
To feel and see your cloak drop
If only for a small moment.
While my heart did not stop,
I opened further to full accept what you offered.
Tell me it was all just dreams.
Tell me I don’t know you that well.
Tell me it is not as it seems.
Keep me at bay for as long as you like,
Though tell me once more
How to tell which of your words are actually lies,
So I can stop my soul from being so sore.
Tell me I did not see the truth,
The truth you try so hard to hide;
How comfortable you can be when you give in
To your honest and heartfelt emotional side.
Fears of what could be the actual truth of it all,
Seem to melt in those moments I see
Making you question what you swore to hold in concrete,
So tell me again just how crazy I must be.

©Ami May 2012

Trying To Find Balance

January 24, 2012


In my effort to find some balance again in my life, I decided to try to take up keeping a journal again, though some of the things I decide to write about I will keep strictly “on paper” to respect the privacy of some in my life.  For now, I have decided to add another paper journal to my collection that started when I was very young, and as each of those journals have been open for anyone to read (once I reached a point of being old enough and allowed myself to feel secure enough in opening myself up for criticism), so why not continue to be the “open book” that I am for those that want to know?

My journal is my best friend, and I hold no secrets from my absolute best friend, and I have found that writing down what is in my soul is easier than speaking it aloud some times.  Some thoughts may be painful for some to read, and some I may look back on and cringe at my own words, but that is a risk anyone who keeps a journal must take.  This gives those that want to know my thoughts the opportunity to see the depths of my soul on their own terms…when and if they have the interest in doing so.

My life has been turbulent in many ways lately and I can’t quite pin-point an exact trigger, or solution.  This, of course, bothers me in some regards, but in others, it has helped be find that I still have the ability to accept things “as is” and adapt to what life hands me.  I have noticed, however, that in my effort to “be selfish” and do things that I thought I needed to do for “me” and to make sure I don’t get lost in fantasy, I lost some direction and seemed to have created a distance from those I considered closest to me…right at a time I could have used that intimacy.

I have felt a bit lost, confused, fuzzy and contradictory in my thoughts and feelings recently.  In an effort to gain some clarity, I bought a few books the other day.  The one I chose to begin reading first is Beyond Religion: A Personal Program for Building a Spiritual Life Outside the Walls of Traditional Religion.  I am about 49 pages in and have found myself becoming teary and emotional.

Great…me being emotional…when will that ever end?  At least I’ve tried to keep the emotions hidden from others, as I get so tired of trying to defend what things touch me so deeply that it brings me to tears…regardless of whether they are tears of sadness, anxiety, joy or even relief.

So far the book seems to, in a sense, re-affirm that my deeply emotional side is a sign of my spirituality and soul-fullness.  If it is re-affirming what I already feel about myself, why am I ashamed of it?  Why do I run away from it?  Why do I stop doing the things that bring me passion in life?

Is it because, yet again, I feel that I have no real support in those things?  Is it that my passions are so dull that the ones I truly love and care about only hear with their ears but make it painfully obvious that they don’t want to actually listen to me or that they simply are paying me lip service by not fully paying attention or trying to find out what kind of support I need in my life?

Of course, then again, I write that down and I second guess myself and realize that I am holding others to my own expectations of how I relate to other people.  That seems to be a problem for me, and I am unsure how to correct it…or if it needs to be corrected at all.  When I do ask to be treated a specific way or ask for support, I seem to be given lectures on how I should or should not be feeling or reacting.  At times it almost seems as if I am told how “immature” I am and how others have a better or healthier view of life and how to handle it than I do, even though I have seen counselors/therapists off and on for most of my life and have a host of self-help books and am constantly trying to find out different or better ways of handling my life.

So maybe this is just the time for me to be a bit introspective and look to myself only for support and peace.  I mean I don’t “need” anyone else for support or to bring me peace, but I had always held out hope that others may want to follow me on my journey to peace and balance and the adventure of my life…just as I have been their supporting others in their journeys.  Then again, maybe this all boils down to my fear and unease with criticism directed at me and/or my actions, emotions and plans for my life.

I’ve been told many times that I seem to take life too seriously.  Really?  Isn’t life serious at times and don’t others see how I revel in the not-so-serious aspects of life?  I have a sense of humor, even a morbid one at times, but just because I don’t constantly make fun of people or situations does not mean I take life too seriously.  Why does me being compassionate equate to seriousness?  Why do my deep emotions and trying to find solutions to problems equate to serious drama?

Then again, why should I care?  Oh right…because I am human with deep emotions, which is why I can find so much joy in the smallest things that others seem to overlook or take for granted.  Unfortunately, that is me being a bit hypocritical, now isn’t it?  Here I was just saying that others seem to lecture me on how I live, love, and feel, yet I just did the same thing…

No wonder I feel so confused and conflicted now in life.  I am hoping that with some meditation, reading and maybe even some aromatherapy, I will find the peace I am looking for…with or without those I love supporting me on my journey…or loved ones being there with me in the end.

This life is too short to wait on others for too long…though I will hold out hope while I continue to move forward…as I have been and will continue to do.

********************************************************

Ironically, I began reading again after writing this entry and a powerful statement caught my eye:

“Nothing is more important than being true to ourselves, to the daimon that lives at the core of our soul.  And what if this means we walk alone, that no one understands, that no one knows our name?  ‘And if the earthly no longer knows your name, whisper to the earth: I am flowing. To the flashing water say: I am’.”

This just gave me a sigh of…relief maybe…or is it contentment…or maybe what it did was remind me that who I really am…including the parts of me that others criticize and do not understand (or refuse to understand) is okay for me to accept…wholly and fully…

I know I may take this journey alone…and it is, and will be, okay to do this alone.

This Journey

January 23, 2012


I look at you now

You’ve traveled so far

No hiding in fear

Come closer to me

Take my hand firmly

And gaze in my eyes

To see my bare soul

No fighting the truth

I come to you now

Follow this dream-scape

Forever to find

I am here for you

I’d give you my heart

I’d give you my soul

You are here for me

You give me your heart

You give me your soul

With you I find peace

Lovingly embraced

No longer fighting

The flow of what is

Finally letting go

Able to accept

All that we do have

And all that we want

Say you hear me

Say what you’ve hidden

In deep far too long

Take the next leap and

We’ll take this journey

And never hold back

The tidal waves of

Love, true and profound

I’m here for you now

I give you my heart

I give you my soul

I love you my dear.

©Ami May 2012

More Emotional Waves

August 9, 2011


Finding something I wasn’t really even looking for still amazes me today.  While I connect with some people, I didn’t know or couldn’t even imagine just how well, and deeply, I would connect with others.  It is because of these connections that give me serenity during the tough times.  It is the deep feelings that overwhelm me with joy and love manifested through those that accept me and find joy in being around me.  Strangely enough, I still find myself unable to speak at times and guard what I say, choosing my words carefully, trying to bring sense to what seems like chaos falling from my lips.

Part of me is not sure whether what is happening is real or fantasy, and while  I don’t want to read too much into things that are quite simple, I cannot deny what it is I really long to be reality, not just the perception of a fantasy never to materialize.

Sometimes…okay, well, a lot of times…it is hard for me to hear the words from those in my past that are, after time apart, now a current part of my life, and whom I hope to always have in my life.  Why does their hindsight almost make me cringe?  Why did they guard themselves so much that it ended up pushing me away for so long?

Ironic, isn’t it, that here I guard my words at times, and I seem to be chastising those that have done the same thing as me.  I don’t always intentionally guard what it is I truly think and feel, and I know without a doubt that some of it is conditioning from the sickness I have called marriage for a while.  Then again, I feel I let my actions speak the words I have had a hard time saying out loud.  So many times my mind thinks faster than my mouth allows, so words jumble, and it has, finally, become something I am comfortable with.

Of course, maybe it’s because I’ve been told for so long that actions speak louder than words.

I do believe that actions speak louder than words to an extent, and while I try to outwardly express what I feel deep inside by my actions, I still feel the words in conjunction with actions are the most genuine and true.

Why tell me now, years later, that I “was the one that got away” and that nobody has compared to me; that everyone else comes in 2nd place to me, yet never really saying that, let alone actually acting on it before?  Why let something like that slip away if it is what you truly believe?  Why does it feel as if those statements are only lip service after the fact?

It leaves me dumbfounded as a few have sworn these statements to me, yet all of them (with one exception) discarded me so easily and seemingly used me when I invited them back into my life.  Granted, I feel that only 1 honestly, and with deliberation, used me in this fashion, though the feelings of being taken advantage of, or even feelings of being taken for granted, have peppered the renewed and changed relationships.

Yes, they all swore they wanted to marry me, and some still swear they do, but I do not see what it is they want from me, especially in regards to a marriage.  Why would I marry anyone without a clear understanding of what a marriage means to them?  I made the mistake of not insisting on clear definitions and expectations of marriage once…which was a very hard lesson learned, indeed.

I can’t even begin to fully describe my thoughts on marriage now, other than to say a few poignant notions, whether some view them as silly or not, they are for me to believe and compromise on as each situation dictates…and when true honest communication allows for my pragmatic nature to flow freely.

I feel that hand written vows or promises are more important and meaningful, to me at least, than the “traditional” ones I spoke almost 14 years ago.  Then again, maybe it’s a bit of bitterness shining through as I reflect upon how certain traditional vows are used as a dogmatic form of manipulation and stipulation in an effort to exact control.  This, of course is without even including the possibility of the definitions and expectations being absolutely and honestly unrealistic to one, or both partners, especially if no true definition or explanation of what those words truly meant to each other was spoken prior to uttering the words of the promises in front of witnesses on the wedding day.  I truly feel that I am not the only person who has come to realize that so very often, and normally only after a breaking point is reached, that clarification from the partners of the marriage contract regarding what those words will lead to as far as expectations, and what, if any, “deal-breakers” would be included with each of those vows, should have been thoroughly discussed before that fate-filled, and quite often fairy-tale, day.

Unfortunately, my eyes are drooping at this moment, even though I have so much more to write, and I must continue riding this emotional wave on another day.

Emotional Waves

August 8, 2011


I can’t seem to write out my thoughts, which has been the easiest way for me to express my life, and now it makes me wonder just what the Hell is going on with me.

How do I say that I am in pain…feeling such sorrow and loneliness…yet feel hope and love?

How do I say that I am scared…yet feel so confident?

I am so very nervous about being vulnerable, yet I ache for the comfort in knowing that I can be totally and utterly vulnerable.

Maybe my goals and aspirations are too lofty, but carrying the burden of all-too-real responsibilities is taking its toll on me.  I was too lost at one point to even realize I had such dreams, and in those dreams were pieces of me…my heart and soul were scattered there…and while I tried to conform, I gradually lost my passions until it seemed as if I was only a shell of who I once was.  Then again, I’ve grown older since then as well, so some feelings of losing myself may be that I actually became a bit more mature and wiser.  At least that’s the way I chose to think of it during the darkest moments to keep the morose thoughts at bay.

Dark thoughts and feelings, including resentment, replaced a bit of the shreds of my being that were drifting away in the breeze.  I’m amazed and disgusted, looking back on it now, that I was barely much more than just a shell of what could even remotely be considered a human being.  I was hurt enough that my soul seemed to be drawn out of my body excruciatingly slow…a torture I wish on no other.

I was an inanimate object, the easy target of ridicule and shame for a time, then came the insidious rejection without so much as a word.  I felt so completely used and violated.

I often question which one hurts the most – the slaps, punches, chokes, pushes, screams, sarcasm, rage, and belittling remarks, or the avoidance and denial of what brought the psychosis to a head.  I am still ashamed that I gave in to going down the road of playing an abuser and a martyr to match the intensity and, in a sense, passion of the relationship, and only for a small moment in time, just to try to keep the peace, did I give in to the avoidance and denial.

None of it really makes any sense; it doesn’t seem logical or genius.  Some genius may truly be madness, but really, just how far mad does it have to get for it be considered utterly logical and bright?

Why did I venture out and see the world I had been missing?  Why, of all the times in my life, did I let his words push me over the edge?  Why did I find so much around me tempting, all while hearing the often said cliché, over and over, of “the grass always looks greener on the other side of the fence, until you make the jump and realize it is nothing but the same as the side you left, including the work it takes to keep it going”?

Unfortunately, the people who seem to say that the most are the ones that were discarded and still bitter, or simply believing in the fairy tale that they were so much better than the other person and of some better moral or ethical fabric.  What’s even more sad is the holier-than-thou statement is what ends up leaving battered spouses (whether physically or mentally) staying right where they are and they resign themselves to constant toxicity to pray that they never hear those guilt inducing words.  Oh, there are plenty of other disgusting comments said in reply to ending relationships specifically (especially marriage), and I could spend hours simply dissecting the manipulative tactics and bullying remarks that are most often more damaging than helpful, but that, my friends, is for another time.

I am absolutely not a saint, in fact, far from it, however, I cannot, and will not, take full blame as it was a partnership, no matter how toxic it was in all reality and what I brought as detrimental to the table.

Now my mind shifts to hearing the pain and shame in her voice that left me quietly sobbing.  No matter her downfalls, she does not deserve the troubling times she is facing, and I wish I could take the pain and stress away from her.  She is, after all, only my mother, yet I can’t simply snap my fingers and have it go away for her, no matter how much I wish I could.  Through all the pain we dealt to each other in the turbulence of our relationship, we grew closer and finally learned respect and how to love each other more deeply than I ever thought we could.

From her unrelenting anger and hurt that left me wondering how to even think I could be more than simply the devil incarnate, came me, as a woman, who has a hard time doing many things, but who has always ended up surviving, and in some cases actually thriving.  In hindsight, as I look at her through the eyes of someone walking in some eerily similar footsteps, including motherhood, her actions truly were understandable.  From her constant cries of betrayal and lies, came me, a woman, who tends to trust quite blindly and tends to believe in the possibility of forgiveness and change.  It’s astonishing to me that in the process of trying to be the complete opposite of her, I find so much in common with her.  I see myself purposely trying to find, and ride, that fine line between extremes, as I know in my heart and soul that there is so much of her that is worthy of praise, and so much of her that is worthy of forgiveness, as she did what she did for the sake of survival, not to be someone worth hating.

My true nature is very giving, yet I find myself at times, wondering if I am that way only to receive something in return.  I question my own motives occasionally, after all, most people question whether I am genuine at all in regards to my incentive for doing certain things.

Even though I am not a glorified soul, I am most certainly not a monster, so why do I feel like I am, especially when I actually speak from my heart and soul about my wants and needs?  Why, when I actually stand my ground, am i seen as something hideous and worthy of contempt?  Why, when I was opening myself like a book, were things so hard for others to take that I was left standing alone?

Does any of that really matter anyway?  I really don’t know if it really matters, but having so many unanswered questions haunts me at times…such as now.

Sitting here in almost absolute silence make my thoughts seem so loud, and they keep me from slumber this night.  The words born from these almost psychotic thoughts are racing and non-coherent; partial sentences that probably only make sense to me.

And now, I decide, that another time may be best for finishing these thoughts…