I am at the beginning stages of trying to refinance my house, as part of my divorce settlement that was awarded in November of 2013, and I am finding it very hard not to be both positive about the experience as well as nervous and doubtful that this huge personal achievement will come to pass within the next month as I had hoped.  Anxiety about the possibility of my home not being assessed at a high enough value to be able to refinance yet has definitely been creeping in as I reflect on the time I tried to refinance as soon as my divorce was awarded, though I am trying to rationalize the thoughts as trying to keep myself grounded in reality, in case things happened as they did before, and hope that my anxiety is not a form of self-sabotage or the negative version of the Law of Attraction that will garner me the results that I truly hope do not repeat from my last experience.

I have sacrificed a lot to get where I am at and feel proud of my accomplishments, yet there is a part of me that seems to be feeling quite a bit of shame in feeling proud, as if I need to ensure I’m not so confident that I end being arrogant and feel completely defeated if I need more time to unlock the life achievement that I’ve taken great care to try to unlock.  I know failing at this goal, at this time, will not break me completely, though the reality of pushing the goal off to a different time frame, again, will have some ramifications that I’d rather avoid, including pushing off the extra things that I would like to give to my children.

My children have everything they need; a roof over their head, utilities, food, and even clothing, though there is so much more I would like to be able to give them.  I would love to be able to take them traveling and experience places that I was blessed to be able to experience, just for starters, though the luxuries I seem to be denying them that their peers have been afforded are lower on my priority list until I can get past this hurdle of refinancing my house.  That is a concept I have tried to explain to my children after every “…but everyone else…” and “We don’t get anything…” comment is made; we have to sacrifice now so I can get to a point of budgeting in those luxuries and maintain the home we have as well, and it is a promise I made in the dissolution of my marriage to their father.  I have to legally keep this promise before I can focus on giving them any of the things they want that are over and above what they need to survive, which can be a difficult concept to explain without sounding as if I am being selfish, especially when I am at a point in life that I refuse to go into debt to put my children first outside of their immediate needs.

I was heartbroken when, after my 4th attempt at filing for divorce and it finally being granted (doing things pro se 3 times previously just didn’t work out; the judges would not grant our mutually agreed upon settlement – a point I can see both sides of, begrudgingly), I immediately sought to refinance the house as my ex-husband and I agreed upon and was told I needed to pay off about another $10,000 in debt before I could refinance. The mortgage and equity loan were the last items that I needed to remove his name from as far as jointly owned/responsible accounts, and the sooner I could get that accomplished, the better, as there was always tension when it came to finances between us that would lead to closure and less to argue about if it could be done as soon as possible.  It was frustrating to tell the mortgage banker that I already had a loan against my 401K account (which was used to help pay off the extra $6,500 in credit card debt I had agreed to take on), and had no family to lean on for such a loan, and realizing that any personal loan would not get me any closer if I used money from such a loan to pay down the outstanding equity loan balance.

I felt completely devastated at the news, since I could afford the house payments on my own, which unfortunately was part of the problem in our marriage that, I believe, made him feel so emasculated (in addition to the resulting affair I ended up having), and with the way I had evolved my finances over the years and my length of employment with the same company, I had agreed to take on the house mortgage on my own, as well as the home equity loan we had against that, and even his half of some credit card debt that we had obtained over the years, in lieu of him receiving half of my 401K retirement balance.  Needless to say, my ex-husband actually got a pretty good deal, even though I was not giving him half of the equity in the house, or “buying him out”, since our house had fallen into disarray and with the amount of the equity loan, there was no true equity that I could give.

The devastation of hearing that reality, however, pushed me even harder to reach the goal of being able to refinance our house and be able to truly own the house on my own.  I had a goal, which I told my ex-husband about before we even got married, that I wanted to own a house by the time I was 30.  Due to the fact that he wanted to own a home before we had children, which he knew from the start that I wanted early for medical and selfish reasons of the ability to enjoy and be actively involved in being a mother, I was able to sign the mortgage to the house with him just before I turned 20 (in large part because of his VA status which equated to no money down and no private mortgage insurance required on the original loan), and also stepped across the stage to receive my GED in the same month.

December of 1999…talk about a time in my life that I will never forget.  It’s a time in my life I never want to forget in many ways, though in so many I wish I could forget, as I had crawled back from a dark hole that started roughly in May of 1996 (when I should have graduated high school instead of dropping out in January to move from Texas to Nebraska) when I was completely and utterly alone in a state where I had no family and friends and was taken advantage of in so man ways, and hit basically rock bottom at the end of January in 1997, emotionally and financially.  I am sure I could, and most likely will, write more about that time in my life in other posts, though right now, it reminds me that while I had some help emotionally and even a little help financially, I really am the one that got myself out of the pit of despair I was in; I knew what I needed to do and was blessed to receive some  motivation in ways, though what I did was more my determination than anyone seemed to give me credit for (or demanded that I acknowledge that if it weren’t for some help I would never be where I am now; a faulty logic that history can prove the fallacy of).

Since November 2013, I have successfully paid off my attorney’s fees (roughly $2,000) and paid off $3,000 of my mortgage principal, as well as just under $9,000 of my equity loan principal.  All I can do at this point is hope that when my house is appraised soon, that the value has not gone down enough to not be able to complete the refinance process this time, especially when I’ve succeeded in doing what I’ve done so far, with very little to almost no help from anyone else in my life.

I am looking forward to, yet very nervous about, finally unlocking the achievements I have, and this one is the 2nd one of the most daunting I have taken on in my life so far…the first was getting through my divorce, which I had never thought I would do, nor had even a thought of it being an achievement…initially.

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I talked to her last night for about an hour and a half, quite peacefully, and intimately as well, which opened my eyes and heart to keep things moving towards peace as far as my efforts were concerned.  She was the one that reminded me that at some point we have to stop being enablers.  I do not think she knows just how ironic that statement is in my life now as I have woken up enough to see my enabling behaviors that I need to keep under control, for many reasons, though most important was for the sake of my soul.

The irony, for me at least, is that as I have begun to put my foot down with enabling in many ways, she gives me ideas of what I can do to stop it while she is enabling in ways I just can no longer do and will only continue to impede on his growth and health if she cannot do what I had the courage to do, so to speak.  She, who could not do what I did while she was married, out of fear and such dependence, is oblivious to the mirror she should be looking at, instead of his or mine.

I love her as if she is true family, and we have had some wonderful times along with some painful ones, so I do not intend to sound as if she is awful, because she is not.  She, though, is definitely one I learn a lot from in some of the most unexpected ways, regardless of whether she intends a lesson or not.  However, that does have its disadvantages, as they may not always be the best things for the type of person I really am, whether positive or negative.

One thing she said that hit me hard last night during that time, other than the statement about stopping the enabling, was the fact I seemed so much more calm and relaxed than I had been frequently within the last, oh, I don’t even know how long anymore, and she didn’t specify a time length either.  She also said how nice it was that we weren’t snapping at each other every single time we spoke.  The final confirmation as to how I should be acting, came when she confessed that, when I picked the kids up from her house her initial statement that it had been a pretty good weekend wasn’t totally the truth, which I had wondered by the way she looked, sounded, and even acted that night when I spoke to her then.

Little does she know just how difficult it can be to not lash out in some way to the comments and interactions that happen, not only between him and I, but between her and I as well, because some of my thoughts can be so sharp and brutal, that I would be seen as, and teeter on being, a truly vengeful woman.  If I give in to the thoughts, I would be giving further validation of what was, and is not, reality, and for the sanity and serenity of my life, that is something I just cannot do. 

The fact that our children have already picked up our habits in a way I would have never wished on anyone, is what helped me realize that I must take a really steep high road throughout the “bad guy” reputation I have to accept as part of placing healthy boundaries, was what took the proverbial cake, in a way, for I knew before I even had children, I would not let them repeat the same misery I had known, whether it is the abusive ways I had lived through as a child, or the abusive ways I lived as an adult. I do carry guilt for not realizing sooner that I already had let them live that life and was grooming them to live it as either the abuser or victim as an adult until it invaded not only my dreams, but even during my most lucid states.

I now have to enable in one way, giving of myself that I may not truly want to, because I know I’m strong enough to stand my ground when it needs to be.  My boundaries are more firm than they have been before, especially once I was able to look at the entire 35 years of my life on a large scale to analyze and find something that made sense.  The pieces started to come to into focus while I was in the hospital with my daughter for those 5 days years ago, and I began truly looking for my soul, because I knew I was feeling the same as I had in my relationship with my mother when I was younger, though I was a capable adult that did not need someone else to survive.  I wanted to know why I felt like I was a child again that was beginning to believe she really was not able to live up to the expectations and questioned her own abilities that were being pushed to the side, even though she didn’t know what she could do differently because everything was so vague.

I felt so scared during the time our daughter was struggling with her health, and emotional waves just over took me to the point of a deep enough hole that I had an overwhelming urge to truly connect with the ones I loved in case someone’s time ended sooner than I would like.  When I reached out for the one that swore, and still swears to this day, that he’d be there for me if I really needed something, he turned me away and made excuses for his rejection, minimizing the reality that I was at an emotional breaking point and needed help of some sort.  I thought I needed my husband, but what I have learned is that I needed a life partner as much as a friend, something I had tried to make what our marriage was based on.  I had assumed his view of a marriage was the same as mine, though as I was reminded many times to never assume, as it makes an ass out of you and me, here I am deciding it is time to stop being an ass, because I am tired of him hiding behind me like that. 

I have taken the brunt for long enough and am determined to put the things I have learned since then into practice, because I will not take blame for doing enabling things that divert the attention from where it is truly needed and help him project things on me.  I was and am tired of being a dartboard for him and simply done with being an easier target to avoid things he does not like within his own mind. In essence, I am done being a victim of a bully that I love unconditionally by trying to control things I couldn’t, which was done because of his inability to handle uncomfortable and painful things.

I refuse to feel like that ever again, and while I feel guilt and shame for not being strong enough sooner, it truly is motivating me more than anything else, because I refuse to let our children live the life and feel the way I allowed and perpetuated any longer, simply because I had guilt for abandoning my own family before and swore to not do it again, and the fear of what might happen if I just did it again.  I cannot and will not, even if I am not perfect, I am striving for progress, not perfection, at keeping myself and my children healthy, including communicating of boundaries and respect…of that, you can take to the grave with me.


He admitted feeling lonely, missing someone to hold, and confusion about a current situation with a friend he was dealing with.  A sadness filled his words and as much as I wanted to comfort him, I had to choose my words carefully, since I actually feel less lonely within the last month, than I have in the past 7 years or so, at a minimum, and the reason for the opposite feelings was one of the issues that had caused so much conflict between us for so long.

I do not think he is ready to hear how lonely I really was for so long, as words he spoke to me when I mentioned it over time come back to the forefront, reminding me I should have been thankful that he wasn’t just out drinking and cheating, sitting at home with me instead, and claiming I was too needy and clingy.  While I agree that I should have been, and was, thankful that he was in the same home as me, it was always a conflict within me as to why I felt so lonely, even while being grateful in many ways for his presence.  It took me a long time to get to the point of being able to put it to words, and when I tried to explain it a few years ago, continually trying to find other analogies to help him understand, though it was met with his defenses going up again.

After living with him so long, then spending time away from each other for business trips before, as well as after, our daughter’s hospital stay, I came to the unnerving realization that I felt lonely most often when I was in the same vicinity as him, though I had only barely looked at the full depth of that to figure out why exactly, about 7 years ago.  As I dug deeper into my heart and soul to find clarity, what I came to know, without any shred of doubt, that, for me, the often shared quote regarding being alone was the point blank truth of what it really means to be lonely.

“I used to think that the worst thing in life was to end up alone.  It’s not.  The worst thing in life is to end up with people who make you feel all alone.” (attributed to Robin Williams most often)

We had painstakingly ceased to stop truly interacting, other than the dance of conflict and then shutting down and coming together again for a short time, to then repeat the process, and I began to feel as if I was simply a piece of comfortable furniture that brought him peace and contentment.  I felt taken for granted.  I felt that I was in a home with a visible ghost that could not, or would not, communicate with me, and I could not touch the soul that I could see.  I felt as if I was bound by obligation to deny my needs and desires, especially when I asked directly, and was shunned in many ways, of which, the worst seemed to be just the silent rejection of ignoring.

So many things that left me to come to those dramatic conclusions of how to explain the dire loneliness I felt, and regardless of what examples I could use to express how often he shunned me and left me alone without even leaving my presence, I felt guilt for needing something he seemed not to need, and that which seemed to be too difficult for him to put forth effort for very long until we slipped back into what he felt was a comfortable routine.

I felt my self-confidence take on a two steps forward and one step back routine and I truly questioned how awful I must have been to have my own husband ignore actually interacting with me in favor of fantasies within television and solitary video games, going so far as to not even notice on many occasions standing in front of him naked, trying to gain his attention.  It eroded my self-worth, feeling as if I was not worth breaking away from anything, even for a few moments, for physical, let alone emotional, connection from someone I thought was a soul mate and professed the same in return.

I knew he struggled with depression and low feelings of self-worth, though it truly seemed as if no matter how many compliments I gave or how often I told him I wanted him, physically or emotionally, he was a hole that kept getting deeper and sucking more of me down with him.  He showed all the signs of depression, including a more withdrawn demeanor, so I tried to be as compassionate as I could, though to hear the venom from him when I would ask for some small form of letting me into his life and soul telling me that I was being too nosy and that men don’t discuss their feelings, among other shunning remarks, I got wore out and began to move to feeling angry and indignation at him pushing away the one person who swore to be his best friend forever.

It was so lonely to be in the same house together, yet he was in another room spending hours relaxing with some form of electronics, and would get upset with me for interrupting his time of relaxing.  I was shunned from having general conversations, especially if during a television show or while he was playing a game, then when a compromise was made that I could speak with him during those times, he wouldn’t actually break away from what he was doing to concentrate on what I was saying.  I felt like I was just background white noise to him, and when I would ask, especially when discussing something I felt was important, for him to acknowledge me and look at me from time to time instead of reading or typing at the same time I was speaking, I was accused of even more neediness and unrealistic expectations.

It broke my heart, and my soul, so I began to learn how to comfort myself for a time.  I would go to bed alone, more often than not actually, longing for him to be with me, and I would cry myself to sleep, then feel shame when I was told the next day or later that he came to bed after I was asleep but couldn’t wake me up to cuddle, let alone anything further.

I admit that I did every single thing I could think of to get the intimacy my soul was aching for, not simply physically, but, again, emotionally and in a way, spiritually.  The more I tried to be intimate, the more he pushed away, for reasons I still am not aware of, and honestly, the reasons are not as important now as they once were, for if they are comfortable to him and something he does not want to change about himself, then there is no reason for me to continue to wish I knew and let it be.  With that being said, though, I know without a doubt what it is I need, and a very strong bond of intimacy is what I need.  If he could not, or would not, let go of whatever it was that was holding him back from connecting with me like I needed, then I had to let go of him instead of trying to chase him and entice him to move towards me.

It is still painful to keep him at an arm’s length, because I always wanted to be close to him, yet he was a ghost of something undead always within my presence, ready to lash out when I began my travels of being comfortable enough with myself to enjoy being alone without feeling lonely more often than not.  Jealousies became even more frequent as I began moving towards something healthier and I shared my time with others instead of being a comfortable chair he would notice was gone, though never sat in it, if it was more animate.  I still try to put forth effort, though through as long as this has been an issue between us, I became more detached, though not any less full of love and support.  These concepts and discussions have created more conflict than I ever intended, especially when I wanted to know what I could do to better the situation so he didn’t feel jealous and speak our needs and wants instead of the unspoken expectations we kept failing to meet.

I am unsure how to be supportive as he travels a new path and see how, so far, it leaves him feeling lonely, unloved, unwanted, and confused.  I hold back a lot from him in the short times we speak, for while I want to be supportive, there is a part of me wanting to remind him that i had felt the same way for an even longer period of time than he has, though I felt that way while I had someone as my husband living with me every day.  The pain of his jealousy, while at times it was possibly valid, more often than not, he failed to see how often he was the one that shunned me and took me for granted which paved the way to be comfortable doing things on my own, enjoying more solitary time away from him, then moving towards realizing that others actually wanted to interact with me and be intimate when he didn’t want to (or maybe couldn’t because of his own inner conflicts), so his jealousy should have been a red flag to look towards himself and find a solution to change things from both sides of the coin, not simply my own.

Give me true solitude, and I enjoy it very much, with only a few twinges of loneliness when I realize I want to share some moment with someone that isn’t there, rather than being in the same house day after day with someone that doesn’t want to share many moments with me and shuns my wanting to share with them as well.  At least when I am alone, I have only myself to rely on to gain comfort from loneliness, sometimes by putting forth extra effort to reach out to someone that may not be very easy to connect with.  However, it seems more preferable than when I was with him like I was before; if I needed or wanted some comfort, he turned me away, so I had to comfort myself while explicitly being told I could not reach out to the one right within my reach without much effort.

 


“It’s too bad that’s the way you see me sometimes…” in addition to a few other statements I noticed, were a way of reaching out to feel better about himself, as in he was reaching for compliments and to feel wanted.  I believe we all tend to do this passive-aggressive move from time to time, though it felt over the years that, as time went on, my attempts at complimenting him and showing him that he was wanted, felt like they became wasted efforts, as his self-confidence dwindled, while insecurities and pain turned into resentments and grew more frequent.  It was a frustrating thing for me, because even I knew deep down, now that I can reflect, I had my own insecurities that swelled to the surface and took on a form that I didn’t acknowledge or handle in a way that was healthy either, and included manipulation of some severe degrees.  I even manipulated his family in attempts to avoid certain conflicts and feelings of failure in regards to being able to have what I wanted in life.

At some point I became someone I didn’t want to be, and I felt like I was a caged animal, so I intentionally set about the wheels of motion that has led me to be where I am now.  I became selfish in many ways, yet in others, I actually was still loyal, and that is where so much of my pain resides, even now, when something triggers the memory or brings the anger I had been trying to release up to the surface again.  The few honest confessions from him the last few weeks, especially, has left me going from controlled rage of indignation, to holding onto a thread of hope that the man I thought was hidden deep within him would finally be able to shine on the world.

The first one that comes to mind is how he described one of his female friend’s ex, which in summary came down to this, “He was kind of a douche.  He couldn’t hold down a job and she was working to support him by working 2 jobs and finally she just couldn’t take it.”

He did notice my facial expression change a bit after I initially heard him say that someone was kind of a douche, since I am not used to hearing that phrase come from him, and then I heard the “why” the guy was a douche, which was the bit of the woman working 2 jobs, and she kept it up for 2 years, but she just couldn’t take it anymore.  I kept my composure and didn’t really say anything, which was a good thing, because I think things would have taken a turn for the worse if I said what was frantically running through my head upon soaking in what he was telling me.

“If you think he is a douche for that, then what do you think you are?  Do you realize I never once called you anything like that and yet you feel it’s something I need to get over and you avoid the reasons I have now been working 5 years holding down 2 jobs?  Oh, you think you get to give her a ‘you should never have to do that’ and emotionally, let alone physically, comfort her about her situation but continually refuse to truly apologize to me for doing the same thing?”

Bitter?  You bet your ass!  However, I chose to not be passive-aggressive or spiteful even though I wanted to very badly lash out at that moment and pass along the pain he just dealt to me back at him.  It was tough, but I did it, and I even confronted the pain a little bit later, trying to communicate that the statement stung, and tried to simply say that her situation, for that specific scenario, is eerily similar to what I went through and stuck through for 4 years before really standing my ground and becoming what was, and may still be, seen as even more reason to claim I was giving up and not trying.

I am not sure if he really understood that even though I feel pain about our situation and hearing about something similar to someone else, I wasn’t trying to bring up or hold onto the past, per se, but looking there to find the underlying reason of why hearing or discussing the facts brings about so much venom between us.  Looking at my initial reactions and how I tried to calmly discuss it a few minutes later, I was able to see that the reason I was hurt so much was the denial of individual and mutual realities, which has brought about resentments between the both of us.

For me, it was a door that was never closed because the core reason(s) we got into so much financial problems were never addressed so we could try to find a solution to the problem, not just cover it up.  I don’t like confrontation, though I knew even years before, that confronting things did not need to be an all out war, and if the perceptions were open enough, it could be seen as an understanding and finding a solution that was more of peace, than victor or loser.

I tried, I really did, though at a certain point, I stopped trying because I was trying to carry him along on moving forward and he was slowly losing the momentum to move forward, and he drug me back.

Ironically, he did that literally, as well as figuratively, when it came to me trying to help him sleep in bed as his sleep apnea was worsening as he continued to gain weight.  He would get upset with me for tying to wake him from sleeping in the living room on a chair, and it would sometimes take me an hour or more to roust him so he could lay down in bed instead of rocking forward and backward and his head fall back and forth almost in a whiplash like fashion.  I worried so much about his health, that his apnea would wake me up in the middle of the night, which became so frequent that I had to face reality for what it was, and we had no life insurance, one thing we cut back on prior to me getting a 2nd job and, the fact of the matter is, we kept the full load of cable and spent in a way we never should have.

I felt guilty for allowing the life insurance to be dropped, because his health was spiraling out of control, and it was a subject that he didn’t like about himself, which therefore was a land mine field if you dared to even tiptoe near it.  Talk of his weight, not even to ridicule, but to genuinely express concern, was met with disdain and anger.  Talk of his sleep and my manipulative tactics as well as directly confronting it was met with resentment for trying to control him.

I admit, I was trying to control him, though I thought it was what was best at the time, because I was concerned and didn’t want to see him suffer as it seemed like he was.  I manipulated him in many ways, tying every known method I could find, to try to take care of him and keep him from a fate I feared he was nearing every day.  It does not matter what my intentions were, because no matter the intention, it was not right of me to try to control him like that.

Even though I can look at it like that, it still brings me pain to know that he views me so negatively and feels I gave up or did not try hard enough, especially within the time frame he gave me, of at least the last 4 years.  I saw the last 6 years, especially, as trying harder than I ever did before, even though I did have my times of yes, giving up because I needed the break from sheer mental, physical and emotional exhaustion from trying to hold it all together and control things I couldn’t and shouldn’t have controlled.

At some point, yes, I said that if he was not willing to do the one thing I asked him to do to help us find solutions to problems that had been and continue to be the exact same problems wrapped up in different topics at times, but always the same core issues at the heart of it, by going to marriage/couple’s counseling with me to have someone unbiased helping us mediate and learn to communicate the difficult things instead of being so abusive to each other, then there really was no marriage and I wanted a divorce.

My asking and stating what my deal breaker was has never been done by manipulation and stated multiple times before I filed for divorce, even documented and saved electronically.  I tried…yet the fear and guilt of losing the one true thing I always wanted, a real family that stuck together, is what kept me in the habit for so long.  No matter how bad it got and how I didn’t want to be married to my husband any longer, I wanted the family unit together as much as I wanted to breathe, though as I let certain distractions in life to over take me, I began to realize that, in the silence, the reality was that I focused so much on saving my marriage and trying to cling to a family, that I didn’t pay attention to the fact that I was on a path of destroying it in some very unseen ways.

It was then that I knew I needed to change directions and focus on what the reality was, which all seemed to have really come to a head when our daughter was in the hospital for 5 days being evaluated for failure to thrive.  Those 5 days put my whole world on it’s side, and I knew, without any shred of doubt, that it was time for me to do some serious soul searching if I was going to give our children a healthier life than what I had.  I began my journey there, and it is hardly over yet, with even more to be learned as I continue to move forward from the past I let get out of control by trying to avoid it instead of dealing with it in a healthy way.

 

A Bitter Reality

December 13, 2012


First song that sets the backdrop for this part of my life has got to be “Narcissistic Cannibal” by Korn, with the raw and deep emotions in not only the tone of the voice, but in the message it actually conveys within the lyrics. This applies to a few people in my life only and things I keep in my life when I probably shouldn’t let some things just continue to be status quo…

“Don’t wanna be sly and defile you
Desecrate my mind and rely on you
I just wanna break this crown
But it’s hard when I’m so run down…”

I truly am run down from trying to maintain a status that flexes to and fro, with hidden expectations that turned to resentments, between someone who is to never to break a promise yet striving for perfection, and the most vile person that quits when they promised they never would. I want to stop wearing this invisible crown that changes on a dime, and I never know what will be blamed once I started to rely so much on you. My mind has been ravaged in ways that cannot begin to be told, sending it bouncing to extremes from one end of the pole to the other.

“And you’re so cynical, Narcissistic Cannibal!
Got to bring myself back from the dead!…”

I have always been to blame for the problems, and he always wanted to be right, no matter what the actual cost was, and I accepted it for a time, being dragged away from who I was towards what I know was dead…my hopes and dreams of further education and exploration of life, with someone I would be honored to call a life partner, best friend, soul mate, lover, and maybe even husband…while helping them grow in whatever ways they may want.

“Sometimes, I hate, the life, I made
Everything’s wrong every time
Pushing on I can’t escape
Everything that comes my way
Is haunting me taking its sweet time
Holding on I’m lost in a haze
Fighting life to the end of my days…”

I hate that I let my life get this way. I rushed into something because I felt the hurt of an unspoken rejection. I was rescued right when I was close to both making it completely on my own and losing it all because of one wrong move fueled by good intentions. I took words at face value and chose to ignore behaviors that were abusive, and even fell victim to being the attacker, so I own up to making it worse, or at least not actively better. I take steps forward, seeking outside help, for I feel it’s taking so painstakingly long and I have these hurdles that keep popping up that I have to continue conquering to get to where I want to be and letting go of that toxicity because I won’t stop having dreams and goals just because of you.

“Don’t wanna be rude but I have to
Nothing’s good about the hell you put me through
I just need to look around
See that life that has come unbound…”

The Hell you put me through has some happy moments, sometimes as small as pebbles, some a bit larger like a smooth skipping stone, and only a couple large rocks, filed away in my mind, heart, and soul. The effects of adding other stones on top of those, as they were held to the limbo status, because of the fears you carried and I had to hold as well because you chose to deny them, tossing them behind you, not realizing they landed right in front of me in my path of you. I held my stone but dropped in pace behind you slightly. With each denial of the reality I spoke of, I added my own stones inside me so I could focus on moving the stones you kept laying in my path, trying desperately to be what you said I was, yet continually had more stones added in front of me you expected me to work a way around to find you again, so I eventually started tossing a few stones your way as well as I wore further and further down. Once the stones got to be too great for me to bear, I finally saw that for me to lose the burden I was carrying and tossing, I had to toss the stones a different way, whether it was knocking two stones together to break them into smaller and more manageable sizes or acknowledge the size that they are and toss them beside me to mark my path…

And now is where the next song in the backdrop of my life starts chiming in, “Breaking The Habit” by Linkin Park, which I will break down in my next entry, because I know I will break the habit that has taken over in direct as well as insidious ways, and not only survive, but also thrive, even if only emotionally…

Not What It Seems

August 29, 2011


Love and devotion
At times most inanimate
Cold silence filling the voids
Trembling with fear
Avoidance reigns on high
Reeking of desperation
If only to not make waves
Comfortable bliss in denial
Fantasies crumbling
Fairy tales disappear
Reality too painful
Accountability kept at bay
Losing it all slowly
Finding it inched away
Everyone else to blame
Nothing defined or set in stone
Lest a promise actually be broken
Belief in yourself non-existent
Yet praise is the goal most sought
Growing apart daily
Turning away outstretched hands
Sincere in hopes to travel the perilous road
While guiding and helping
Never seems to be good enough
Double standards as the set standard
Refusal to look in the mirror
Or refusal to move from the line
Control the ultimate high
Respecting fear
Instead of commanding respect
Close minded views
Never to contemplate the other
No need for discussion
“Right” the gold among the copper
Self-pity and martyrdom
The tables turn once again
Mountains from mole hills
Brushing dust into a corner
Until mountains are made
Thin ice to skate
Emotionless and logical is professed
But logic is instantly struck down by emotion instead
Afraid of being alone
Others in company swimming in loneliness
Oblivion taking shape
Daggers of buried pain
Rip apart the fabric
Disappointment falling to the Earth
Drama of extremes
Silent films
Yet screaming horrors
Filling most days
Peaceful melodies only in slumber
Deafening noise in wake
Believe what you may
Though tomorrow it may all go away

©Ami May 2011

More Emotional Waves

August 9, 2011


Finding something I wasn’t really even looking for still amazes me today.  While I connect with some people, I didn’t know or couldn’t even imagine just how well, and deeply, I would connect with others.  It is because of these connections that give me serenity during the tough times.  It is the deep feelings that overwhelm me with joy and love manifested through those that accept me and find joy in being around me.  Strangely enough, I still find myself unable to speak at times and guard what I say, choosing my words carefully, trying to bring sense to what seems like chaos falling from my lips.

Part of me is not sure whether what is happening is real or fantasy, and while  I don’t want to read too much into things that are quite simple, I cannot deny what it is I really long to be reality, not just the perception of a fantasy never to materialize.

Sometimes…okay, well, a lot of times…it is hard for me to hear the words from those in my past that are, after time apart, now a current part of my life, and whom I hope to always have in my life.  Why does their hindsight almost make me cringe?  Why did they guard themselves so much that it ended up pushing me away for so long?

Ironic, isn’t it, that here I guard my words at times, and I seem to be chastising those that have done the same thing as me.  I don’t always intentionally guard what it is I truly think and feel, and I know without a doubt that some of it is conditioning from the sickness I have called marriage for a while.  Then again, I feel I let my actions speak the words I have had a hard time saying out loud.  So many times my mind thinks faster than my mouth allows, so words jumble, and it has, finally, become something I am comfortable with.

Of course, maybe it’s because I’ve been told for so long that actions speak louder than words.

I do believe that actions speak louder than words to an extent, and while I try to outwardly express what I feel deep inside by my actions, I still feel the words in conjunction with actions are the most genuine and true.

Why tell me now, years later, that I “was the one that got away” and that nobody has compared to me; that everyone else comes in 2nd place to me, yet never really saying that, let alone actually acting on it before?  Why let something like that slip away if it is what you truly believe?  Why does it feel as if those statements are only lip service after the fact?

It leaves me dumbfounded as a few have sworn these statements to me, yet all of them (with one exception) discarded me so easily and seemingly used me when I invited them back into my life.  Granted, I feel that only 1 honestly, and with deliberation, used me in this fashion, though the feelings of being taken advantage of, or even feelings of being taken for granted, have peppered the renewed and changed relationships.

Yes, they all swore they wanted to marry me, and some still swear they do, but I do not see what it is they want from me, especially in regards to a marriage.  Why would I marry anyone without a clear understanding of what a marriage means to them?  I made the mistake of not insisting on clear definitions and expectations of marriage once…which was a very hard lesson learned, indeed.

I can’t even begin to fully describe my thoughts on marriage now, other than to say a few poignant notions, whether some view them as silly or not, they are for me to believe and compromise on as each situation dictates…and when true honest communication allows for my pragmatic nature to flow freely.

I feel that hand written vows or promises are more important and meaningful, to me at least, than the “traditional” ones I spoke almost 14 years ago.  Then again, maybe it’s a bit of bitterness shining through as I reflect upon how certain traditional vows are used as a dogmatic form of manipulation and stipulation in an effort to exact control.  This, of course is without even including the possibility of the definitions and expectations being absolutely and honestly unrealistic to one, or both partners, especially if no true definition or explanation of what those words truly meant to each other was spoken prior to uttering the words of the promises in front of witnesses on the wedding day.  I truly feel that I am not the only person who has come to realize that so very often, and normally only after a breaking point is reached, that clarification from the partners of the marriage contract regarding what those words will lead to as far as expectations, and what, if any, “deal-breakers” would be included with each of those vows, should have been thoroughly discussed before that fate-filled, and quite often fairy-tale, day.

Unfortunately, my eyes are drooping at this moment, even though I have so much more to write, and I must continue riding this emotional wave on another day.


No, I’m not doing this the way most “normal” people think it should be done…so to Hell with what they feel is the “proper” way of handling a divorce…this is my life, and my soon to be ex-husband’s life, as well as our children’s lives, not theirs.

Since when did it become acceptable to tell others what “should be” done simply because that is what has been considered “the normal way”?  Why do some constantly ask specific dates of when things will be moving forward, as well as continually question what the next step will be when we haven’t even been able to communicate for years (hence the biggest reason for this dissolution of marriage), let alone discuss and come to compromises on one of  the greatest heartaches and senses of failure someone can deal with?

Since when did I ever truly follow what is seen as “normal”, anyway, and why would I chose to follow that path now all of a sudden?

When psychologists, psychiatrists, counselors, and self-help gurus cannot even seem to decide what is “normal” or “healthy”, why should I believe that what I have chosen to attempt would not work and be healthy?  I know what things I believe as harmful to my health and well-being, and even more-so for my children, so why not let me at least try what is a unique way of handling things and change directions when, and if, I see it going down the road of depravity and self-destruction?

Some of my motivation could be considered selfish or even simply stated as self-preservation.  While it can be construed that way, and there is some truth to it, there are many true altruistic reasons for the madness of this chaotic and self-reflective journey.

I am going through this blind, yet with eyes wide open and willing to change with the flowing tide in many ways…however, I know without a doubt that I cannot and will not back down from this exceptionally terrifying and exhilarating adventure that is probably long overdue…for both of us.