I am at the beginning stages of trying to refinance my house, as part of my divorce settlement that was awarded in November of 2013, and I am finding it very hard not to be both positive about the experience as well as nervous and doubtful that this huge personal achievement will come to pass within the next month as I had hoped.  Anxiety about the possibility of my home not being assessed at a high enough value to be able to refinance yet has definitely been creeping in as I reflect on the time I tried to refinance as soon as my divorce was awarded, though I am trying to rationalize the thoughts as trying to keep myself grounded in reality, in case things happened as they did before, and hope that my anxiety is not a form of self-sabotage or the negative version of the Law of Attraction that will garner me the results that I truly hope do not repeat from my last experience.

I have sacrificed a lot to get where I am at and feel proud of my accomplishments, yet there is a part of me that seems to be feeling quite a bit of shame in feeling proud, as if I need to ensure I’m not so confident that I end being arrogant and feel completely defeated if I need more time to unlock the life achievement that I’ve taken great care to try to unlock.  I know failing at this goal, at this time, will not break me completely, though the reality of pushing the goal off to a different time frame, again, will have some ramifications that I’d rather avoid, including pushing off the extra things that I would like to give to my children.

My children have everything they need; a roof over their head, utilities, food, and even clothing, though there is so much more I would like to be able to give them.  I would love to be able to take them traveling and experience places that I was blessed to be able to experience, just for starters, though the luxuries I seem to be denying them that their peers have been afforded are lower on my priority list until I can get past this hurdle of refinancing my house.  That is a concept I have tried to explain to my children after every “…but everyone else…” and “We don’t get anything…” comment is made; we have to sacrifice now so I can get to a point of budgeting in those luxuries and maintain the home we have as well, and it is a promise I made in the dissolution of my marriage to their father.  I have to legally keep this promise before I can focus on giving them any of the things they want that are over and above what they need to survive, which can be a difficult concept to explain without sounding as if I am being selfish, especially when I am at a point in life that I refuse to go into debt to put my children first outside of their immediate needs.

I was heartbroken when, after my 4th attempt at filing for divorce and it finally being granted (doing things pro se 3 times previously just didn’t work out; the judges would not grant our mutually agreed upon settlement – a point I can see both sides of, begrudgingly), I immediately sought to refinance the house as my ex-husband and I agreed upon and was told I needed to pay off about another $10,000 in debt before I could refinance. The mortgage and equity loan were the last items that I needed to remove his name from as far as jointly owned/responsible accounts, and the sooner I could get that accomplished, the better, as there was always tension when it came to finances between us that would lead to closure and less to argue about if it could be done as soon as possible.  It was frustrating to tell the mortgage banker that I already had a loan against my 401K account (which was used to help pay off the extra $6,500 in credit card debt I had agreed to take on), and had no family to lean on for such a loan, and realizing that any personal loan would not get me any closer if I used money from such a loan to pay down the outstanding equity loan balance.

I felt completely devastated at the news, since I could afford the house payments on my own, which unfortunately was part of the problem in our marriage that, I believe, made him feel so emasculated (in addition to the resulting affair I ended up having), and with the way I had evolved my finances over the years and my length of employment with the same company, I had agreed to take on the house mortgage on my own, as well as the home equity loan we had against that, and even his half of some credit card debt that we had obtained over the years, in lieu of him receiving half of my 401K retirement balance.  Needless to say, my ex-husband actually got a pretty good deal, even though I was not giving him half of the equity in the house, or “buying him out”, since our house had fallen into disarray and with the amount of the equity loan, there was no true equity that I could give.

The devastation of hearing that reality, however, pushed me even harder to reach the goal of being able to refinance our house and be able to truly own the house on my own.  I had a goal, which I told my ex-husband about before we even got married, that I wanted to own a house by the time I was 30.  Due to the fact that he wanted to own a home before we had children, which he knew from the start that I wanted early for medical and selfish reasons of the ability to enjoy and be actively involved in being a mother, I was able to sign the mortgage to the house with him just before I turned 20 (in large part because of his VA status which equated to no money down and no private mortgage insurance required on the original loan), and also stepped across the stage to receive my GED in the same month.

December of 1999…talk about a time in my life that I will never forget.  It’s a time in my life I never want to forget in many ways, though in so many I wish I could forget, as I had crawled back from a dark hole that started roughly in May of 1996 (when I should have graduated high school instead of dropping out in January to move from Texas to Nebraska) when I was completely and utterly alone in a state where I had no family and friends and was taken advantage of in so man ways, and hit basically rock bottom at the end of January in 1997, emotionally and financially.  I am sure I could, and most likely will, write more about that time in my life in other posts, though right now, it reminds me that while I had some help emotionally and even a little help financially, I really am the one that got myself out of the pit of despair I was in; I knew what I needed to do and was blessed to receive some  motivation in ways, though what I did was more my determination than anyone seemed to give me credit for (or demanded that I acknowledge that if it weren’t for some help I would never be where I am now; a faulty logic that history can prove the fallacy of).

Since November 2013, I have successfully paid off my attorney’s fees (roughly $2,000) and paid off $3,000 of my mortgage principal, as well as just under $9,000 of my equity loan principal.  All I can do at this point is hope that when my house is appraised soon, that the value has not gone down enough to not be able to complete the refinance process this time, especially when I’ve succeeded in doing what I’ve done so far, with very little to almost no help from anyone else in my life.

I am looking forward to, yet very nervous about, finally unlocking the achievements I have, and this one is the 2nd one of the most daunting I have taken on in my life so far…the first was getting through my divorce, which I had never thought I would do, nor had even a thought of it being an achievement…initially.


I feel like whining to match all of the petty things that have been happening to me over the last week, as it has dwindled my self esteem down to the bare minimum, and this seems to be a better alternative to letting my emotions getting the best of me and acting out in a way that I know I shouldn’t.  I am not sure where to even start, though I think the last few times of being a mother to my children today has just left me feeling as if I have no clue why others have such little respect for me, and if the cliche is correct, then I’ve done a piss poor job of teaching others how to respect me.

I’m told I yell too much.  I’m told I cuss too much.  I’m told I’m an awful parent when I let my frustrations get the best of me and call my children brats and spoiled.  I’m told that I talk and explain too much.  I’m told that what I say isn’t relevant to a current discussion.  I’m told that sharing my experiences to help teach a way that, hopefully, won’t lead to as many problems as I had, is talking shit if I mention people that shared the experience with me.

Unfortunately, when I don’t yell, cuss, or do other things that people criticize and put me down for as a downfall like I mentioned before, I am not taken seriously and people take advantage of me, including my own children.  It’s strange how I’m criticized for being too lenient and allow too many to take advantage of me, and when I put boundaries down, I’m told that I’m a bitch, cunt, mean, controlling, and other choice words or phrases that puts me back into a bad light.  I find it odd as to how many can see “others” are doing this to me and don’t like it, yet they, themselves, cannot seem to see how they are doing just the same and excuse it away.

I tend to hold a lot in and try not to criticize people.  I try to hide my hurt feelings and resentments, trying desperately to live and let live for as much as possible, though the pain of those criticisms and feelings of being taken for granted (if not advantage) of always seem to have a way of coming out in rages once my dam has burst, and I end up feeling as though I just don’t have any idea of what I’m doing.

One of the reasons I end up letting people take advantage of me is because it is so much easier than dealing with eye rolls, sighs, snapping back, and other disrespectful behaviors when I’m not yelling (showing signs of anger or rage and letting my emotions control my actions).  I just let people do what they do rather than confront them.  I’ve had too many bad experiences with that kind of confrontation, and frankly, there are some people and some times I honestly have fear that I will be harmed, so I steer clear as often as I can from saying anything critical or stating my boundaries and what I feel I deserve as far as respect and general treatment.

I know it isn’t healthy for me to be this way.  I know I deserve better treatment than I get a lot of the time.  I know that I should have boundaries and expect certain things from people.  I know the co-dependency I struggle with.

I logically know all this.

Unfortunately, having children and adults snap at me and act in a way that shows their frustration and annoyance with me when I place boundaries is just wearing me down and I find it harder and harder to not lash out and project my frustrations onto those I’m trying to speak to in a healthy way when they treat me in a way I find disrespectful.

I wish I knew how to parent all on my own so my children would respect me and do what I ask, let alone expect, without so much drama.  This wish, though, is not one I have kept to myself, nor have I left it to be subtle clues that my children should figure out, as I have discussed it multiple times directly with them, including in family therapy.

What I want, need, and expect are normally spoken quite frankly and upfront, whether it is to my children, to my boyfriend, or to my other family and friends, though I admit that I am not perfect at it and find myself, at times, being hurt because I had assumed an outcome instead of speaking it before the pain of being let down happens.

The times of feeling as if I will always be treated this way can be so draining and overwhelming, especially when, in all my life, I don’t think I have yet to meet anyone that knows, or is capable of, an actual healthy relationship that respects boundaries.  I have no clue where to meet people that would treat me with the respect I feel I deserve.  Then again, maybe I’ve met them, but have put my focus on other things and not taken the time to spend time with them.

I know I’m probably over-thinking things, as I am prone to do, though it gets difficult not to do when I feel so worn down and like I am, for some reason, unworthy of what I find respectful, or that I just expect too much out of life and people.

Right now my boyfriend is playing a computer game that he said he wouldn’t be playing “much longer”, and I don’t expect him to stop for at least another hour, even though it’s been an hour since he said that to me.  I dare not ask any questions, for if I do, our history has shown that he’ll snap at me and assume I’m upset with him playing and possibly even stay up all night playing just to spite my inquisition.  I think I have a right to be annoyed, especially when I’ve flat out told him that I would initiate physical intimacy more if I knew I could interrupt his game playing without reproach that makes me feel like I’m not worth his time (I have a long history with my ex-husband on playing games to add to this insecurity), just for starters, though I choose to just assume that his time frame and mine are about 2-3 hours different and won’t do anything and push my emotions aside (hopefully) enough to just go to sleep and let him be.

I’ve had too much drama for me to even think of asking him to join me in bed to cuddle/snuggle, especially when I’ve gotten so much drama for not letting my kids do what they like to do, and tried to talk to them too much about boundaries and expectations today.  I’m just too worn out to care much…

I’m ready for some cheese…maybe a glass of wine…and call it a night.

Where The Truth Lies

June 5, 2012


Where The Truth Lies

Keep me grounded in reality,
Don’t pull me along a rainbow
Chasing a pot of gold non-existent;
I wonder if this life could be so hollow.
The times our bodies met with true passion,
Powerfully honest and profound;
Only to me it may actually be
And it may have simply been my heart’s sound.
Tell me how insane I must have been
To feel and see your cloak drop
If only for a small moment.
While my heart did not stop,
I opened further to full accept what you offered.
Tell me it was all just dreams.
Tell me I don’t know you that well.
Tell me it is not as it seems.
Keep me at bay for as long as you like,
Though tell me once more
How to tell which of your words are actually lies,
So I can stop my soul from being so sore.
Tell me I did not see the truth,
The truth you try so hard to hide;
How comfortable you can be when you give in
To your honest and heartfelt emotional side.
Fears of what could be the actual truth of it all,
Seem to melt in those moments I see
Making you question what you swore to hold in concrete,
So tell me again just how crazy I must be.

©Ami May 2012

Just Savor the Moment

August 1, 2011


It’s so hard to breath…and I gasp…breathless…ecstatic…yet nervous…and scared…becoming completely overwhelmed…by mutual feelings of trust…passion…and love…

I am simply amazed at how deeply some words could touch, penetrate and pierce me as they continue to envelope my soul.  I was confident in the knowledge that while I knew the similar statements had been true days, weeks and months before, the words that night had felt of something that burned deep within, and until that night had been so deeply guarded.  I knew without a doubt that, while the melting of the façade would only be for this night and a cool detachment was sure to follow, I would not fall prey to fairy tale stories.

I had been very guarded so many times, showing glimpses of my soul less times than he probably really would believe me admitting to.  I knew the rules of the game, some before spoken aloud, while others were only found by accidentally crossing the lines of comfort, though none worth leaving patience behind.  I’ve learned to read him, though at times, when he always seems to ask the deep questions I do not want to answer, I feel nervous and lose my words, or maybe even revel in the possibility that it is a way to dodge breaking down my walls and asking the same in return.

At times, I feel as though I specifically chose a way to answer those deep questions so as to lead credence to the possibility that I might just be a bit on the overtly over-analytical side and emotionally unstable.  I do not feel I do it purposely for that reason, though I can’t help but question whether it is in the realm of reality to see this as a subconscious defect, or even a type of defense mechanism.

He saw me open up that night in a way he has probably never seen before.  What started out as light conversation led to noticing him intently listening to something I was talking about.  For some reason, in that moment, I saw an excitement and sense of pride, as well as true joy, that I had not at least taken notice of before.  I had seen him opening himself to me and over the course of our time together, seeing that side of him allowed me to feel I could comfortably fall into abandon and break down some of my walls as well.

While it may not be something that can easily be understood completely and I feel it is hard to explain in words, I allowed myself to be vulnerable to him in a way that left me completely naked and anxious for the lashes of mockery to befall my soul.  I finally allowed myself to trust him completely and, as I teased him in a way I very seldom do, I felt myself fall further at ease and contentment and no longer was I twitching in nervous anticipation of ridicule.

I heard many things that night, which culminated in one statement now seared in my brain forever…both realistically and romantically…though more difficult than any other to not lean towards a romantic version of the meaning…

“This feels so right…it feels…like home…”

Please do not question me too much on this, for I just want to forever savor the moment…