I am at the beginning stages of trying to refinance my house, as part of my divorce settlement that was awarded in November of 2013, and I am finding it very hard not to be both positive about the experience as well as nervous and doubtful that this huge personal achievement will come to pass within the next month as I had hoped.  Anxiety about the possibility of my home not being assessed at a high enough value to be able to refinance yet has definitely been creeping in as I reflect on the time I tried to refinance as soon as my divorce was awarded, though I am trying to rationalize the thoughts as trying to keep myself grounded in reality, in case things happened as they did before, and hope that my anxiety is not a form of self-sabotage or the negative version of the Law of Attraction that will garner me the results that I truly hope do not repeat from my last experience.

I have sacrificed a lot to get where I am at and feel proud of my accomplishments, yet there is a part of me that seems to be feeling quite a bit of shame in feeling proud, as if I need to ensure I’m not so confident that I end being arrogant and feel completely defeated if I need more time to unlock the life achievement that I’ve taken great care to try to unlock.  I know failing at this goal, at this time, will not break me completely, though the reality of pushing the goal off to a different time frame, again, will have some ramifications that I’d rather avoid, including pushing off the extra things that I would like to give to my children.

My children have everything they need; a roof over their head, utilities, food, and even clothing, though there is so much more I would like to be able to give them.  I would love to be able to take them traveling and experience places that I was blessed to be able to experience, just for starters, though the luxuries I seem to be denying them that their peers have been afforded are lower on my priority list until I can get past this hurdle of refinancing my house.  That is a concept I have tried to explain to my children after every “…but everyone else…” and “We don’t get anything…” comment is made; we have to sacrifice now so I can get to a point of budgeting in those luxuries and maintain the home we have as well, and it is a promise I made in the dissolution of my marriage to their father.  I have to legally keep this promise before I can focus on giving them any of the things they want that are over and above what they need to survive, which can be a difficult concept to explain without sounding as if I am being selfish, especially when I am at a point in life that I refuse to go into debt to put my children first outside of their immediate needs.

I was heartbroken when, after my 4th attempt at filing for divorce and it finally being granted (doing things pro se 3 times previously just didn’t work out; the judges would not grant our mutually agreed upon settlement – a point I can see both sides of, begrudgingly), I immediately sought to refinance the house as my ex-husband and I agreed upon and was told I needed to pay off about another $10,000 in debt before I could refinance. The mortgage and equity loan were the last items that I needed to remove his name from as far as jointly owned/responsible accounts, and the sooner I could get that accomplished, the better, as there was always tension when it came to finances between us that would lead to closure and less to argue about if it could be done as soon as possible.  It was frustrating to tell the mortgage banker that I already had a loan against my 401K account (which was used to help pay off the extra $6,500 in credit card debt I had agreed to take on), and had no family to lean on for such a loan, and realizing that any personal loan would not get me any closer if I used money from such a loan to pay down the outstanding equity loan balance.

I felt completely devastated at the news, since I could afford the house payments on my own, which unfortunately was part of the problem in our marriage that, I believe, made him feel so emasculated (in addition to the resulting affair I ended up having), and with the way I had evolved my finances over the years and my length of employment with the same company, I had agreed to take on the house mortgage on my own, as well as the home equity loan we had against that, and even his half of some credit card debt that we had obtained over the years, in lieu of him receiving half of my 401K retirement balance.  Needless to say, my ex-husband actually got a pretty good deal, even though I was not giving him half of the equity in the house, or “buying him out”, since our house had fallen into disarray and with the amount of the equity loan, there was no true equity that I could give.

The devastation of hearing that reality, however, pushed me even harder to reach the goal of being able to refinance our house and be able to truly own the house on my own.  I had a goal, which I told my ex-husband about before we even got married, that I wanted to own a house by the time I was 30.  Due to the fact that he wanted to own a home before we had children, which he knew from the start that I wanted early for medical and selfish reasons of the ability to enjoy and be actively involved in being a mother, I was able to sign the mortgage to the house with him just before I turned 20 (in large part because of his VA status which equated to no money down and no private mortgage insurance required on the original loan), and also stepped across the stage to receive my GED in the same month.

December of 1999…talk about a time in my life that I will never forget.  It’s a time in my life I never want to forget in many ways, though in so many I wish I could forget, as I had crawled back from a dark hole that started roughly in May of 1996 (when I should have graduated high school instead of dropping out in January to move from Texas to Nebraska) when I was completely and utterly alone in a state where I had no family and friends and was taken advantage of in so man ways, and hit basically rock bottom at the end of January in 1997, emotionally and financially.  I am sure I could, and most likely will, write more about that time in my life in other posts, though right now, it reminds me that while I had some help emotionally and even a little help financially, I really am the one that got myself out of the pit of despair I was in; I knew what I needed to do and was blessed to receive some  motivation in ways, though what I did was more my determination than anyone seemed to give me credit for (or demanded that I acknowledge that if it weren’t for some help I would never be where I am now; a faulty logic that history can prove the fallacy of).

Since November 2013, I have successfully paid off my attorney’s fees (roughly $2,000) and paid off $3,000 of my mortgage principal, as well as just under $9,000 of my equity loan principal.  All I can do at this point is hope that when my house is appraised soon, that the value has not gone down enough to not be able to complete the refinance process this time, especially when I’ve succeeded in doing what I’ve done so far, with very little to almost no help from anyone else in my life.

I am looking forward to, yet very nervous about, finally unlocking the achievements I have, and this one is the 2nd one of the most daunting I have taken on in my life so far…the first was getting through my divorce, which I had never thought I would do, nor had even a thought of it being an achievement…initially.

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I feel like whining to match all of the petty things that have been happening to me over the last week, as it has dwindled my self esteem down to the bare minimum, and this seems to be a better alternative to letting my emotions getting the best of me and acting out in a way that I know I shouldn’t.  I am not sure where to even start, though I think the last few times of being a mother to my children today has just left me feeling as if I have no clue why others have such little respect for me, and if the cliche is correct, then I’ve done a piss poor job of teaching others how to respect me.

I’m told I yell too much.  I’m told I cuss too much.  I’m told I’m an awful parent when I let my frustrations get the best of me and call my children brats and spoiled.  I’m told that I talk and explain too much.  I’m told that what I say isn’t relevant to a current discussion.  I’m told that sharing my experiences to help teach a way that, hopefully, won’t lead to as many problems as I had, is talking shit if I mention people that shared the experience with me.

Unfortunately, when I don’t yell, cuss, or do other things that people criticize and put me down for as a downfall like I mentioned before, I am not taken seriously and people take advantage of me, including my own children.  It’s strange how I’m criticized for being too lenient and allow too many to take advantage of me, and when I put boundaries down, I’m told that I’m a bitch, cunt, mean, controlling, and other choice words or phrases that puts me back into a bad light.  I find it odd as to how many can see “others” are doing this to me and don’t like it, yet they, themselves, cannot seem to see how they are doing just the same and excuse it away.

I tend to hold a lot in and try not to criticize people.  I try to hide my hurt feelings and resentments, trying desperately to live and let live for as much as possible, though the pain of those criticisms and feelings of being taken for granted (if not advantage) of always seem to have a way of coming out in rages once my dam has burst, and I end up feeling as though I just don’t have any idea of what I’m doing.

One of the reasons I end up letting people take advantage of me is because it is so much easier than dealing with eye rolls, sighs, snapping back, and other disrespectful behaviors when I’m not yelling (showing signs of anger or rage and letting my emotions control my actions).  I just let people do what they do rather than confront them.  I’ve had too many bad experiences with that kind of confrontation, and frankly, there are some people and some times I honestly have fear that I will be harmed, so I steer clear as often as I can from saying anything critical or stating my boundaries and what I feel I deserve as far as respect and general treatment.

I know it isn’t healthy for me to be this way.  I know I deserve better treatment than I get a lot of the time.  I know that I should have boundaries and expect certain things from people.  I know the co-dependency I struggle with.

I logically know all this.

Unfortunately, having children and adults snap at me and act in a way that shows their frustration and annoyance with me when I place boundaries is just wearing me down and I find it harder and harder to not lash out and project my frustrations onto those I’m trying to speak to in a healthy way when they treat me in a way I find disrespectful.

I wish I knew how to parent all on my own so my children would respect me and do what I ask, let alone expect, without so much drama.  This wish, though, is not one I have kept to myself, nor have I left it to be subtle clues that my children should figure out, as I have discussed it multiple times directly with them, including in family therapy.

What I want, need, and expect are normally spoken quite frankly and upfront, whether it is to my children, to my boyfriend, or to my other family and friends, though I admit that I am not perfect at it and find myself, at times, being hurt because I had assumed an outcome instead of speaking it before the pain of being let down happens.

The times of feeling as if I will always be treated this way can be so draining and overwhelming, especially when, in all my life, I don’t think I have yet to meet anyone that knows, or is capable of, an actual healthy relationship that respects boundaries.  I have no clue where to meet people that would treat me with the respect I feel I deserve.  Then again, maybe I’ve met them, but have put my focus on other things and not taken the time to spend time with them.

I know I’m probably over-thinking things, as I am prone to do, though it gets difficult not to do when I feel so worn down and like I am, for some reason, unworthy of what I find respectful, or that I just expect too much out of life and people.

Right now my boyfriend is playing a computer game that he said he wouldn’t be playing “much longer”, and I don’t expect him to stop for at least another hour, even though it’s been an hour since he said that to me.  I dare not ask any questions, for if I do, our history has shown that he’ll snap at me and assume I’m upset with him playing and possibly even stay up all night playing just to spite my inquisition.  I think I have a right to be annoyed, especially when I’ve flat out told him that I would initiate physical intimacy more if I knew I could interrupt his game playing without reproach that makes me feel like I’m not worth his time (I have a long history with my ex-husband on playing games to add to this insecurity), just for starters, though I choose to just assume that his time frame and mine are about 2-3 hours different and won’t do anything and push my emotions aside (hopefully) enough to just go to sleep and let him be.

I’ve had too much drama for me to even think of asking him to join me in bed to cuddle/snuggle, especially when I’ve gotten so much drama for not letting my kids do what they like to do, and tried to talk to them too much about boundaries and expectations today.  I’m just too worn out to care much…

I’m ready for some cheese…maybe a glass of wine…and call it a night.


I cannot seem to get his words out of my head for very long, before some new circumstance or discussion drags the bones from the grave and I repeat the process all over again; optimism, criticism, avoidance, pain, anger, sorrow, apologetic, guilt, and forgiveness, as well as denial thrown in to cause more confusion.

The first thing that hit me very hard was an emotional night around each other, discussing things that were painful, and I asked about his potential new love interest that had been a topic of discussion off and on for the previous year or so.  I thought his facial expression belied a profession of nothing had gone on other than “hanging out”, though the possibility of an intimate encounter had been offered, yet I let it pass without pressing further.  I just had a feeling that he wasn’t being totally honest with me, which is something I have emphatically stated as something I needed in my life multiple times over the years, but especially within the last 2 or 3, certainly.

Then there wasn’t much said until I sent a joke to lighten the mood that had been brewing horribly for a while, and it ended up actually being a reality, when it wasn’t intended to be. That might have been my manipulative tactic back due to some statements I had felt were guilt inducing and manipulative he stated previously within the previous weeks that I did not deal with at the time, including asking about me taking our children on his custody time in a way that, if I said no, would possibly come across or used in a way to state that I was saying no because I didn’t care about our children or some other form of twisting reality, and I wasn’t going to continue that game. I’m not sure if that was really the reason, though due to the emotions I had openly shared to him in one way or another, I can see how it was, even though it was not meant to be anything other than sharing my honest thoughts about the current situation.

Then there was the next day where my brain had seemed to soften it’s bitterly cold grip of my heart, feeling that maybe some of his resentment towards me had begun to melt just a little bit and just a bit safer to be who I really am as a person towards him.  Another joke to lighten an emotional statement of appreciation for something other than his icy demeanor, as of late, and the door seemed to open just a little bit more, even if only a centimeter or two.  I made the mistake of grabbing onto that just enough to let other things affect me just a bit too much.

I then received an unexpected message when he knew I was finally out socializing for the first time in weeks, taking a break from working non-stop on things around me that seemed to be reminders of the ghost I seemed to be surrounded by, even though the presence wasn’t of someone dead.  I did not do it to hurt him, as far as changing things and cleaning things that had been neglected for many years, though it was for other reasons, one of which included purging some resentment I had that was originally brought about by the guilt he laid on me for so long.  His message was one that seemed sincere and he genuinely was reaching out to me.  Then his jealousy came through, yet again, and I received another manipulative message that he wished he had such a large social circle to engage with and flirted suggestively that I could return home to get attention from him.  I should have ignored it, though I didn’t, and commented that having a large social circle really wasn’t what it seemed like it would be cracked up to be.  I used an analogy that I’d rather run around with 4 quarters in my pocket, rather than 100 pennies, as if these represented the number of friends that give me, metaphorically speaking, the same amount of attention in the end.

The next day he contacted me again, asking a question that baited me into answering whether or not I made it home at all the night before, or whether I had stayed somewhere else and couldn’t answer his question honestly.  I admitted that I had not gotten home yet when I answered him, and he sounded dejected and said he didn’t figure on the fact that I might not be back home the previous night. I know his reactions of disappointment hit me when, a few hours later, I found myself sending him a picture of a neat picture of a flaming skull, the background was red, the skull faded with the background so all you really see are the black voids of a skull, and yellow hued flames dancing on it.  His statement, after an admission of the picture being very cool, was one which he would consider, if I said it now as he did, as manipulative and guilt inducing.

“It’s too bad that’s how you see me sometimes…”

I knew it was manipulation, though I thought I would play along in a way, just to keep some peace even though I knew I was enabling and playing the codependent part again. He fails to remember, or doesn’t accept as the case may be, the reality that he is just as manipulative as me, and we have this abusive habit that I am desperately trying to break free from.  I’m tired of the habit…

I am ready to change this part of me, because it is too unhealthy for not only me, but our children as well, and I cannot teach them how to be healthy if I continue down a path of holding onto such unhealthy habits, which will be passed down to them.  I choose to learn how to do things differently, because I will not be a slave to any label, when I know that I don’t like how I am as a person because of that label.  I do not have to be “too independent” or “too set in my ways” or “too codependent” or “too emotional” or “too serious” or “too anything” if I choose to not be one extreme or the other and strive for balance and maintaining health, instead of throwing it away because I would rather live in the comfort of not trying, because of the fear of failure or not doing something perfectly.

 

The Game We Played

February 14, 2012


The Game We Played

You know what you had
Yet never took action
You took it for granted
Throw me away
Toss me aside
It always makes
You feel better
To see when I hate
Your self-righteous noises
Curdle inside me
Your smooth words
Can settle a storm
Though I hate the game
You so often thrust me in to
Never wishing to sacrifice
Feeling you are entitled
Forcing me to do
The very things you loathe
Watching me suffer
Then salt you do pour
Into mockery and disdain
Expecting yet even more
My soul escaped me
Shriveled and used
I left you alone
Searching for so much more
Now that you lost me
You cannot seem to bear
What your life will become
Through the grudges I held
Love has never died
Though for now
It is you that must see
What you resented
Turning into what you
Always truly wanted
And honestly respected.

©Ami May 2012


It was about 5 months ago now that my closest male friend, someone I deeply care about and love, had a life changing event occur that in turn also brought about some life changes of my own, even in the process of my life changes and soul-searching that were already in progress.  While these events occurred and made me re-evaluate some things in my life, admit to others, and possibly even deny yet some other things, I accepted how my life was progressing and moving and actively going along with the changing tide with an open mind and heart.

As my friend, whom I will call “Wolf” for the purpose of this entry, was facing a realization of events that lead to him considering himself an alcoholic, I was putting myself into a position of being a support system that thrust me into some serious introspection.  As this event began to unfold, I had emotions rise to the surface that I could not explain, and I cannot seem to explain things even now.  I do not think I can forget the night when the first introspective moment hit me like a ton of bricks and a wave of emotions flooded over me that felt like I was seriously in trouble of drowning and I was disoriented.

The night started out with friends playing a few rounds of poker, and while it caught me as a bit “odd” in retrospect that I took notice of something that night that I had not taken real notice of before, I cannot deny that I did actually notice it.  I had a bit of a protective feeling towards Wolf that night that I had not felt before.  It wasn’t a possessive feeling, or one of judgement, or even one of criticism.  It was just a strange feeling of taking notice of the drinks he was consuming and then having an overwhelming feeling of “this isn’t like him” and a general feeling of wanting to reach out but not really knowing in what way.  I can almost guarantee that it was because of this feeling that I asked to try one of the drinks he had, which I rarely do, almost as if I needed to take one to keep him from drinking it.

Wolf can take care of himself, don’t get me wrong, which is why the feelings of anxiety and protective instincts felt so out-of-place for me.  I did not dwell on it, though, nor did I try to analyze those feelings right then and simply continued on with the fun night.  When Wolf lost his chips and was taken out of the game, he left, and I was left with a feeling in the pit of my stomach that, yet again, “this isn’t like him” by his reactions and I just couldn’t seem to figure out why I felt that way.  I had a sense of concern that seemed to come from no where in particular, and while I was nervous about showing my concern, out of a fear that my actions or statements would somehow belie that it was a genuine concern that I could not explain, even though I trusted Wolf with every fiber of my being, I tried as hard as I could to figure out a way to express my concern without seeming overwhelming, clingy or controlling.  Looking back, all I can do is admit to my very apparent “codependent” way of seeking to handle it, though I despise actually admitting to that, as the term codependent has such a negative connotation and almost every single compassionate action or statement of concern can be twisted into this sickness of codependency.  I did try to contact him later and ensure that things were okay, and after a reassurance that he was okay and decided to go out somewhere else, I resumed the night, which ended when I finally got home and went to bed about 3:00 in the morning.

I had just fallen into a deep sleep after still not being able to shake a strange feeling deep in my soul, that I continually tried to ignore and not analyze, when my phone rang somewhere around 5:00 am.  I looked at my phone to see that it was Wolf calling, so I answered it, not knowing why he would be calling me at such an hour.  Why I actually answered at that time, I have no idea, as I had not taken calls from him from time to time due to what else was going on in my life at those moments, but I did answer for some reason.  When I answered, the phone call broke up before I could hear much from him, so when the call got disconnected, I sent him a text message to make sure everything was okay.  I had not quite finished the text message yet, and he called again, so I answered, and this time, my heart fell to the pit of my stomach.  Though the reception was poor, I heard Wolf state quickly that he was in jail as he had been picked up for a DUI, had nobody else to call, and asked if I could come and bail him out.

My mind could barely focus and I was overwhelmed with conflicting emotions.  I was trying to stay calm and logical, trying to figure out where I could come up with the money needed to get him out of jail, all while fending off tears, hearing that nagging lump in my stomach telling me that maybe, just maybe, my earlier intuition had been right to listen to, and listening to him trying to tell me where he was at before the conversation was disconnected yet again.  I was exhausted and had only had a couple of hours of sleep, but Wolf called me because he needed help…he was asking for my help…and I could not bear to turn him away when he had not asked for my help in this way before.  There was something in his voice that kept me from denying him, even though the cost of helping him was great, in more ways than strictly monetary.

I told him that I would be there as soon as I could, pulled on some clothes, grabbed what I needed and jumped in my car and headed in the general direction of where he was.  I didn’t even know where the jail was, but from what Wolf told me, I knew it had to be somewhere close to where he lived, which was at least a 45 minute drive from my house.  I stopped at the first open gas station that had an ATM and tried to use my brand new credit card to take a cash advance of the money needed to bail him out.  After 3 attempts, I got back into my car and cried, as the transactions kept being denied for whatever reason that I was not fully aware of (I found out later that since it was the first time I tried to use my card and it was for a cash advance, they denied the request until it could be verified as not fraudulent).

My mind would not seem to slow down at that point, and I knew that while the drive would be a minimum of 45 minutes, that was 45 minutes too long for my brain to have competing thoughts racing at what seemed like a million miles an hour.  I grabbed my GPS and did a search for where the jail would most likely be and then let the voice guide me as I tried to pay attention to the road that was covered in a dense fog that barely had visibility of more than 2 feet.  My thoughts made it very difficult to concentrate, but I could not stop.

Was he in an accident and hurt someone because he had been drinking and driving?  How could he be so foolish?  Why didn’t he allow me to be there for him before this happened with his almost severe independence?  How was I going to come up with the money to bail him out of jail?  Was this a time when I should use “tough love” and let him suffer the consequences for his actions?  Why was I going to bail him out of jail when I wouldn’t have answered the phone for others in my life at that time of day, let alone left my home to travel almost an hour to rescue them from an inconvenient consequence of their own actions?  What in the Hell was I doing?  What did this say about how much I cared about him?

These were just some of the thousands of thoughts running through my mind, including guilt about times when I should not have been driving because of having too much to drink.  I also remembered feeling resentment that stemmed from an instance of being pulled over for not making a complete stop at a stop sign a few years earlier that left me feeling like the officer talking to me and giving me sobriety tests was trying to trick me in some way and how emotionally upset I was that he continually tried to coerce me into accepting that I needed a ride home instead of driving myself (which sure felt like entrapment, and I stood my ground when I knew from the sobriety tests, including breathalyzer, that I was well within limits and driving just fine, other than making the mistake of not stopping long enough at a stop sign on a back road).  I continued to drive, almost white knuckling the steering wheel, sobbing in bursts, but thanking a higher power that he was, in fact, okay and alive, while having a sensation of not knowing whether this was all just a horrible dream or reality.

Once I found the jail, I decided to try to find an ATM that was owned by my bank, knowing that I needed to pull out the maximum allowable cash withdrawal and it was going to be short-changing my mortgage payment and all my available cash in my wallet to get him out of jail.  I put the cash that spit out from the machine in my wallet and made my way to the entrance of the jail that was open 24 hours a day.  I opened the door to find a small hallway with no windows and an intercom system, so I pressed the button with knots in my stomach and my hands literally shaking to call someone and figure out what the heck I needed to do to try and end this nightmare.  A man answered and asked what I needed in a short but not completely rude tone, and I was frozen for a moment, as I had never in my 33 years ever bailed anyone out of jail and had no clue what the proper procedure really was.  I told him my name and proceeded to tell him that I was there to bail out an inmate, Wolf.  He responded in a way that left me feeling quite cold and questioning my own strength as he proclaimed that the computers were down so I could not bail Wolf out of jail at that time, so I needed to leave.  I remember asking how long it would take for the computers to be back up, thinking that maybe this was a scheduled outage for updates like most large companies do, and all he responded is that he didn’t know, so I would have to call in about an hour and check the status of whether or not Wolf could be released.

I turned around, walked out the door, and tears flooded my eyes while yet another set of conflicting emotions took over.  I was angry and hurt at the dismissal, let alone the apparent lack of empathy or courtesy the attendant had given to me through the cold and calculating intercom, and I began to think about how much of my time I was wasting to help Wolf.  I wanted to be back in my comfortable bed sleeping, not wasting at least yet another hour out of my day when there was no businesses open for me simply wander though and get lost in to bide my time.  I was left to simply wander in my own mind, which can be a scary thing for me, and if too much time is left aimlessly sifting through thoughts without any outlet, I feared I would become the emotional basket case psychotic woman who was weak and not able to handle difficult situations.  I would be a failure if I wasn’t able to hold it together and get this taken care of, yet there was honestly nothing around to help with finding that peace and strength for my soul, except to look within myself, acknowledge the feelings and move past them as best as I could.  I realized that this was going to be a test of my strength, though I wasn’t ready for it at this moment, even though I knew in my soul that I had no control of when and how this test was happening, and all I could do was to control my reactions to the best of my abilities.

I decided to go through a drive through and grab a few bites to eat, questioning why I was choosing to do that, as I certainly didn’t feel hungry at that exact moment, and then chastising myself for falling into the action of this, because if analyzed, it could be seen as an avoidance tactic of dealing with reality – an eating disorder where food is used as comfort and avoidance of dealing with troublesome emotions – but I realized after I took a bite of the food I ordered, I really wasn’t hungry and I wasn’t in the mood to eat.  In fact, this reaffirmed my sentiment that I had overcome using food to mask and soothe difficult emotions, at least at the moment of trying to deal with them, and I had moved to a place of being actually repulsed by food during my most emotional moments.  I saved what I did not eat, thinking that maybe Wolf would want it when he was finally able to be released.

I kept looking at the clock in my car, trying to wish the time to move faster, but it wouldn’t, and finally I called the jail after about 45 minutes, deciding I could not wait any longer to try to figure out what was going on with Wolf and when I would be able to get myself to a place where I could actually sleep.  The woman that answered the phone was much more helpful and courteous than than the man I dealt with inside the building, though I was told they still were not sure when the computer’s would be up and running to be available to release Wolf.  This was now becoming extremely annoying and I wanted to scream at the woman on the other end of the line, but I kept my cool, and was told that she would call me as soon as she knew anything more and asked me for my phone number so she could keep her promise.  Granted, I was a bit jaded and frustrated, but I politely gave her my phone number thinking that I was going to have to wait yet another eternity, and just felt exhausted by that point.  It was about 10 minutes later that I got a phone call, though I didn’t recognize the phone number, and answered the call.  I honestly can’t remember exactly what was said other than one poignant thing about Wolf that made me chuckle a bit and think to myself, “now this is how he really is”.  The woman that called me said that it was fine for me to come back to the jail, gain entrance, pay the bail fee, and let Wolf out, which is what he had made painfully obvious as what he wanted once he realized I would be able to get him released.  That was the Wolf I knew…

I entered the jail, yet again, and finally gained entrance where I met a woman who was behind glass that either seemed very genuine in wanting to help me, or extremely willing to finally let Wolf out so as to gain some sort of sanity back.  Wolf is not a jerk by any means, though just as I am at times, he can become very passionate in his feelings and crusades, which can create reactions from people that could be construed as possibly annoyed, if not offended, and while I couldn’t quite place where her reactions were on that scale of compassion or offense, I was simply relieved that one part of this nightmare was finally over.  Once I paid the bail fee and signed liability statements, I was told that I should go wait out in my car and that Wolf would be released and meet me outside when they could get his paperwork processed, which they said was their top priority at that point.  So I went out to my car to wait…again.

I don’t even remember how long I waited, but I will not forget how I saw him come out of the door in my rear view mirror, and when he opened the passenger side door and got in my car, all I could do was break down in tears.  The tears flowed from relief; release of anxiety, frustration, and love…a true unconditional love, as well as the realization that I would go through Hell with, or for, Wolf if he needed me to.  A romanticized notion in some regards, a codependent notion in others, but none of those really seem to fit as it was honestly, simply a moment of clarity as to just how deeply I loved and cared about Wolf, and how I just how far I would be willing to go to be a support for him and help him in life.  It was in that moment I realized just how much I was willing to be a true life partner…if he truly wanted me as a life partner.

He asked me why I was emotional at that moment, but I could not muster the words to answer him.  They were caught in my throat and with a million other thoughts running at the exact same time, I truly could not figure out how to explain why I was in tears.  I was not ashamed of my freely flowing expression of emotions, nor was I nervous about explaining them; I just could not put to words what I was feeling, because I tried and the words would not come, so I was silent for a moment and listened to him vent his frustrations at that moment.  I remember feeling an sense of pride, because even with his poor choice that led to this consequence, he was one of the strongest men I knew, while being one of the most sensitive men, and I also felt humbled beyond belief that he felt I was worthy enough to be in his life.

Writing it out that way seems to set me up for the critical remarks of simply being taken advantage of, being a doormat, being a slave, being too codependent, being an enabler, and every other unhealthy thing that could be placed on our relationship, but it certainly didn’t seem that way at the time.  Yes, I know, another “red flag” and one I actually noticed and took heed of, though again, in my soul, this was a true defining moment and a bit of a turning point in our relationship.  I had probably let him take advantage of me at times, though I never once gave up who I am at my core, or let him cross boundaries that I had placed due to very unhealthy relationships in the past.  I knew I had a much higher tolerance to others “taking advantage” of me, which for me is simply being compassionate and helping other people, especially if they have nobody else to turn to, though I have my own boundaries that I have placed and do not let people cross those, so I feel that I do know what is healthy for me and what is not.  He was not being unhealthy for me, nor were my reactions to this night unhealthy for me.  In fact, this seemed to bring about even stronger healthy bonds and boundaries, which makes sense when most of our true life changes come from some of the most painful times in our lives that test our limits, if not push our limits to new lengths that, in the end, create new limits.

As this part of the background of the new journey comes to close and the next part of the background is written, all I can do is thank my higher power for such an amazing person in my life.  Everyone has made an imprint in my life and helped change or shape who I am, and Wolf has been nothing short of a blessing, whom I am eternally grateful to have met.  I may not make as much of an imprint as he has for me, but I do know that Wolf loves me, and it is an honest love that burns deeper than simply a fairy tale romance from my perspective and feelings.  Where it goes, I am unsure, and only time will tell, though I do hope that this next journey I am about to take is something Wolf is prepared for me to take, as I have a feeling this will become a very defining moment for me, him, and what we consider as a definition for our relationship.

Wolf may decide that he truly wants me to take this journey, since it is not really about him in many ways and it is about me honestly, though I will not waste my time and will leave him behind if he has difficulty accepting that in at least one way, this is about him and his journeys and my efforts to understand and support his journeys.  If I see that I am investing too much of my time and energy into taking this journey, that is a little bit of a change of direction for me due to supporting and adapting to his own journey, without Wolf’s support and the ability to accept the risks and consequences of this next chapter, then I will painfully leave Wolf to make his quest individually and change my direction to ensure I don’t give more than I can risk losing…including the risk of losing myself.