Insane Epiphany

August 7, 2012


 

I have been very troubled by my friendship with Wolf lately, and it seems to have gone through some difficult times that neither of us really want at this time.  I was recently asked by Wolf when I thought things began to go downhill, or why, as there had to be some other explanation than we had gotten better at communicating with each other.  I had no answer for him, and it was a question that had been bothering me for quite some time, actually.  As I was discussing some passing thoughts with another friend recently, a thought hit me like a ton of bricks.  It seemed so insane at the time, yet it seems to at least be the most plausible explanation of things between us.  I honestly have no clue when, or if, I will share these thoughts with Wolf, as the very notion of this theory will be seen as unwanted, and goes against everything he, especially, holds as his “values” at this point in his life.

 

Wolf and I got very close about this time last year for various reasons, and grew even closer throughout the beginning stages of his DUI, and what I thought were, the final stages of finalizing my divorce.  Sometime around Thanksgiving was when I saw some small things that gave me pause to question as to why it felt like I couldn’t be “me” anymore around him, and even more so as Christmas drew near.  The final nail in the coffin was placed sometime around New Year’s, or shortly after, as I felt completely awkward, suddenly scared to be relaxed around him.  I felt like I was beginning to second guess things I said to him, feeling criticized and guilty of being/feeling so much more critical of Wolf.  I began to see some changes within Wolf that were absolutely wonderful to see, also gave me a feeling of Wolf not being a safe person in my life.  That left me feeling very anxious, and several insecurities came to the surface that I hadn’t felt in a very long time with him, or any other male friend in a very long time.  I began to take criticisms personally and decided to take some time to do some soul-searching, yet I could not pin point why I felt so uneasy around him.  I began to see a side of him that seemed to mistrust me for reasons I could not begin to know or understand.

 

I have attributed a lot of these changes to the fact that Wolf is on probation, and has been completely sober from the “things” that got him into trouble, and the DUI.  This was the first time in a long time that he had to face his life, let alone a woman whom he loves and cares about deeply, totally and utterly sober.  While that is possibly/probably a huge reason for this unease between us, I believe an underlying problem existed that was exacerbated by the sobriety, as well as his own search for serenity and dealing with his own feelings and demons.  It was this underlying problem that I have continually come back to enough times to seriously consider it one reason that is not favorable or wanted by Wolf whatsoever.  I would hardly hesitate to say that Wolf would deem my theory of the true “problem” as detestable.

 

Wolf has told me repeatedly that he is not fond of my psycho-analyzing the struggles and frustrations between us, though I had to admit a harsh truth to him: that if I didn’t psycho-analyze the things we were constantly saying are frustrating us about our friendship, then I wouldn’t have been able to logically, and emotionally, believe that these things were partially due to him being sober, and that I would be able to be patient with him.  I had to be honest and tell him that if it weren’t for that, I would have told him to just leave my life for a while, as I had become so frustrated that I just wanted him to leave me alone all together.  Psycho-analyzing helped put my volatile emotions aside, which would have been reactive, and put some logic of emotions (which can be/are illogical) into the mix to come to have the compassionate emotions that show I truly do love him unconditionally, and become more proactive instead.

 

The “sobriety” excuse worked for a while, although I still could not grasp why we had so many emotional frustrations, and why I always seemed to be the one to “blame” for these emotional dramatic conversations happening.  I could not see how I was creating drama, and I even looked to other male friends for guidance in how I was acting, or talking, or writing things that could be seen as dramatic, overly emotional or needy.

 

None of the men that have counseled me had any possible answers for me that helped put this dramatic and cryptic problem into perspective, or any logic that I could be compassionate with.  They did, however, make statements to the fact that they could see or understand why I might be confused.  Some men agreed with my assessments that, if looked upon it in one perspective, could come across as me being completely arrogant.  Some men simply saw things as me unintentionally being a “safety net” or basically “the tested and true fallback” that would step in, in some cases, as the last resort Wolf knew he could count on.  I had wanted to refute these suggestions, as these only seemed to portray Wolf as someone who has only been manipulating me for all the 5 years I have known him, and I did not want to see him that way.

 

I did, however, begin to believe how other men were viewing the situation between Wolf and I, and after hearing other things Wolf professed about himself and “men in general”, I began to become quite cynical about what is reality when it comes to anything a man says to me, or any woman for that matter.  I became so jaded that I could not seem to begin to figure out what to believe, or which way my heart and soul were leaning as the truth.  I began to know without a doubt, I wanted nothing to do with men or a relationship of any sort, as all men seemed to be just using me with a goal of having sex with me, or trying to just be agreeable with me trying to spare themselves of any “drama” that always seems to ensue with women.

 

I have recently become fascinated with the psychological theory of “projection,” as I have run across it before in counseling sessions off and on throughout the years, as well as in self-help books and soul-searching that I have done for a while now.  I have also run across this phenomenon with people I care about, in terms of me being guilty of projecting, as well as others being guilty of it.  It is something that has torn apart some of the relationships that I thought could last through time, and not something that was easy to admit to when guilty of perpetrating this type of transgression.  It is usually seen as one form of passive-aggressive conflict.  One of the best ways I have heard describing projection is this: “Projection is the opposite defense mechanism to identification.  We project our own unpleasant feelings onto someone else and blame them for having thoughts we really have.”

 

There have been countless times that I have been on the receiving end of someone’s projections, normally criticizing some aspect of my emotions that are blown out of proportion.  This is usually after I was able to truly analyze my own feelings and see if I truly was acting and feeling things that people claimed I was.  I have spent so much time analyzing the negative things people say about me so I can either correct, or balance out, character flaws of mine.  It’s not that I actually “care” about what other people think of me, as in that their approval of me and my actions are not heavily tied to my self-worth or self-esteem.  It is more that I want to be the best person that I can be.  Therefore, if I can work on a flaw to help keep it from negatively affecting my relationships, I will take what others say as to how they view me and try to make amends if needed, especially when I allow the character flaws to affect my relationships with others in a negative way.

 

During some recent discussions while these confusing and troubling times with Wolf have come about, the thought of projection has occasionally entered my mind, so I have tried very hard to analyze my own insecurities and decide whether I have projected any self-criticisms or unpleasant feelings about myself onto Wolf.  I have found that there are a couple of instances of projecting, which I have tried to make amends for, and have seemed to be heavily revolving around abandonment insecurities, such as the one of me having feelings of abandoning people I care about.  However, when discussing something with my best friend this evening, I had to seriously look at the possibility that the problems I have with Wolf are truly revolving around him projecting things onto me.  This seems to be more so than the other way around, and even more than the fact I am a sentimental and hopeless romantic that can fall prey to my mind by reading too much into things.

 

At this point in time, I truly believe whole heartedly that problems between Wolf and myself began when my divorce had been denied, as we both felt dejected and frustrated that I could not get what I wanted.  I know I projected some of my frustrations onto Wolf and became more critical of him.  I also believe Wolf projected his own frustrations onto me, including feelings he seemed to have about wanting or even needing a relationship with me, and his fears that I am, in fact, just using him and have no intention of getting a divorce.  The projections started out small, though I believe that once we both realized that we were comfortable considering ourselves a “couple” and in a relationship, the label of me being married was then used to put up boundaries that were not present even just a few months, let alone a few weeks, prior.  We both fought for self-preservation and prevention of hurt, though it seems we ended up creating more hurt than ever intended.

 

My divorce being denied, along with my stubborn way of not taking Wolf’s suggestions to get myself away from my husband, must have crushed Wolf in many ways.  Sometimes I think he had every right to be frustrated that I had not taken his suggestions.  Even though they were valid suggestions, they just went too much against my core ethics and morals of how I wish to live my life.  I don’t like not taking other people’s advice which is meant help me, as then it can lead to people not believing you actually want to hear their thoughts, but that you just want validation of what you are already doing.  That isn’t what I meant at all, and even I felt as if there was nothing left I could do other than to just be patient and do things in a slow and methodical way, conforming to what was being requested until things could be finalized.

 

As I look back on things, I see many things that lead me to believe that Wolf is projecting his own uncomfortable feelings of wanting a relationship with me that is deeper than “just friends”, and projecting some of his uncomfortable feelings of what happens in a relationship, onto me.  All of a sudden, I was “acting too much like a girlfriend”, though he could not give me specifics for me to work on so I wasn’t making him that uncomfortable as he pulled further away slowly.  This began by him criticizing all the “negative drama” in my life that revolved around my divorce and struggles with my mother and her health and well-being.  Then it turned into me somehow acting like I was expecting or wanting an exclusive and serious relationship, even though I said nothing of the sort, and felt that the hurt feelings I had were hurt on a purely friend level, let alone what a casual girlfriend would feel.  Then it became that he didn’t want to share things about his life and feelings, as he did not want to let people get too close to him, and he felt it was not worth sharing.  If I asked for anything other than topical discussions, I was seen as being basically nosy.

 

After these “issues”, it became that when I wanted to spend time with him when I still felt he was my best friend and safest confidante, especially if one-on-one so I could share some sensitive information with him, I was again asking for too much.  He started to compare me to his best male friend as justification about why asking for his time alone was a seriously emotional transgression, bordering on pure jealousy.  Then it became that almost anything I spoke of from my heart, be it positive or negative, which is what he asked me to do, I became the enemy and was being “cryptic” and “dramatic”.  When I asked to speak to him during a few dark times, he became annoyed with me speaking to him about nothing but “negative drama,” and claimed I was too needy, especially compared to him.  Then it was…well, I have so many examples that I might speak of in another post.

 

I think this all boils down to him avoiding the reality of his feelings about me.  He has spent more time avoiding things emotional, and it seems to be that he is trying to convince himself that he doesn’t actually have the feelings he has deep in his heart.  He seems to be projecting and finding faults in things I say and do that are blown out of proportion, trying to divert the core issue of him getting emotionally attached to me.  It also seems that some of his long-held professions of never letting a woman get him worked up ever again, in addition to his professions of never wanting a serious relationship, are being challenged.  His projections have been pushing me away, though I want to be there for him, no matter what.

 

I am sure I will have more to say about this another time, though for now, I think it is best to meditate a bit, and see if any other answers can be found to when and why Wolf and I began to have so many frustrating conflicts.  I am not sure yet if I will share this insane epiphany with Wolf, if at all, though it seems to be insane enough to actually make sense of a very illogical and confusing time.

 

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It Was Today

May 30, 2012


“It Was Today”

Today is the day I realized,
I could not change my feelings;
While they may seem idealized
They rest so much deeper than that.
Tender and caring, you see,
While humility and appreciation
Shown to more than simply a degree,
Yet my smile you were not able to notice.
You have softened a bit,
If I am not far mistaken,
So now I should admit
That trying to build this tough wall,
Wore me down more than I intended.
Layers were being built upon layers,
Closing the gaps that needed to be mended,
Then just as I got the hang of it,
You show your true rhyme
And the truth I hide behind the wall now tumbling
Is that my soul is truly sublime.

 

©Ami May, 2012

Hypocritical Stances?

April 11, 2012


My mind has been consumed the last few days with some fragments of conversations that I just cannot seem to understand with any sort of logic.  I do not like and try desperately not to be judgmental, however, I cannot seem to find the compassion it takes to overlook a few key points in a couple of conversations with someone I care about and not be judgmental or question what logic there truly is to the completely hypocritical statements made.

The most complex and confusing stance seems to stand out more than any other I have ever faced in my life, so I am very troubled and trying desperately to find some logical explanation that will help me truly understand, otherwise, I fear that as it stands now, I found a deal breaker that could potentially break just how close my friend and I become that I thought I would never find.  The dilemma posed was that an addict in recovery asked someone I know to help them with a project, and for payment, they would be willing to offer sex if there was no monetary way for repayment of services rendered.  My friend was appalled by this proposition of sex as payment for help, and while I agree with that stance, my friend could not see the mirror I showed of their own actions and how eerily similar they treated others.  He could not see the similarities that would make someone question why he would find the offer of sexual repayment as degrading to one woman, but not another.  Here in-lies the confusion and hypocritical statements that I am seeking understanding and peace to overcome.

My friend is a “ladies man” by some standards, a “man-whore” by other standards, a “player” by yet other standards, and I am beginning to believe he may actually have some more deep seeded issues that go way beyond just your stereotypical “perpetual and proud bachelor”.  With that being said, his list of sexual conquests is very long and lengthy, something he seems to be more proud of than anything, and holds very little remorse for any hurt he has actually caused any of these women, or others in their lives that he affected.  He is a self-proclaimed “attention whore” and selfish (and are part of yet another hypocritical stance for discussion) and has confided some statements that, whether true or just a way to “protect” or “respect” my feelings in a way he thinks is right, put off the impression that he borders on truly psychotic or sociopathic in his attempts at providing himself with as much sexual variety and make sure a constant supply of women used for sexual release or pleasure.

When he told me about a woman who was seeking assistance and very bluntly proposed sex as payment for services rendered, my mind immediately went to how he treats many women as well as how he confessed that he had kissed this woman on the lips even though he felt she was “just a friend”, and that if sex were to happen between them, it would be a while down the road yet.  I tried to speak calmly and compassionately while still stating a rebuttal after he told me how he felt she was just degrading herself by “prostituting” herself, though the similarities to his own life were too compelling to simply leave in silence.  I have no doubt that because this woman was so honest about her past addictions to have confessed to prostitution to receive things fueling her addiction, my friend “saw” this situation as completely different from how I viewed it in relation to his path in life.  I was not sure how to state my case without coming across too harshly or critical, but I knew I had to try.

I asked my friend how this situation was any different from a situation he was in with a woman he was currently having sex with on a fairly regular basis, as well as how he handled things with women outside of the current frequent rendezvous. When I brought this point up, he seemed truly offended and became quite defensive in his responses, though they did not seem logical and seemed to miss the point I bluntly stated.  He most certainly would and had use sex to get what he wanted from a woman if she was willing to pay for, or buy him, or give him, whatever it was he wanted, but he did not see that as the same because he had never been at a point of not having the ability to actually pay for what he wanted.  He also could not see that women he gave time and attention to were being just as degraded when he only was spending time with them for “payment” of sex.

One of his current conquests is also in some life situations that leave my friend helping her out monetarily and in other ways that give her what she wants, and the entire point of them meeting was so he could find and have a new woman to have sex with.  He viewed her as strictly, pardon the crass way of stating this, nothing more than a piece of ass, so he was completely willing to play any mental game necessary to achieve the goal of having sex with her, which included giving her things she wanted from him, emotionally, monetarily, and included physical possessions.  At one point within the last month, he looked at me and told me that if she didn’t have money to pay for things she wanted that he had or could get for her, then she was going to have to pay with sex.

I seriously cannot see the difference, other than one person admitted to actually prostituting herself prior to meeting my friend, so the bias is present in his perception of her extremely blunt request and offer of payment, where other women have not admitted to prostitution, and because my friend sees these other women as “conquests” with a much heavier emphasis on flirting, seduction, and innuendos that nothing is outright spoken as a sexual proposition.  Even with a possibly skewed perception, I just cannot see much of a difference and cannot fathom how one is degrading and the other isn’t.

Can anyone actually explain this to me so I can see the difference and see how one is more degrading than the other?

I actually said that I gave the “prostitute” (I don’t want to use that term, but for clarity’s sake, it’s what I’m doing) a lot of credit for being absolutely bold and blunt with no room for misunderstanding.  What makes this even more confusing for me in regards to seeing the difference, and where I give this woman a lot of credit for being so upfront and honest, is that my friend kissed her on the mouth prior to this request…”as a friend only”.  This led to a misunderstanding when they spent time together only a few days before this proposition, and I think my friend continually leads women on by being extremely intimate with them when he has either no intention of anything truly intimate and deep, or it has become such a habit of his to do these type of things to women with a back-burner goal (or front burner goal) of having a sexual encounter with these women that they are completely thrown off guard when he decides something different from his actions profess.

He said that if she wanted to actually have sex with him, that was one thing, but to offer it as payment for him helping her with something was degrading.  So if she flirted, seduced, made innuendos that let him know she was interested in sex with him, and then asked to have him help her out, without offering sex as payment outright, he would have seen it as non-degrading and more worthy of his time?  If so, does this mean that “games” and ego stroking are less degrading than purely blunt honesty?

Does he not see that maybe the way he outwardly treats women puts off an instant impression of a “player” that really only wants sex anyway?  Does he not think that in a social setting, the more women’s numbers you ask for, regardless of platonic or sexual intentions, will eventually lead to women being a bit hesitant to give out their numbers, regardless if you are a “stalker” or not?  He is charming and his reputation spreads fast, so while he gets offended that women rebuff or are hesitant to be social with him, regardless of innocent intentions, women to tend to pick up on those that ultimately have the goal of having sex with you.  Most women do have that innate sense about men and how they act around them to at least be jaded in trusting that a man wants to be “just friends” platonically.  If he puts off the impression and a reputation of how many numbers he seeks out, let alone how many women he flirts with or kisses, let alone anything more physical than that, then he should look at himself and be thankful when women are blunt in offering what is in at least the back of his mind anyway…or at least give them more credit than to say what they are doing by being blunt is degrading.  Of course, that is just my humble opinion on that one.

Personally, I think it is degrading to him to treat women in the fashion he does, as well as degrading the women he encounters that are so willing to give him sex as payment for any help he may give them, no matter how large or small.  I brought it to his attention that while he wouldn’t have any form of sex with a man for things he has wanted or needed in life, he was very willing to have sex with women to get what he wanted or needed, regardless of whether he had or did not have the means to obtain what he wanted or needed outside of sexual favors.  I also brought it to his attention that he was willing to expect sex as payment for some things he does for some women in his life.  How is that not degrading and disgusting for him to do, let alone how is that not degrading and disgusting for the women that know that he will expect payment in the form of sexual favors if they do not have money to repay him?

He cannot seem to handle the mirror of his life when it is shown.  Of course, it is hard for anyone to truly look in the mirror of themselves when it is shown.  It saddens me greatly to hear his views on this and to see that he is as low as those he condemns.  He is judgmental and critical of some, but sees what he does as perfectly acceptable and something worth commendation at times.

He is not the most selfish and self-serving man I have ever known in my life (an ex boyfriend of mine takes the cake on that one), but it is so disheartening to see how the pathology of his mind works.  I even have gone so far as to think and feel that he is a sex addict of some form or another, and have actually begun to visit a support group to help me, as his friend, deal with the extremely degrading things I see and hear.

Then again, I have been taken advantage by him and fallen for his charms before as well, so I have also been seen as just as degraded with no self-respect as he has viewed this one woman, by the ones that care about me as well.  I admit to my hypocrisy by allowing myself to fall into that charming web, though I know I had and have enough self-respect to do self-reflection and get help for the “codependent” and “enabling” tendencies that leave me easy prey to giving off the impression that I am degrading myself and that I have no self-respect.

Now if I could just understand why this one woman, who should have been given more credit for being blunt instead of playing games, is seen as degrading herself, while it is completely overlooked and even celebrated when done by others, maybe my mind would stop thinking of example upon example of how so many situations are similar, and just as degrading.  I keep trying to understand, throwing my mind into the rules of debate and trying to see both sides, but I just cannot find it in my brain, or my heart, to see how they are so different…and I wish I could, because now, my mind and heart are viewing someone I care about deeply as very degrading of himself and women and pathological.


It was about 5 months ago now that my closest male friend, someone I deeply care about and love, had a life changing event occur that in turn also brought about some life changes of my own, even in the process of my life changes and soul-searching that were already in progress.  While these events occurred and made me re-evaluate some things in my life, admit to others, and possibly even deny yet some other things, I accepted how my life was progressing and moving and actively going along with the changing tide with an open mind and heart.

As my friend, whom I will call “Wolf” for the purpose of this entry, was facing a realization of events that lead to him considering himself an alcoholic, I was putting myself into a position of being a support system that thrust me into some serious introspection.  As this event began to unfold, I had emotions rise to the surface that I could not explain, and I cannot seem to explain things even now.  I do not think I can forget the night when the first introspective moment hit me like a ton of bricks and a wave of emotions flooded over me that felt like I was seriously in trouble of drowning and I was disoriented.

The night started out with friends playing a few rounds of poker, and while it caught me as a bit “odd” in retrospect that I took notice of something that night that I had not taken real notice of before, I cannot deny that I did actually notice it.  I had a bit of a protective feeling towards Wolf that night that I had not felt before.  It wasn’t a possessive feeling, or one of judgement, or even one of criticism.  It was just a strange feeling of taking notice of the drinks he was consuming and then having an overwhelming feeling of “this isn’t like him” and a general feeling of wanting to reach out but not really knowing in what way.  I can almost guarantee that it was because of this feeling that I asked to try one of the drinks he had, which I rarely do, almost as if I needed to take one to keep him from drinking it.

Wolf can take care of himself, don’t get me wrong, which is why the feelings of anxiety and protective instincts felt so out-of-place for me.  I did not dwell on it, though, nor did I try to analyze those feelings right then and simply continued on with the fun night.  When Wolf lost his chips and was taken out of the game, he left, and I was left with a feeling in the pit of my stomach that, yet again, “this isn’t like him” by his reactions and I just couldn’t seem to figure out why I felt that way.  I had a sense of concern that seemed to come from no where in particular, and while I was nervous about showing my concern, out of a fear that my actions or statements would somehow belie that it was a genuine concern that I could not explain, even though I trusted Wolf with every fiber of my being, I tried as hard as I could to figure out a way to express my concern without seeming overwhelming, clingy or controlling.  Looking back, all I can do is admit to my very apparent “codependent” way of seeking to handle it, though I despise actually admitting to that, as the term codependent has such a negative connotation and almost every single compassionate action or statement of concern can be twisted into this sickness of codependency.  I did try to contact him later and ensure that things were okay, and after a reassurance that he was okay and decided to go out somewhere else, I resumed the night, which ended when I finally got home and went to bed about 3:00 in the morning.

I had just fallen into a deep sleep after still not being able to shake a strange feeling deep in my soul, that I continually tried to ignore and not analyze, when my phone rang somewhere around 5:00 am.  I looked at my phone to see that it was Wolf calling, so I answered it, not knowing why he would be calling me at such an hour.  Why I actually answered at that time, I have no idea, as I had not taken calls from him from time to time due to what else was going on in my life at those moments, but I did answer for some reason.  When I answered, the phone call broke up before I could hear much from him, so when the call got disconnected, I sent him a text message to make sure everything was okay.  I had not quite finished the text message yet, and he called again, so I answered, and this time, my heart fell to the pit of my stomach.  Though the reception was poor, I heard Wolf state quickly that he was in jail as he had been picked up for a DUI, had nobody else to call, and asked if I could come and bail him out.

My mind could barely focus and I was overwhelmed with conflicting emotions.  I was trying to stay calm and logical, trying to figure out where I could come up with the money needed to get him out of jail, all while fending off tears, hearing that nagging lump in my stomach telling me that maybe, just maybe, my earlier intuition had been right to listen to, and listening to him trying to tell me where he was at before the conversation was disconnected yet again.  I was exhausted and had only had a couple of hours of sleep, but Wolf called me because he needed help…he was asking for my help…and I could not bear to turn him away when he had not asked for my help in this way before.  There was something in his voice that kept me from denying him, even though the cost of helping him was great, in more ways than strictly monetary.

I told him that I would be there as soon as I could, pulled on some clothes, grabbed what I needed and jumped in my car and headed in the general direction of where he was.  I didn’t even know where the jail was, but from what Wolf told me, I knew it had to be somewhere close to where he lived, which was at least a 45 minute drive from my house.  I stopped at the first open gas station that had an ATM and tried to use my brand new credit card to take a cash advance of the money needed to bail him out.  After 3 attempts, I got back into my car and cried, as the transactions kept being denied for whatever reason that I was not fully aware of (I found out later that since it was the first time I tried to use my card and it was for a cash advance, they denied the request until it could be verified as not fraudulent).

My mind would not seem to slow down at that point, and I knew that while the drive would be a minimum of 45 minutes, that was 45 minutes too long for my brain to have competing thoughts racing at what seemed like a million miles an hour.  I grabbed my GPS and did a search for where the jail would most likely be and then let the voice guide me as I tried to pay attention to the road that was covered in a dense fog that barely had visibility of more than 2 feet.  My thoughts made it very difficult to concentrate, but I could not stop.

Was he in an accident and hurt someone because he had been drinking and driving?  How could he be so foolish?  Why didn’t he allow me to be there for him before this happened with his almost severe independence?  How was I going to come up with the money to bail him out of jail?  Was this a time when I should use “tough love” and let him suffer the consequences for his actions?  Why was I going to bail him out of jail when I wouldn’t have answered the phone for others in my life at that time of day, let alone left my home to travel almost an hour to rescue them from an inconvenient consequence of their own actions?  What in the Hell was I doing?  What did this say about how much I cared about him?

These were just some of the thousands of thoughts running through my mind, including guilt about times when I should not have been driving because of having too much to drink.  I also remembered feeling resentment that stemmed from an instance of being pulled over for not making a complete stop at a stop sign a few years earlier that left me feeling like the officer talking to me and giving me sobriety tests was trying to trick me in some way and how emotionally upset I was that he continually tried to coerce me into accepting that I needed a ride home instead of driving myself (which sure felt like entrapment, and I stood my ground when I knew from the sobriety tests, including breathalyzer, that I was well within limits and driving just fine, other than making the mistake of not stopping long enough at a stop sign on a back road).  I continued to drive, almost white knuckling the steering wheel, sobbing in bursts, but thanking a higher power that he was, in fact, okay and alive, while having a sensation of not knowing whether this was all just a horrible dream or reality.

Once I found the jail, I decided to try to find an ATM that was owned by my bank, knowing that I needed to pull out the maximum allowable cash withdrawal and it was going to be short-changing my mortgage payment and all my available cash in my wallet to get him out of jail.  I put the cash that spit out from the machine in my wallet and made my way to the entrance of the jail that was open 24 hours a day.  I opened the door to find a small hallway with no windows and an intercom system, so I pressed the button with knots in my stomach and my hands literally shaking to call someone and figure out what the heck I needed to do to try and end this nightmare.  A man answered and asked what I needed in a short but not completely rude tone, and I was frozen for a moment, as I had never in my 33 years ever bailed anyone out of jail and had no clue what the proper procedure really was.  I told him my name and proceeded to tell him that I was there to bail out an inmate, Wolf.  He responded in a way that left me feeling quite cold and questioning my own strength as he proclaimed that the computers were down so I could not bail Wolf out of jail at that time, so I needed to leave.  I remember asking how long it would take for the computers to be back up, thinking that maybe this was a scheduled outage for updates like most large companies do, and all he responded is that he didn’t know, so I would have to call in about an hour and check the status of whether or not Wolf could be released.

I turned around, walked out the door, and tears flooded my eyes while yet another set of conflicting emotions took over.  I was angry and hurt at the dismissal, let alone the apparent lack of empathy or courtesy the attendant had given to me through the cold and calculating intercom, and I began to think about how much of my time I was wasting to help Wolf.  I wanted to be back in my comfortable bed sleeping, not wasting at least yet another hour out of my day when there was no businesses open for me simply wander though and get lost in to bide my time.  I was left to simply wander in my own mind, which can be a scary thing for me, and if too much time is left aimlessly sifting through thoughts without any outlet, I feared I would become the emotional basket case psychotic woman who was weak and not able to handle difficult situations.  I would be a failure if I wasn’t able to hold it together and get this taken care of, yet there was honestly nothing around to help with finding that peace and strength for my soul, except to look within myself, acknowledge the feelings and move past them as best as I could.  I realized that this was going to be a test of my strength, though I wasn’t ready for it at this moment, even though I knew in my soul that I had no control of when and how this test was happening, and all I could do was to control my reactions to the best of my abilities.

I decided to go through a drive through and grab a few bites to eat, questioning why I was choosing to do that, as I certainly didn’t feel hungry at that exact moment, and then chastising myself for falling into the action of this, because if analyzed, it could be seen as an avoidance tactic of dealing with reality – an eating disorder where food is used as comfort and avoidance of dealing with troublesome emotions – but I realized after I took a bite of the food I ordered, I really wasn’t hungry and I wasn’t in the mood to eat.  In fact, this reaffirmed my sentiment that I had overcome using food to mask and soothe difficult emotions, at least at the moment of trying to deal with them, and I had moved to a place of being actually repulsed by food during my most emotional moments.  I saved what I did not eat, thinking that maybe Wolf would want it when he was finally able to be released.

I kept looking at the clock in my car, trying to wish the time to move faster, but it wouldn’t, and finally I called the jail after about 45 minutes, deciding I could not wait any longer to try to figure out what was going on with Wolf and when I would be able to get myself to a place where I could actually sleep.  The woman that answered the phone was much more helpful and courteous than than the man I dealt with inside the building, though I was told they still were not sure when the computer’s would be up and running to be available to release Wolf.  This was now becoming extremely annoying and I wanted to scream at the woman on the other end of the line, but I kept my cool, and was told that she would call me as soon as she knew anything more and asked me for my phone number so she could keep her promise.  Granted, I was a bit jaded and frustrated, but I politely gave her my phone number thinking that I was going to have to wait yet another eternity, and just felt exhausted by that point.  It was about 10 minutes later that I got a phone call, though I didn’t recognize the phone number, and answered the call.  I honestly can’t remember exactly what was said other than one poignant thing about Wolf that made me chuckle a bit and think to myself, “now this is how he really is”.  The woman that called me said that it was fine for me to come back to the jail, gain entrance, pay the bail fee, and let Wolf out, which is what he had made painfully obvious as what he wanted once he realized I would be able to get him released.  That was the Wolf I knew…

I entered the jail, yet again, and finally gained entrance where I met a woman who was behind glass that either seemed very genuine in wanting to help me, or extremely willing to finally let Wolf out so as to gain some sort of sanity back.  Wolf is not a jerk by any means, though just as I am at times, he can become very passionate in his feelings and crusades, which can create reactions from people that could be construed as possibly annoyed, if not offended, and while I couldn’t quite place where her reactions were on that scale of compassion or offense, I was simply relieved that one part of this nightmare was finally over.  Once I paid the bail fee and signed liability statements, I was told that I should go wait out in my car and that Wolf would be released and meet me outside when they could get his paperwork processed, which they said was their top priority at that point.  So I went out to my car to wait…again.

I don’t even remember how long I waited, but I will not forget how I saw him come out of the door in my rear view mirror, and when he opened the passenger side door and got in my car, all I could do was break down in tears.  The tears flowed from relief; release of anxiety, frustration, and love…a true unconditional love, as well as the realization that I would go through Hell with, or for, Wolf if he needed me to.  A romanticized notion in some regards, a codependent notion in others, but none of those really seem to fit as it was honestly, simply a moment of clarity as to just how deeply I loved and cared about Wolf, and how I just how far I would be willing to go to be a support for him and help him in life.  It was in that moment I realized just how much I was willing to be a true life partner…if he truly wanted me as a life partner.

He asked me why I was emotional at that moment, but I could not muster the words to answer him.  They were caught in my throat and with a million other thoughts running at the exact same time, I truly could not figure out how to explain why I was in tears.  I was not ashamed of my freely flowing expression of emotions, nor was I nervous about explaining them; I just could not put to words what I was feeling, because I tried and the words would not come, so I was silent for a moment and listened to him vent his frustrations at that moment.  I remember feeling an sense of pride, because even with his poor choice that led to this consequence, he was one of the strongest men I knew, while being one of the most sensitive men, and I also felt humbled beyond belief that he felt I was worthy enough to be in his life.

Writing it out that way seems to set me up for the critical remarks of simply being taken advantage of, being a doormat, being a slave, being too codependent, being an enabler, and every other unhealthy thing that could be placed on our relationship, but it certainly didn’t seem that way at the time.  Yes, I know, another “red flag” and one I actually noticed and took heed of, though again, in my soul, this was a true defining moment and a bit of a turning point in our relationship.  I had probably let him take advantage of me at times, though I never once gave up who I am at my core, or let him cross boundaries that I had placed due to very unhealthy relationships in the past.  I knew I had a much higher tolerance to others “taking advantage” of me, which for me is simply being compassionate and helping other people, especially if they have nobody else to turn to, though I have my own boundaries that I have placed and do not let people cross those, so I feel that I do know what is healthy for me and what is not.  He was not being unhealthy for me, nor were my reactions to this night unhealthy for me.  In fact, this seemed to bring about even stronger healthy bonds and boundaries, which makes sense when most of our true life changes come from some of the most painful times in our lives that test our limits, if not push our limits to new lengths that, in the end, create new limits.

As this part of the background of the new journey comes to close and the next part of the background is written, all I can do is thank my higher power for such an amazing person in my life.  Everyone has made an imprint in my life and helped change or shape who I am, and Wolf has been nothing short of a blessing, whom I am eternally grateful to have met.  I may not make as much of an imprint as he has for me, but I do know that Wolf loves me, and it is an honest love that burns deeper than simply a fairy tale romance from my perspective and feelings.  Where it goes, I am unsure, and only time will tell, though I do hope that this next journey I am about to take is something Wolf is prepared for me to take, as I have a feeling this will become a very defining moment for me, him, and what we consider as a definition for our relationship.

Wolf may decide that he truly wants me to take this journey, since it is not really about him in many ways and it is about me honestly, though I will not waste my time and will leave him behind if he has difficulty accepting that in at least one way, this is about him and his journeys and my efforts to understand and support his journeys.  If I see that I am investing too much of my time and energy into taking this journey, that is a little bit of a change of direction for me due to supporting and adapting to his own journey, without Wolf’s support and the ability to accept the risks and consequences of this next chapter, then I will painfully leave Wolf to make his quest individually and change my direction to ensure I don’t give more than I can risk losing…including the risk of losing myself.

Not What It Seems

August 29, 2011


Love and devotion
At times most inanimate
Cold silence filling the voids
Trembling with fear
Avoidance reigns on high
Reeking of desperation
If only to not make waves
Comfortable bliss in denial
Fantasies crumbling
Fairy tales disappear
Reality too painful
Accountability kept at bay
Losing it all slowly
Finding it inched away
Everyone else to blame
Nothing defined or set in stone
Lest a promise actually be broken
Belief in yourself non-existent
Yet praise is the goal most sought
Growing apart daily
Turning away outstretched hands
Sincere in hopes to travel the perilous road
While guiding and helping
Never seems to be good enough
Double standards as the set standard
Refusal to look in the mirror
Or refusal to move from the line
Control the ultimate high
Respecting fear
Instead of commanding respect
Close minded views
Never to contemplate the other
No need for discussion
“Right” the gold among the copper
Self-pity and martyrdom
The tables turn once again
Mountains from mole hills
Brushing dust into a corner
Until mountains are made
Thin ice to skate
Emotionless and logical is professed
But logic is instantly struck down by emotion instead
Afraid of being alone
Others in company swimming in loneliness
Oblivion taking shape
Daggers of buried pain
Rip apart the fabric
Disappointment falling to the Earth
Drama of extremes
Silent films
Yet screaming horrors
Filling most days
Peaceful melodies only in slumber
Deafening noise in wake
Believe what you may
Though tomorrow it may all go away

©Ami May 2011


No, I’m not doing this the way most “normal” people think it should be done…so to Hell with what they feel is the “proper” way of handling a divorce…this is my life, and my soon to be ex-husband’s life, as well as our children’s lives, not theirs.

Since when did it become acceptable to tell others what “should be” done simply because that is what has been considered “the normal way”?  Why do some constantly ask specific dates of when things will be moving forward, as well as continually question what the next step will be when we haven’t even been able to communicate for years (hence the biggest reason for this dissolution of marriage), let alone discuss and come to compromises on one of  the greatest heartaches and senses of failure someone can deal with?

Since when did I ever truly follow what is seen as “normal”, anyway, and why would I chose to follow that path now all of a sudden?

When psychologists, psychiatrists, counselors, and self-help gurus cannot even seem to decide what is “normal” or “healthy”, why should I believe that what I have chosen to attempt would not work and be healthy?  I know what things I believe as harmful to my health and well-being, and even more-so for my children, so why not let me at least try what is a unique way of handling things and change directions when, and if, I see it going down the road of depravity and self-destruction?

Some of my motivation could be considered selfish or even simply stated as self-preservation.  While it can be construed that way, and there is some truth to it, there are many true altruistic reasons for the madness of this chaotic and self-reflective journey.

I am going through this blind, yet with eyes wide open and willing to change with the flowing tide in many ways…however, I know without a doubt that I cannot and will not back down from this exceptionally terrifying and exhilarating adventure that is probably long overdue…for both of us.