I had begun to research Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) many months ago, in an attempt to make sense of some of the psychological troubling things going on in my life that were making me feel as if I was going insane, which, in turn, left a few to actually believe I was psychotic and unsafe/unstable as a person, what I learned has been both freeing as well as troubling, as it still is difficult to navigate the emotions that come from this disorder in children.

I am shamed to admit that I believe both of my children suffered from this after looking at the symptoms (only 1 of many available symptoms lists) and reflecting on the life I led during some of their most formative years in an abusive marriage.  I feel guilty that they may suffer from this disorder, or at least have to a degree while some was simply due to their ages, when I know I was working 2 jobs from the time my youngest was about 2 until she was 8, plus in that time I was in the process of trying to divorce and had begun to live part-time outside of the marital home in another city for 4 days a week.  I abandoned my children when they needed me the most and I left them in an abusive situation that I felt I had no real way out of other than to work as much I was (and then begin a home based business where I traveled a lot and even when I was home, was quite often busy with the business aspect, and not there for them emotionally when they needed me to be).  I vowed to stop being so involved in my side business and strictly stick to my full time job (which involved me working 6 to 7 days a week for approximately 5 months or so out of the year), when I knew I was determined to end my marriage, and especially after the final incident between my ex-husband and I ended up with him in jail for domestic assault and a CPS investigation occurred.  I knew I needed to stay at home and focus more on my children, and the guilt of knowing I allowed them to be in a very unhealthy situation drove my motivation in many ways, even though I never really wanted to end my side business since it was something I truly enjoyed and was quite successful with it.

I can look back on things now and see why my children throughout the years had many issues with me being an active parent; I had been in many ways, but once I began working 2 jobs to support the household bills (just to make ends meet), I had left them into the care of my ex-husband who had his own troubles with depression, anger, and poor coping skills when it came to stress.  I wish I had other options, though it was either that I worked 2 jobs, or we would lose our house due to not being able to pay the mortgage (let alone other basic needs), and while I’ve gotten over being bitter about that situation, it definitely was a huge part in how my children have struggled for the last almost 3 years since the domestic assault incident to have connected with me and are now not showing as many symptoms of RAD with continued therapy for each of them, as well as continued effort on my part to enhance my parenting skills.

The very difficult part in this is the isolation I felt in the thoughts of this disorder/other psychological problems as being a very realistic thing happening with hope to overcome, not simply just affecting my own children but also feeling another child I cared for and was close to for a little over 2 years had/has the same disorder that could be overcome with support from various sources.  My children’s father has not been very supportive of therapy efforts for our children over many years (he has been against any form of psychological therapy other than to suggest I seek it out for myself only), though especially within the last almost 3 years, however, he has begun to be less critical of my efforts to have our children continue different forms of therapy.  It also felt like denial and a lack of support in what I felt were potential problems from the father of the other child, though there was nothing I could really do, since it wasn’t my child.  I have never truly felt supported when it came to my own children’s problems, let alone someone else’s child’s problems, and as much as I love the other child that is not mine and tried every thing I could to be there as a loving and supportive parental model for them, the more I did that is suggested to control the disorder, the more chaos and fighting happened that culminated in 2 people (at a minimum, as others were involved, but not on a daily basis) leaving a relationship, a home, my children, and me.  The more I researched this, the “parental figure” that is not the biological mother/father of the child, will usually get the brunt end of the disorder, and unless the biological child’s parent is supportive of the other parental figure, then more chaos and fighting will tend to occur and it tends to be a large factor (if not the largest factor) in many relationships ending.  My children did their fair share of acting out in ways that made it very difficult to co-parent effectively with their biological and non-biological parental figures involved, and I can look back on quite a few things and see that while, at the time, I thought of even a worse scenario than RAD, it definitely fit and explains a lot of the conflict that happened.  Logically knowing all of the information I do up to now makes it a bit easier to put into practice some good general parenting skills, it certainly does not help the feelings I have of being a complete and utter failure as a mother, let alone a woman worthy of a relationship, or coming to grips with some of the very critical remarks about me as a person and parent that I’ve heard over the years (including more than just the last 2 years).

It was heartbreaking to have a child, whom I went to great lengths to show love and affection to as well as make them feel as if they were one of my own even though they were not, no longer in my life, let alone the knowledge of my part in making things worse for everyone involved.  In some ways, though, I know having the father leave me/the relationship and detaching was for the best, especially when it appeared, from my side at least (probable biased/irrational thinking) that led to some resentment, that children could talk about me/others in my family poorly without reproach or confrontation, yet when I reached out to friends for support of the situation that I felt like I was getting totally lost in, I was criticized for “talking shit” and “blaming”. I felt like some sort of double standard that was difficult for me to accept, so I know, logically, that what happened with ending things/the situation as we had known it for a while was for the best of all of us.

I not only saw and admitted to what my own children did, I admitted to times I acted in a way that was more irrational and emotionally reactive instead of the more calm and rational person I have tried to become over the years, and still want to become.  I felt dismissed and I didn’t feel validated, which ended up leading me to act much more emotionally than I wish I would have and know I can control better.  I know I can do better; I want to continue to grow in how to not be as emotional when it comes to handling difficult situations that are triggers to the side of me that deals with stress, so I can become better at being proactive instead of reactive.  It takes practice…something I’ve been determined to consciously be more active in doing each day in some small way or another.

I feel more shame and guilt than I do resentment; my own children appear to have suffered from this disorder, which is guilt inducing in so many ways even though none were officially diagnosed (that I am aware of).  Unfortunately, the shame of being seen as a “bad” parent and avoiding reality made it a difficult thing for me to accept, so I strive to keep working each day on trying to understand the intricacies of some psychological reasons for others’ actions/reactions so it will be easier to forgive and let go of things that ended up invading my dreams and brought me to a psychotic point (not just with parenting and goes as far back as pain I’ve dealt with since a child). I know it’s best for me to accept reality for what it is with my children and continue to learn better parenting skills for their sake, as well as anyone else that enters my life in an intimate relationship of any sort (regardless of it being male or female, platonic or romantic), as I do not wish to make the same mistakes I did before…I never want anyone to suffer the way we all did again…children or adults.

I wish I would have learned about this disorder 3 or more years ago…not only within the last year…as maybe I could have handled things better and not ended up abandoning my own children for so long, let alone another child that really needed a supportive mother figure to not abandon her/shut her out of their life again.

There is so much guilt, heartache, and such a deep sense of loss, on so many levels, and some days, the pain hits out of nowhere, and I feel as if I’ve taken 2 steps forward, then 1 step back.  I know I just need to keep moving forward and learn from all of this…


I am at the beginning stages of trying to refinance my house, as part of my divorce settlement that was awarded in November of 2013, and I am finding it very hard not to be both positive about the experience as well as nervous and doubtful that this huge personal achievement will come to pass within the next month as I had hoped.  Anxiety about the possibility of my home not being assessed at a high enough value to be able to refinance yet has definitely been creeping in as I reflect on the time I tried to refinance as soon as my divorce was awarded, though I am trying to rationalize the thoughts as trying to keep myself grounded in reality, in case things happened as they did before, and hope that my anxiety is not a form of self-sabotage or the negative version of the Law of Attraction that will garner me the results that I truly hope do not repeat from my last experience.

I have sacrificed a lot to get where I am at and feel proud of my accomplishments, yet there is a part of me that seems to be feeling quite a bit of shame in feeling proud, as if I need to ensure I’m not so confident that I end being arrogant and feel completely defeated if I need more time to unlock the life achievement that I’ve taken great care to try to unlock.  I know failing at this goal, at this time, will not break me completely, though the reality of pushing the goal off to a different time frame, again, will have some ramifications that I’d rather avoid, including pushing off the extra things that I would like to give to my children.

My children have everything they need; a roof over their head, utilities, food, and even clothing, though there is so much more I would like to be able to give them.  I would love to be able to take them traveling and experience places that I was blessed to be able to experience, just for starters, though the luxuries I seem to be denying them that their peers have been afforded are lower on my priority list until I can get past this hurdle of refinancing my house.  That is a concept I have tried to explain to my children after every “…but everyone else…” and “We don’t get anything…” comment is made; we have to sacrifice now so I can get to a point of budgeting in those luxuries and maintain the home we have as well, and it is a promise I made in the dissolution of my marriage to their father.  I have to legally keep this promise before I can focus on giving them any of the things they want that are over and above what they need to survive, which can be a difficult concept to explain without sounding as if I am being selfish, especially when I am at a point in life that I refuse to go into debt to put my children first outside of their immediate needs.

I was heartbroken when, after my 4th attempt at filing for divorce and it finally being granted (doing things pro se 3 times previously just didn’t work out; the judges would not grant our mutually agreed upon settlement – a point I can see both sides of, begrudgingly), I immediately sought to refinance the house as my ex-husband and I agreed upon and was told I needed to pay off about another $10,000 in debt before I could refinance. The mortgage and equity loan were the last items that I needed to remove his name from as far as jointly owned/responsible accounts, and the sooner I could get that accomplished, the better, as there was always tension when it came to finances between us that would lead to closure and less to argue about if it could be done as soon as possible.  It was frustrating to tell the mortgage banker that I already had a loan against my 401K account (which was used to help pay off the extra $6,500 in credit card debt I had agreed to take on), and had no family to lean on for such a loan, and realizing that any personal loan would not get me any closer if I used money from such a loan to pay down the outstanding equity loan balance.

I felt completely devastated at the news, since I could afford the house payments on my own, which unfortunately was part of the problem in our marriage that, I believe, made him feel so emasculated (in addition to the resulting affair I ended up having), and with the way I had evolved my finances over the years and my length of employment with the same company, I had agreed to take on the house mortgage on my own, as well as the home equity loan we had against that, and even his half of some credit card debt that we had obtained over the years, in lieu of him receiving half of my 401K retirement balance.  Needless to say, my ex-husband actually got a pretty good deal, even though I was not giving him half of the equity in the house, or “buying him out”, since our house had fallen into disarray and with the amount of the equity loan, there was no true equity that I could give.

The devastation of hearing that reality, however, pushed me even harder to reach the goal of being able to refinance our house and be able to truly own the house on my own.  I had a goal, which I told my ex-husband about before we even got married, that I wanted to own a house by the time I was 30.  Due to the fact that he wanted to own a home before we had children, which he knew from the start that I wanted early for medical and selfish reasons of the ability to enjoy and be actively involved in being a mother, I was able to sign the mortgage to the house with him just before I turned 20 (in large part because of his VA status which equated to no money down and no private mortgage insurance required on the original loan), and also stepped across the stage to receive my GED in the same month.

December of 1999…talk about a time in my life that I will never forget.  It’s a time in my life I never want to forget in many ways, though in so many I wish I could forget, as I had crawled back from a dark hole that started roughly in May of 1996 (when I should have graduated high school instead of dropping out in January to move from Texas to Nebraska) when I was completely and utterly alone in a state where I had no family and friends and was taken advantage of in so man ways, and hit basically rock bottom at the end of January in 1997, emotionally and financially.  I am sure I could, and most likely will, write more about that time in my life in other posts, though right now, it reminds me that while I had some help emotionally and even a little help financially, I really am the one that got myself out of the pit of despair I was in; I knew what I needed to do and was blessed to receive some  motivation in ways, though what I did was more my determination than anyone seemed to give me credit for (or demanded that I acknowledge that if it weren’t for some help I would never be where I am now; a faulty logic that history can prove the fallacy of).

Since November 2013, I have successfully paid off my attorney’s fees (roughly $2,000) and paid off $3,000 of my mortgage principal, as well as just under $9,000 of my equity loan principal.  All I can do at this point is hope that when my house is appraised soon, that the value has not gone down enough to not be able to complete the refinance process this time, especially when I’ve succeeded in doing what I’ve done so far, with very little to almost no help from anyone else in my life.

I am looking forward to, yet very nervous about, finally unlocking the achievements I have, and this one is the 2nd one of the most daunting I have taken on in my life so far…the first was getting through my divorce, which I had never thought I would do, nor had even a thought of it being an achievement…initially.

Compared To Someone Else

August 2, 2014


It sucks to hear that you are being compared to someone else, especially in our intimate relationships, though as time goes by, I begin to believe more and more that there is just no way around it, no matter how hard you try. I could be wrong in my assessment that we shouldn’t be held to a standard or absolute of “never comparing” one person to another, however, I think it is unrealistic to allow ourselves the option of comparing other things in our lives, but not people. How do we ever know that we want and don’t want, or like and don’t like, in other aspects of our lives if we don’t compare one experience to another. Let’s take ordering dinner in a restaurant to explain my position, for the sake of showing the double standards we impose on others because of our fragile egos.

If you order a steak dinner from one restaurant, and then go to another restaurant,
whether it is the next day or 5 years down the road and order the same type of steak
dinner, such as prime rib, do you not compare one against another and determine a preference for when you decide you want to have a prime rib dinner again in the future? Our preference to one establishment for a steak dinner comes to us by comparing the experiences, whether it is simply the atmosphere of the establishment, the service given by the employees, the way the dinner was prepared to our specific requests, or the available side dishes, among so many other details that your mind grasps. Do you not give feedback to an establishment about an area that you feel they are commendable in or areas where you would like to see improvement on?

If we can do this when it comes to an eating establishment, without any question and
almost automatically in some instances, then why are we not allowed to do this in our intimate relationships? Why is it forbidden and seen as such a treasonous act if a comparison is made, which tends to be frowned upon more when we compare items that are things we don’t like and would like to see improvements on? Are we allowed to compare and only recommend places to others because of the good things but not allowed to state any of the things we were not completely thrilled with or suggest that someone not dine at one establishment due to specific reasons? Do restaurant owners never dine anywhere else other than their own establishment or seek reviews because their feelings might be hurt by seeing or hearing things because they do not want to know that the reality is that they may not be “perfect”? Why is there such a double standard for every single thing in our life that we like or don’t like, want or don’t want, with the exception of relationships?

In my intimate relationships from birth, I have been through a lot of pain, as well as joy, and I have realized that there is only so much pain I can handle before loving feelings are replaced with bitterness and resentment, so why am I not allowed to say that I am sensitive to certain things, which have been brought upon by people in my past (and possibly present)? Why do I have to spare someone else’s ego by intentionally beating around the bush in stating that something, or someone, is pushing me away because of someone else’s mistreatment of me in the past? Why is it okay for me to dote on the comparisons that show what I do like, yet not speak of those things I don’t like or don’t want, and try to get to a position that is either more tolerant or a deal breaker?

I am not naïve, and whether it is true or not, I choose to believe that I am being compared to others in any relationship – if I wasn’t, then how could someone say that I am “good” at any specific part of a relationship, let alone what frustrations I bring to a relationship? – and, while it is not fun to find similarities from one to another that I’d rather not find, I have been learning how to use that as motivation to improve some aspects about myself that may need to be improved upon. I know that I can be very aggressive in conversations, even though I don’t intend to be, and I am still trying to improve how I can be aggressive, yet know when to take a break instead of continuing, because if taken too far, it isn’t healthy or helpful, and those that are bothered by it the most, are the ones who have had it happen to them before with others and they are sensitive to some of my aggressive conversation style.

It reminds me of being burned by a fire or stove – an analogy I’ve used over the years in relationships to explain why I’ve admitted comparing and being insecure in certain situations, regardless of whether it was received well and agreed upon as a proper explanation or not. Each time you are burned by a fire or stove, even the mere image of one (whether it is a picture or physically within your eyesight), especially if you are burned over a very long period of time, can bring about anxiety at a minimum, and even physical pain where you’ve been burned before. It would make sense; to me at least, that the same idea and physiological events when burned by heat applies to pain that may have been given by another person, whether physical or emotional. For some people it can be very difficult to put their boundaries into words without associating them with a specific name – I happen to be one of them, at this point – especially if specific names have been associated with them for an extended period of their lives. As hard as I try to not associate a name with a situation, especially if it is one that is painful, I am unable to completely express things without the association somehow being made, either outright or inferred by the person I am speaking to.

I may need more help in putting my boundaries, likes, dislikes, and such into words that are vague enough to not let anyone know that I’ve used my past experiences to determine them, though I do not think I should be dismissed simply because I am unable to do it well enough yet to not hurt someone’s feelings by stating “I didn’t like how this person treated me like this…” or “Your actions/statements/etc. are things I have dealt with before and I don’t like it…” or other comparison about my past to my present.

Maybe a list here will give me a bit more clarity, and if anyone does read this, maybe they can offer suggestions and help me be a bit more sensitive to other’s egos when it comes to the sensitive things that I wish to make boundaries, so I can find more to compliment by comparison (which almost everyone doesn’t seem to mind) instead of criticize in those I love. As I have written this, something seems to really stick out that I’ve been in denial about; I may have never really been able to heal from one burn completely before I have been burned again, so at times, I feel as if I am doomed to continue the cycle…


People I work with, along with close friends, are now commenting daily on my weight loss and are actually getting concerned, though all I can reply back with is that it’s just from stress, though I leave out the “from the abusive life I’ve lived in for so long and am breaking free from each day”.  I just want this torturous part of my life to end.  I mean, I think 30+ years of physical, mental, and emotional abuse, mainly as me on the receiving end, though also being the one to dole it out from time to time, is really taking its toll on me.

This has affected me physically, as I go into an almost anorexic state of eating when I feel the pressures of my emotions encroaching on my brain, and I lose my appetite when I am anxious more so than eat when I should or even when I try.  When there is severe anger that results in bitter and dramatic lashing out and doling out pain purposely, I lose any appetite for, sometimes, days on end.  In the last year I have lost nearly 30 pounds, and I don’t want to lose anymore, though what can I do when I’m finally trying, and succeeding, in shedding of the mountains of effects of abuse that went on for so long, and he finds some way to get into my brain, fucking my head so hard that I almost feel physically disoriented.

Why?  Why does the timing always come on the heels of my happiness?  Does he do it purposely or is it just a very stunted defense mechanism that he finds is most effective?

I had, probably, the absolutely best week and weekend of my life, other than the standard “best” times of my wedding and 2 of the most wonderful children I could have asked for in so many ways, and he just had to try to bring me down to his level with judgements that cut me down so much that, yet again, I was nothing but a worthless slut that simply slept with any man she could and was a spoiled brat that wouldn’t accept what he wanted to give…his love and affection.  I was a quitter and continually just lead him on.

But wait!  He doesn’t want to get a divorce and even before he asked for an outright answer prior to actually accusing me of sleeping with someone recently, he was the one that “made out” with another woman from his own past, which turned into, when speaking about the make out session a 2nd time, getting oral sex from this woman, which then turned into, when speaking about the make out session from a strange first topic that was tied to it, he “made it to 3rd base” with her when I finally asked crudely and bluntly “So, what, you finger fucked her?”.

So, he did all but actually penetrate her, which he said he just couldn’t do because of his feelings to me (being his legal wife), which all happened within a week and a half of finally meeting each other for the first time in so many years, and he has the audacity to make accusations that I had slept with someone else and tell me that I am still continuing to be a cheater?

I fucking hate him some days.  It’s mind fucks like that which drives people to insanity and if they don’t know how to deal with it, end up believing some of the awful insinuations that are thrown out there but never directly confronted.  Then the “perfectionism” comes into play during conversations, making sure to deflect more and your attention is diverted to repeating what you said in some specific way that is more correct than originally stated.

He is a master at this, and after I finally was able to physically put distance between us when I was living with a friend in another city for a few days a week a couple of years ago, I became determined to get myself and our children into a safer and healthier situation, otherwise I feared that they would end up repeating the same cycles for possibly the same amount of time as me, if not more.  My job as a parent is to teach them how to make it in life and survive so they can hopefully thrive.

I didn’t realize that the 12-step support group I began to attend 18 months ago for one reason, would open my life up in ways to see the entire situation of my life with more clarity and a determination from the absolute depths of my soul.  I felt, day by day, that I was more of a warrior in a way, planning on attacking the toxicity that was slowly killing not only her, but the family she created and had always wanted.  I knew it would take time, patience, planning, and trying to grow stronger each day to make it to the end, where her new life would begin, though I had not even come close to thinking it would end up like it has so far.  The most surprising things have been both emotionally and physically draining, as well as emotionally and physically energetic.

I realize that I’m still allowing him to control me in some ways, but I will not let him, as I am not as weak as I once was, and I will continue to get stronger as I can see reality for what it is and I refuse to focus on things that distracted me from the realities before me.  The cliché of how the best revenge is to be happy is definitely one I seem to come back to, as this is how my life seems to have always been – every time I have something good happen, either my mom or my husband was there to pull me down in some way.

One of the most recent moments of just how insidious those soul torturing belittling and condescending words can infuse your entire being happened when I went out with friends to sing karaoke.  Why I didn’t realize it then, but realized it after he verbally beat me down the next day calling something I did inappropriate and attacked the character of someone I care about, who happens to be male and likes me, and all I could see was rage building within me, and the clarity of why I did, or better didn’t do, in trying to sing came to the forefront during my insomnia afterwards.

I get up on stage every so often within the last 4 years and read my poetry, which is a way I show the absolute pain I’ve been through, as well as the hopes and joys that really only occurred within the last 6 or 7 years, and is my soul written out in an artistic form that is open for interpretation, as a way to still keep my soul hidden as only I know what memories those poems invoke for me and I don’t have to speak about them as my poem will speak for me once to cover so much.

If I can open my soul up that way, then why the Hell can’t I get up and sing a song in front of, most likely drunk, people instead of simply belting songs out in my car or in the comfort of my home?

Oh, that’s right.  It’s probably because I’ve been told since I was a child that I was not good at singing whatsoever, even when I was in choirs within our church and during middle school.  I think my husband’s criticism of my singing hurt the worst because he would make sure I knew that, since he sang in an A Capella/barbershop chorus and was in choirs for a longer time than I had, that he knew more than me to be judgmental and critical of my pitch or tone, under the pretense of trying to make sure I didn’t make a fool out of myself and to get better at singing.  I have been told, while trying to lightly sing in the vehicle with him over the years, to just stop singing, as it was too hard to listen to. Oh, there are so many times and ways he told me how horrible I was at singing, and how he didn’t like me trying to sing at all, that I get embarrassed if I sing around anyone other than a few trusted people.

When I would go with him to his practices, I would sit there in awe of him, and I would praise him often outside of the practices as well.  I know my one downfall in this scenario is that I was a 19/20 year old girl on the heels of past family and relationship trauma, and I was a bit too clingy to him being of drinking age and wanting to go out with the group after practices to a bar to socialize a bit.  I tried to make up for it by praising him and requesting that he sing around me more often, though I wasn’t wise enough to know that some ways of requesting are more harmful than helpful, and I think my requests of singing something other than his chorus songs, to sing me something more contemporary, as it would show off his talents in a way I rarely had gotten to see, though I think he felt that I was attacking him, and it may be that I wasn’t as clear in communicating then compared to now (though I am sure I can still learn more ways to communicate clearly and concisely), even though I never meant it other than encouragement.

So, I was at the bar with some friends recently, and I had 2 people who care about me a lot try to get me to pick a song to sing.  Granted, that night, in and of itself, was quite emotional and probably for another entry, which left me feeling just a bit more introverted than extroverted as I was earlier, and I just had this nagging thought that I didn’t want to embarrass the ones I cared about so much, so I just didn’t want to take that risk or put myself out there like that.  I couldn’t let myself give that part of me to be possibly attacked and used against me like it had been for so long before.

I broke down in tears when I came to that conclusion in the shadows of the night that I stared at for so long alone the night after the bar and shortly after my husband’s latest confrontation with me.  It is a hard habit to break those, almost automatic responses and defense mechanisms, to let yourself live authentically to the world, and while I’ve made some strides, I have at least one more first step to make now…

I won’t let him do that to me anymore, because even though we are legally married, I keep being reminded of why I knew, but tried to deny it and work against it for years, that I did not want to be married to HIM and began my journey that has come to where I’m at now.  The journey has a lot of bumps to go over, but I know now that they are not mountains, as I thought they were at one time, and for that, I am grateful and I am looking forward to finally getting up on stage soon and actually sing a song around a crowd, and be glad I finally found the courage to do it and not worry if someone wanted to criticize me or say that I do not sing well at all and should not try again.  I have been around enough nights of karaoke over the years to know how people react to other people singing, and I know I’d rather get some drunk laughs or praise, or sober helpful hints or small signs of support, regardless of how well I did in their opinion.  I know that, in all reality, most people do not treat others they way I allowed the most important people in my life to treat me, and I am finally ready to just do it.

Ironically, what he does not realize is that for all the character attacks he threw at the man who has spent time with me most often lately, it is that man who has touched me quite deeply by treating me with more respect and courtesy than I have received in years.  He, probably unknowingly, is the inspiring me to let myself stop living and looking in the past in more areas in my life than I had already consciously chosen to move forward in prior to actually spending any time with each other past occasional messages within the last few months or the one or two yearly social functions we had attended together years ago.

My friend asked me to pick one of two songs, and while he sang the song I chose, I was delighted to receive an impromptu serenade for part of the song, along with him coaxing me into joining him for a few measures and a kiss before he went on to end the song and left me blushing, to be totally honest.  My great friend that was with us leaned over to me after the exchange and said, “I’ll be the first one to say it, ‘Aww…’ and I mean it in a very good way.”  In those short moments, a memory of that time in history, along with how I physically and emotionally felt then, will forever be seared in my soul.  It is a moment I can hardly describe, let alone the rest of that night, but I know it was such a positive impact that no matter what is said to discredit him, this man has proven that, as an imperfect human, he has more class and puts in more genuine effort than the man that was attacking him, and that’s all that matters to me.  I learned a lot from the mistakes I have made and the struggles of my marriage, let alone struggles of growing up, and the one I think is most important now is to listen to those around me and take heed to what they say…

They remind me of where my passions are and when I am truly happy.  They remind me that they are looking out for me, and if they believe that someone or something may be unhealthy, they will tell me, so I should take their support as genuine and notice the reality of what they say, or even don’t say.

Yeah, I think that karaoke will have to be a “to do” one evening fairly soon…all thanks to you.


I talked to her last night for about an hour and a half, quite peacefully, and intimately as well, which opened my eyes and heart to keep things moving towards peace as far as my efforts were concerned.  She was the one that reminded me that at some point we have to stop being enablers.  I do not think she knows just how ironic that statement is in my life now as I have woken up enough to see my enabling behaviors that I need to keep under control, for many reasons, though most important was for the sake of my soul.

The irony, for me at least, is that as I have begun to put my foot down with enabling in many ways, she gives me ideas of what I can do to stop it while she is enabling in ways I just can no longer do and will only continue to impede on his growth and health if she cannot do what I had the courage to do, so to speak.  She, who could not do what I did while she was married, out of fear and such dependence, is oblivious to the mirror she should be looking at, instead of his or mine.

I love her as if she is true family, and we have had some wonderful times along with some painful ones, so I do not intend to sound as if she is awful, because she is not.  She, though, is definitely one I learn a lot from in some of the most unexpected ways, regardless of whether she intends a lesson or not.  However, that does have its disadvantages, as they may not always be the best things for the type of person I really am, whether positive or negative.

One thing she said that hit me hard last night during that time, other than the statement about stopping the enabling, was the fact I seemed so much more calm and relaxed than I had been frequently within the last, oh, I don’t even know how long anymore, and she didn’t specify a time length either.  She also said how nice it was that we weren’t snapping at each other every single time we spoke.  The final confirmation as to how I should be acting, came when she confessed that, when I picked the kids up from her house her initial statement that it had been a pretty good weekend wasn’t totally the truth, which I had wondered by the way she looked, sounded, and even acted that night when I spoke to her then.

Little does she know just how difficult it can be to not lash out in some way to the comments and interactions that happen, not only between him and I, but between her and I as well, because some of my thoughts can be so sharp and brutal, that I would be seen as, and teeter on being, a truly vengeful woman.  If I give in to the thoughts, I would be giving further validation of what was, and is not, reality, and for the sanity and serenity of my life, that is something I just cannot do. 

The fact that our children have already picked up our habits in a way I would have never wished on anyone, is what helped me realize that I must take a really steep high road throughout the “bad guy” reputation I have to accept as part of placing healthy boundaries, was what took the proverbial cake, in a way, for I knew before I even had children, I would not let them repeat the same misery I had known, whether it is the abusive ways I had lived through as a child, or the abusive ways I lived as an adult. I do carry guilt for not realizing sooner that I already had let them live that life and was grooming them to live it as either the abuser or victim as an adult until it invaded not only my dreams, but even during my most lucid states.

I now have to enable in one way, giving of myself that I may not truly want to, because I know I’m strong enough to stand my ground when it needs to be.  My boundaries are more firm than they have been before, especially once I was able to look at the entire 35 years of my life on a large scale to analyze and find something that made sense.  The pieces started to come to into focus while I was in the hospital with my daughter for those 5 days years ago, and I began truly looking for my soul, because I knew I was feeling the same as I had in my relationship with my mother when I was younger, though I was a capable adult that did not need someone else to survive.  I wanted to know why I felt like I was a child again that was beginning to believe she really was not able to live up to the expectations and questioned her own abilities that were being pushed to the side, even though she didn’t know what she could do differently because everything was so vague.

I felt so scared during the time our daughter was struggling with her health, and emotional waves just over took me to the point of a deep enough hole that I had an overwhelming urge to truly connect with the ones I loved in case someone’s time ended sooner than I would like.  When I reached out for the one that swore, and still swears to this day, that he’d be there for me if I really needed something, he turned me away and made excuses for his rejection, minimizing the reality that I was at an emotional breaking point and needed help of some sort.  I thought I needed my husband, but what I have learned is that I needed a life partner as much as a friend, something I had tried to make what our marriage was based on.  I had assumed his view of a marriage was the same as mine, though as I was reminded many times to never assume, as it makes an ass out of you and me, here I am deciding it is time to stop being an ass, because I am tired of him hiding behind me like that. 

I have taken the brunt for long enough and am determined to put the things I have learned since then into practice, because I will not take blame for doing enabling things that divert the attention from where it is truly needed and help him project things on me.  I was and am tired of being a dartboard for him and simply done with being an easier target to avoid things he does not like within his own mind. In essence, I am done being a victim of a bully that I love unconditionally by trying to control things I couldn’t, which was done because of his inability to handle uncomfortable and painful things.

I refuse to feel like that ever again, and while I feel guilt and shame for not being strong enough sooner, it truly is motivating me more than anything else, because I refuse to let our children live the life and feel the way I allowed and perpetuated any longer, simply because I had guilt for abandoning my own family before and swore to not do it again, and the fear of what might happen if I just did it again.  I cannot and will not, even if I am not perfect, I am striving for progress, not perfection, at keeping myself and my children healthy, including communicating of boundaries and respect…of that, you can take to the grave with me.


He admitted feeling lonely, missing someone to hold, and confusion about a current situation with a friend he was dealing with.  A sadness filled his words and as much as I wanted to comfort him, I had to choose my words carefully, since I actually feel less lonely within the last month, than I have in the past 7 years or so, at a minimum, and the reason for the opposite feelings was one of the issues that had caused so much conflict between us for so long.

I do not think he is ready to hear how lonely I really was for so long, as words he spoke to me when I mentioned it over time come back to the forefront, reminding me I should have been thankful that he wasn’t just out drinking and cheating, sitting at home with me instead, and claiming I was too needy and clingy.  While I agree that I should have been, and was, thankful that he was in the same home as me, it was always a conflict within me as to why I felt so lonely, even while being grateful in many ways for his presence.  It took me a long time to get to the point of being able to put it to words, and when I tried to explain it a few years ago, continually trying to find other analogies to help him understand, though it was met with his defenses going up again.

After living with him so long, then spending time away from each other for business trips before, as well as after, our daughter’s hospital stay, I came to the unnerving realization that I felt lonely most often when I was in the same vicinity as him, though I had only barely looked at the full depth of that to figure out why exactly, about 7 years ago.  As I dug deeper into my heart and soul to find clarity, what I came to know, without any shred of doubt, that, for me, the often shared quote regarding being alone was the point blank truth of what it really means to be lonely.

“I used to think that the worst thing in life was to end up alone.  It’s not.  The worst thing in life is to end up with people who make you feel all alone.” (attributed to Robin Williams most often)

We had painstakingly ceased to stop truly interacting, other than the dance of conflict and then shutting down and coming together again for a short time, to then repeat the process, and I began to feel as if I was simply a piece of comfortable furniture that brought him peace and contentment.  I felt taken for granted.  I felt that I was in a home with a visible ghost that could not, or would not, communicate with me, and I could not touch the soul that I could see.  I felt as if I was bound by obligation to deny my needs and desires, especially when I asked directly, and was shunned in many ways, of which, the worst seemed to be just the silent rejection of ignoring.

So many things that left me to come to those dramatic conclusions of how to explain the dire loneliness I felt, and regardless of what examples I could use to express how often he shunned me and left me alone without even leaving my presence, I felt guilt for needing something he seemed not to need, and that which seemed to be too difficult for him to put forth effort for very long until we slipped back into what he felt was a comfortable routine.

I felt my self-confidence take on a two steps forward and one step back routine and I truly questioned how awful I must have been to have my own husband ignore actually interacting with me in favor of fantasies within television and solitary video games, going so far as to not even notice on many occasions standing in front of him naked, trying to gain his attention.  It eroded my self-worth, feeling as if I was not worth breaking away from anything, even for a few moments, for physical, let alone emotional, connection from someone I thought was a soul mate and professed the same in return.

I knew he struggled with depression and low feelings of self-worth, though it truly seemed as if no matter how many compliments I gave or how often I told him I wanted him, physically or emotionally, he was a hole that kept getting deeper and sucking more of me down with him.  He showed all the signs of depression, including a more withdrawn demeanor, so I tried to be as compassionate as I could, though to hear the venom from him when I would ask for some small form of letting me into his life and soul telling me that I was being too nosy and that men don’t discuss their feelings, among other shunning remarks, I got wore out and began to move to feeling angry and indignation at him pushing away the one person who swore to be his best friend forever.

It was so lonely to be in the same house together, yet he was in another room spending hours relaxing with some form of electronics, and would get upset with me for interrupting his time of relaxing.  I was shunned from having general conversations, especially if during a television show or while he was playing a game, then when a compromise was made that I could speak with him during those times, he wouldn’t actually break away from what he was doing to concentrate on what I was saying.  I felt like I was just background white noise to him, and when I would ask, especially when discussing something I felt was important, for him to acknowledge me and look at me from time to time instead of reading or typing at the same time I was speaking, I was accused of even more neediness and unrealistic expectations.

It broke my heart, and my soul, so I began to learn how to comfort myself for a time.  I would go to bed alone, more often than not actually, longing for him to be with me, and I would cry myself to sleep, then feel shame when I was told the next day or later that he came to bed after I was asleep but couldn’t wake me up to cuddle, let alone anything further.

I admit that I did every single thing I could think of to get the intimacy my soul was aching for, not simply physically, but, again, emotionally and in a way, spiritually.  The more I tried to be intimate, the more he pushed away, for reasons I still am not aware of, and honestly, the reasons are not as important now as they once were, for if they are comfortable to him and something he does not want to change about himself, then there is no reason for me to continue to wish I knew and let it be.  With that being said, though, I know without a doubt what it is I need, and a very strong bond of intimacy is what I need.  If he could not, or would not, let go of whatever it was that was holding him back from connecting with me like I needed, then I had to let go of him instead of trying to chase him and entice him to move towards me.

It is still painful to keep him at an arm’s length, because I always wanted to be close to him, yet he was a ghost of something undead always within my presence, ready to lash out when I began my travels of being comfortable enough with myself to enjoy being alone without feeling lonely more often than not.  Jealousies became even more frequent as I began moving towards something healthier and I shared my time with others instead of being a comfortable chair he would notice was gone, though never sat in it, if it was more animate.  I still try to put forth effort, though through as long as this has been an issue between us, I became more detached, though not any less full of love and support.  These concepts and discussions have created more conflict than I ever intended, especially when I wanted to know what I could do to better the situation so he didn’t feel jealous and speak our needs and wants instead of the unspoken expectations we kept failing to meet.

I am unsure how to be supportive as he travels a new path and see how, so far, it leaves him feeling lonely, unloved, unwanted, and confused.  I hold back a lot from him in the short times we speak, for while I want to be supportive, there is a part of me wanting to remind him that i had felt the same way for an even longer period of time than he has, though I felt that way while I had someone as my husband living with me every day.  The pain of his jealousy, while at times it was possibly valid, more often than not, he failed to see how often he was the one that shunned me and took me for granted which paved the way to be comfortable doing things on my own, enjoying more solitary time away from him, then moving towards realizing that others actually wanted to interact with me and be intimate when he didn’t want to (or maybe couldn’t because of his own inner conflicts), so his jealousy should have been a red flag to look towards himself and find a solution to change things from both sides of the coin, not simply my own.

Give me true solitude, and I enjoy it very much, with only a few twinges of loneliness when I realize I want to share some moment with someone that isn’t there, rather than being in the same house day after day with someone that doesn’t want to share many moments with me and shuns my wanting to share with them as well.  At least when I am alone, I have only myself to rely on to gain comfort from loneliness, sometimes by putting forth extra effort to reach out to someone that may not be very easy to connect with.  However, it seems more preferable than when I was with him like I was before; if I needed or wanted some comfort, he turned me away, so I had to comfort myself while explicitly being told I could not reach out to the one right within my reach without much effort.

 


“It’s too bad that’s the way you see me sometimes…” in addition to a few other statements I noticed, were a way of reaching out to feel better about himself, as in he was reaching for compliments and to feel wanted.  I believe we all tend to do this passive-aggressive move from time to time, though it felt over the years that, as time went on, my attempts at complimenting him and showing him that he was wanted, felt like they became wasted efforts, as his self-confidence dwindled, while insecurities and pain turned into resentments and grew more frequent.  It was a frustrating thing for me, because even I knew deep down, now that I can reflect, I had my own insecurities that swelled to the surface and took on a form that I didn’t acknowledge or handle in a way that was healthy either, and included manipulation of some severe degrees.  I even manipulated his family in attempts to avoid certain conflicts and feelings of failure in regards to being able to have what I wanted in life.

At some point I became someone I didn’t want to be, and I felt like I was a caged animal, so I intentionally set about the wheels of motion that has led me to be where I am now.  I became selfish in many ways, yet in others, I actually was still loyal, and that is where so much of my pain resides, even now, when something triggers the memory or brings the anger I had been trying to release up to the surface again.  The few honest confessions from him the last few weeks, especially, has left me going from controlled rage of indignation, to holding onto a thread of hope that the man I thought was hidden deep within him would finally be able to shine on the world.

The first one that comes to mind is how he described one of his female friend’s ex, which in summary came down to this, “He was kind of a douche.  He couldn’t hold down a job and she was working to support him by working 2 jobs and finally she just couldn’t take it.”

He did notice my facial expression change a bit after I initially heard him say that someone was kind of a douche, since I am not used to hearing that phrase come from him, and then I heard the “why” the guy was a douche, which was the bit of the woman working 2 jobs, and she kept it up for 2 years, but she just couldn’t take it anymore.  I kept my composure and didn’t really say anything, which was a good thing, because I think things would have taken a turn for the worse if I said what was frantically running through my head upon soaking in what he was telling me.

“If you think he is a douche for that, then what do you think you are?  Do you realize I never once called you anything like that and yet you feel it’s something I need to get over and you avoid the reasons I have now been working 5 years holding down 2 jobs?  Oh, you think you get to give her a ‘you should never have to do that’ and emotionally, let alone physically, comfort her about her situation but continually refuse to truly apologize to me for doing the same thing?”

Bitter?  You bet your ass!  However, I chose to not be passive-aggressive or spiteful even though I wanted to very badly lash out at that moment and pass along the pain he just dealt to me back at him.  It was tough, but I did it, and I even confronted the pain a little bit later, trying to communicate that the statement stung, and tried to simply say that her situation, for that specific scenario, is eerily similar to what I went through and stuck through for 4 years before really standing my ground and becoming what was, and may still be, seen as even more reason to claim I was giving up and not trying.

I am not sure if he really understood that even though I feel pain about our situation and hearing about something similar to someone else, I wasn’t trying to bring up or hold onto the past, per se, but looking there to find the underlying reason of why hearing or discussing the facts brings about so much venom between us.  Looking at my initial reactions and how I tried to calmly discuss it a few minutes later, I was able to see that the reason I was hurt so much was the denial of individual and mutual realities, which has brought about resentments between the both of us.

For me, it was a door that was never closed because the core reason(s) we got into so much financial problems were never addressed so we could try to find a solution to the problem, not just cover it up.  I don’t like confrontation, though I knew even years before, that confronting things did not need to be an all out war, and if the perceptions were open enough, it could be seen as an understanding and finding a solution that was more of peace, than victor or loser.

I tried, I really did, though at a certain point, I stopped trying because I was trying to carry him along on moving forward and he was slowly losing the momentum to move forward, and he drug me back.

Ironically, he did that literally, as well as figuratively, when it came to me trying to help him sleep in bed as his sleep apnea was worsening as he continued to gain weight.  He would get upset with me for tying to wake him from sleeping in the living room on a chair, and it would sometimes take me an hour or more to roust him so he could lay down in bed instead of rocking forward and backward and his head fall back and forth almost in a whiplash like fashion.  I worried so much about his health, that his apnea would wake me up in the middle of the night, which became so frequent that I had to face reality for what it was, and we had no life insurance, one thing we cut back on prior to me getting a 2nd job and, the fact of the matter is, we kept the full load of cable and spent in a way we never should have.

I felt guilty for allowing the life insurance to be dropped, because his health was spiraling out of control, and it was a subject that he didn’t like about himself, which therefore was a land mine field if you dared to even tiptoe near it.  Talk of his weight, not even to ridicule, but to genuinely express concern, was met with disdain and anger.  Talk of his sleep and my manipulative tactics as well as directly confronting it was met with resentment for trying to control him.

I admit, I was trying to control him, though I thought it was what was best at the time, because I was concerned and didn’t want to see him suffer as it seemed like he was.  I manipulated him in many ways, tying every known method I could find, to try to take care of him and keep him from a fate I feared he was nearing every day.  It does not matter what my intentions were, because no matter the intention, it was not right of me to try to control him like that.

Even though I can look at it like that, it still brings me pain to know that he views me so negatively and feels I gave up or did not try hard enough, especially within the time frame he gave me, of at least the last 4 years.  I saw the last 6 years, especially, as trying harder than I ever did before, even though I did have my times of yes, giving up because I needed the break from sheer mental, physical and emotional exhaustion from trying to hold it all together and control things I couldn’t and shouldn’t have controlled.

At some point, yes, I said that if he was not willing to do the one thing I asked him to do to help us find solutions to problems that had been and continue to be the exact same problems wrapped up in different topics at times, but always the same core issues at the heart of it, by going to marriage/couple’s counseling with me to have someone unbiased helping us mediate and learn to communicate the difficult things instead of being so abusive to each other, then there really was no marriage and I wanted a divorce.

My asking and stating what my deal breaker was has never been done by manipulation and stated multiple times before I filed for divorce, even documented and saved electronically.  I tried…yet the fear and guilt of losing the one true thing I always wanted, a real family that stuck together, is what kept me in the habit for so long.  No matter how bad it got and how I didn’t want to be married to my husband any longer, I wanted the family unit together as much as I wanted to breathe, though as I let certain distractions in life to over take me, I began to realize that, in the silence, the reality was that I focused so much on saving my marriage and trying to cling to a family, that I didn’t pay attention to the fact that I was on a path of destroying it in some very unseen ways.

It was then that I knew I needed to change directions and focus on what the reality was, which all seemed to have really come to a head when our daughter was in the hospital for 5 days being evaluated for failure to thrive.  Those 5 days put my whole world on it’s side, and I knew, without any shred of doubt, that it was time for me to do some serious soul searching if I was going to give our children a healthier life than what I had.  I began my journey there, and it is hardly over yet, with even more to be learned as I continue to move forward from the past I let get out of control by trying to avoid it instead of dealing with it in a healthy way.

 


I cannot seem to get his words out of my head for very long, before some new circumstance or discussion drags the bones from the grave and I repeat the process all over again; optimism, criticism, avoidance, pain, anger, sorrow, apologetic, guilt, and forgiveness, as well as denial thrown in to cause more confusion.

The first thing that hit me very hard was an emotional night around each other, discussing things that were painful, and I asked about his potential new love interest that had been a topic of discussion off and on for the previous year or so.  I thought his facial expression belied a profession of nothing had gone on other than “hanging out”, though the possibility of an intimate encounter had been offered, yet I let it pass without pressing further.  I just had a feeling that he wasn’t being totally honest with me, which is something I have emphatically stated as something I needed in my life multiple times over the years, but especially within the last 2 or 3, certainly.

Then there wasn’t much said until I sent a joke to lighten the mood that had been brewing horribly for a while, and it ended up actually being a reality, when it wasn’t intended to be. That might have been my manipulative tactic back due to some statements I had felt were guilt inducing and manipulative he stated previously within the previous weeks that I did not deal with at the time, including asking about me taking our children on his custody time in a way that, if I said no, would possibly come across or used in a way to state that I was saying no because I didn’t care about our children or some other form of twisting reality, and I wasn’t going to continue that game. I’m not sure if that was really the reason, though due to the emotions I had openly shared to him in one way or another, I can see how it was, even though it was not meant to be anything other than sharing my honest thoughts about the current situation.

Then there was the next day where my brain had seemed to soften it’s bitterly cold grip of my heart, feeling that maybe some of his resentment towards me had begun to melt just a little bit and just a bit safer to be who I really am as a person towards him.  Another joke to lighten an emotional statement of appreciation for something other than his icy demeanor, as of late, and the door seemed to open just a little bit more, even if only a centimeter or two.  I made the mistake of grabbing onto that just enough to let other things affect me just a bit too much.

I then received an unexpected message when he knew I was finally out socializing for the first time in weeks, taking a break from working non-stop on things around me that seemed to be reminders of the ghost I seemed to be surrounded by, even though the presence wasn’t of someone dead.  I did not do it to hurt him, as far as changing things and cleaning things that had been neglected for many years, though it was for other reasons, one of which included purging some resentment I had that was originally brought about by the guilt he laid on me for so long.  His message was one that seemed sincere and he genuinely was reaching out to me.  Then his jealousy came through, yet again, and I received another manipulative message that he wished he had such a large social circle to engage with and flirted suggestively that I could return home to get attention from him.  I should have ignored it, though I didn’t, and commented that having a large social circle really wasn’t what it seemed like it would be cracked up to be.  I used an analogy that I’d rather run around with 4 quarters in my pocket, rather than 100 pennies, as if these represented the number of friends that give me, metaphorically speaking, the same amount of attention in the end.

The next day he contacted me again, asking a question that baited me into answering whether or not I made it home at all the night before, or whether I had stayed somewhere else and couldn’t answer his question honestly.  I admitted that I had not gotten home yet when I answered him, and he sounded dejected and said he didn’t figure on the fact that I might not be back home the previous night. I know his reactions of disappointment hit me when, a few hours later, I found myself sending him a picture of a neat picture of a flaming skull, the background was red, the skull faded with the background so all you really see are the black voids of a skull, and yellow hued flames dancing on it.  His statement, after an admission of the picture being very cool, was one which he would consider, if I said it now as he did, as manipulative and guilt inducing.

“It’s too bad that’s how you see me sometimes…”

I knew it was manipulation, though I thought I would play along in a way, just to keep some peace even though I knew I was enabling and playing the codependent part again. He fails to remember, or doesn’t accept as the case may be, the reality that he is just as manipulative as me, and we have this abusive habit that I am desperately trying to break free from.  I’m tired of the habit…

I am ready to change this part of me, because it is too unhealthy for not only me, but our children as well, and I cannot teach them how to be healthy if I continue down a path of holding onto such unhealthy habits, which will be passed down to them.  I choose to learn how to do things differently, because I will not be a slave to any label, when I know that I don’t like how I am as a person because of that label.  I do not have to be “too independent” or “too set in my ways” or “too codependent” or “too emotional” or “too serious” or “too anything” if I choose to not be one extreme or the other and strive for balance and maintaining health, instead of throwing it away because I would rather live in the comfort of not trying, because of the fear of failure or not doing something perfectly.

 

A Bitter Reality

December 13, 2012


First song that sets the backdrop for this part of my life has got to be “Narcissistic Cannibal” by Korn, with the raw and deep emotions in not only the tone of the voice, but in the message it actually conveys within the lyrics. This applies to a few people in my life only and things I keep in my life when I probably shouldn’t let some things just continue to be status quo…

“Don’t wanna be sly and defile you
Desecrate my mind and rely on you
I just wanna break this crown
But it’s hard when I’m so run down…”

I truly am run down from trying to maintain a status that flexes to and fro, with hidden expectations that turned to resentments, between someone who is to never to break a promise yet striving for perfection, and the most vile person that quits when they promised they never would. I want to stop wearing this invisible crown that changes on a dime, and I never know what will be blamed once I started to rely so much on you. My mind has been ravaged in ways that cannot begin to be told, sending it bouncing to extremes from one end of the pole to the other.

“And you’re so cynical, Narcissistic Cannibal!
Got to bring myself back from the dead!…”

I have always been to blame for the problems, and he always wanted to be right, no matter what the actual cost was, and I accepted it for a time, being dragged away from who I was towards what I know was dead…my hopes and dreams of further education and exploration of life, with someone I would be honored to call a life partner, best friend, soul mate, lover, and maybe even husband…while helping them grow in whatever ways they may want.

“Sometimes, I hate, the life, I made
Everything’s wrong every time
Pushing on I can’t escape
Everything that comes my way
Is haunting me taking its sweet time
Holding on I’m lost in a haze
Fighting life to the end of my days…”

I hate that I let my life get this way. I rushed into something because I felt the hurt of an unspoken rejection. I was rescued right when I was close to both making it completely on my own and losing it all because of one wrong move fueled by good intentions. I took words at face value and chose to ignore behaviors that were abusive, and even fell victim to being the attacker, so I own up to making it worse, or at least not actively better. I take steps forward, seeking outside help, for I feel it’s taking so painstakingly long and I have these hurdles that keep popping up that I have to continue conquering to get to where I want to be and letting go of that toxicity because I won’t stop having dreams and goals just because of you.

“Don’t wanna be rude but I have to
Nothing’s good about the hell you put me through
I just need to look around
See that life that has come unbound…”

The Hell you put me through has some happy moments, sometimes as small as pebbles, some a bit larger like a smooth skipping stone, and only a couple large rocks, filed away in my mind, heart, and soul. The effects of adding other stones on top of those, as they were held to the limbo status, because of the fears you carried and I had to hold as well because you chose to deny them, tossing them behind you, not realizing they landed right in front of me in my path of you. I held my stone but dropped in pace behind you slightly. With each denial of the reality I spoke of, I added my own stones inside me so I could focus on moving the stones you kept laying in my path, trying desperately to be what you said I was, yet continually had more stones added in front of me you expected me to work a way around to find you again, so I eventually started tossing a few stones your way as well as I wore further and further down. Once the stones got to be too great for me to bear, I finally saw that for me to lose the burden I was carrying and tossing, I had to toss the stones a different way, whether it was knocking two stones together to break them into smaller and more manageable sizes or acknowledge the size that they are and toss them beside me to mark my path…

And now is where the next song in the backdrop of my life starts chiming in, “Breaking The Habit” by Linkin Park, which I will break down in my next entry, because I know I will break the habit that has taken over in direct as well as insidious ways, and not only survive, but also thrive, even if only emotionally…


I have been asked so many times about why I don’t leave the ones that hurt me long before I do. My level of patience, or need for martyrdom as some may see it, has left people amazed in a concerned way, as well as appreciative when that patience is bestowed upon them. I’ve had to try to explain why I don’t cut ties when others would and suggest, though none of the answers I have given just fit quite right. I’ve been considered, at a minimum, co-dependent or needy, and at worst, a close to psychotic drama queen. Either way you look at it, people don’t understand, plain and simple, and I’ve been nervous to ever really tell the entire truth of it all, though most that know me well had long ago read between the lines.

I hadn’t been able to fully be able to put it to words within the last year or so, but I ran across a blog I wrote just over 6 years ago about recently reconnecting with a very old friend…the first friend I looked for when I started on a social networking site. Within a short statement written about my friend, I made a promise to him, and even to those others that could fit the descriptions. With that said, I hope I can finally clear the air about the “why” and let others find this instead of me needing to say it again out loud, because I wouldn’t be able to stop the emotions from completely overwhelming me.

From November 13, 2006:

“…The memories are bittersweet, as the time was very tough for both of us, but somehow, our friendship kept us both alive.  He was the one that I was closest to, and I don’t think I have ever had a friend since then that has even come close to him.

Life works in strange ways, and I will always regret those words I never said that were in my heart and I will regret that we ever drifted apart.  I hope to keep his friendship this time and never let it go, for he meant more to me than some will ever realize.

He was my rock and shoulder to cry on when there was absolutely nobody else.  He was a gentleman and always was kind to me, even when he was being brutally honest.  He made me laugh at some of the most critical times in my life, keeping me from literally going insane.  Our times together in the past will never be forgotten, and hopefully more memories will be made from this point forward.

I am so glad we are able to start again!  You know I care about you, and always have, no matter how life stood in the middle of us!  Even leaving things in the past, I still apologize that I was not the friend that I should have been in the end.  I have grown enough to know that the nearest and dearest should always be that way, and I refuse to let that happen again.”

I really loved him, and do to this day, yet denied it for a long time, fearful of the depths and raw power I felt about him while feeling regret and shame when I realized I had mistaken feelings instead of communicating after the damage had already been done. Our friendship drifted apart in small ways at first, and it hurt me more than he ever knew, or could even probably understand, and again, I sought to put the pain behind me and deny it was even there, so I pushed away further to try to get over him.

We never really officially dated and we were not actually a couple, though I know how much I wanted to be. We needed each other in so many ways, yet we always seemed to focus on how we wanted each other in so many innocent ways, and always knew that it was okay to actually need the other person from time to time. It was mutual respect and faith that we wanted to be there for each other, including the worst of times, to hopefully bring about some light when looking back in the dark.

I would have married him in a heartbeat, and I had no doubt mother wouldn’t find fault in him in a way that she would not give her blessing, which she has withheld that blessing for anyone even as of today. There was something about him that I could not, and still cannot, describe as to why I loved him so much and wanted more than just a friendship, but it’s something I just can’t deny.

I apologized for mistakes I made in the demise of our friendship that lasted roughly 6 or 7 years, though with his confessions over the last 6 years of rebuilding our friendship, I felt what I wrote that night says it in the most profound and naked way.

I promised the very best friend I ever had, that I would not leave his side, ever again, because I do not think I could ever go through that kind of pain again and survive emotionally. I will not let anyone that touches me deeply like he did leave my life where both of us have that type of pain that can be heavy burden to bear when you truly love someone.

Thank you, Doctor or whoever decides what is healthy or how it should be done, but at least for me, when it comes to those I honestly love, I would rather take the small doses of sharp but short pain during those lost 6 or 7 years, than take the large doses of soul aching pain tortuously drawn out in that same time frame.

I made a promise, and I intend to keep it, regardless of whether I end up where I always wanted to be with them or not…

I had absolutely nobody in my life and tried to do it on my own, until I met someone that became not only what I needed, but also wanted, in my life. I had nothing, but felt I had everything, and I gave that up too easily, and realized too late, that for so many years, I never had the one thing I always truly wanted, and honestly needed…my best friend. I do not want to ever leave others to feel the same way I did…