Where The Truth Lies

June 5, 2012

Where The Truth Lies

Keep me grounded in reality,
Don’t pull me along a rainbow
Chasing a pot of gold non-existent;
I wonder if this life could be so hollow.
The times our bodies met with true passion,
Powerfully honest and profound;
Only to me it may actually be
And it may have simply been my heart’s sound.
Tell me how insane I must have been
To feel and see your cloak drop
If only for a small moment.
While my heart did not stop,
I opened further to full accept what you offered.
Tell me it was all just dreams.
Tell me I don’t know you that well.
Tell me it is not as it seems.
Keep me at bay for as long as you like,
Though tell me once more
How to tell which of your words are actually lies,
So I can stop my soul from being so sore.
Tell me I did not see the truth,
The truth you try so hard to hide;
How comfortable you can be when you give in
To your honest and heartfelt emotional side.
Fears of what could be the actual truth of it all,
Seem to melt in those moments I see
Making you question what you swore to hold in concrete,
So tell me again just how crazy I must be.

©Ami May 2012

For Tonight

June 5, 2012

For Tonight

For tonight,

I don’t want you to think,

I want you to feel…

I want you to feel me…

I want you to let me feel you…

And if you are able to,

I promise this will be

A night you will never forget

And one you won’t ever regret.

©Ami May 2012

It Was Today

May 30, 2012

“It Was Today”

Today is the day I realized,
I could not change my feelings;
While they may seem idealized
They rest so much deeper than that.
Tender and caring, you see,
While humility and appreciation
Shown to more than simply a degree,
Yet my smile you were not able to notice.
You have softened a bit,
If I am not far mistaken,
So now I should admit
That trying to build this tough wall,
Wore me down more than I intended.
Layers were being built upon layers,
Closing the gaps that needed to be mended,
Then just as I got the hang of it,
You show your true rhyme
And the truth I hide behind the wall now tumbling
Is that my soul is truly sublime.


©Ami May, 2012

Hypocritical Stances?

April 11, 2012

My mind has been consumed the last few days with some fragments of conversations that I just cannot seem to understand with any sort of logic.  I do not like and try desperately not to be judgmental, however, I cannot seem to find the compassion it takes to overlook a few key points in a couple of conversations with someone I care about and not be judgmental or question what logic there truly is to the completely hypocritical statements made.

The most complex and confusing stance seems to stand out more than any other I have ever faced in my life, so I am very troubled and trying desperately to find some logical explanation that will help me truly understand, otherwise, I fear that as it stands now, I found a deal breaker that could potentially break just how close my friend and I become that I thought I would never find.  The dilemma posed was that an addict in recovery asked someone I know to help them with a project, and for payment, they would be willing to offer sex if there was no monetary way for repayment of services rendered.  My friend was appalled by this proposition of sex as payment for help, and while I agree with that stance, my friend could not see the mirror I showed of their own actions and how eerily similar they treated others.  He could not see the similarities that would make someone question why he would find the offer of sexual repayment as degrading to one woman, but not another.  Here in-lies the confusion and hypocritical statements that I am seeking understanding and peace to overcome.

My friend is a “ladies man” by some standards, a “man-whore” by other standards, a “player” by yet other standards, and I am beginning to believe he may actually have some more deep seeded issues that go way beyond just your stereotypical “perpetual and proud bachelor”.  With that being said, his list of sexual conquests is very long and lengthy, something he seems to be more proud of than anything, and holds very little remorse for any hurt he has actually caused any of these women, or others in their lives that he affected.  He is a self-proclaimed “attention whore” and selfish (and are part of yet another hypocritical stance for discussion) and has confided some statements that, whether true or just a way to “protect” or “respect” my feelings in a way he thinks is right, put off the impression that he borders on truly psychotic or sociopathic in his attempts at providing himself with as much sexual variety and make sure a constant supply of women used for sexual release or pleasure.

When he told me about a woman who was seeking assistance and very bluntly proposed sex as payment for services rendered, my mind immediately went to how he treats many women as well as how he confessed that he had kissed this woman on the lips even though he felt she was “just a friend”, and that if sex were to happen between them, it would be a while down the road yet.  I tried to speak calmly and compassionately while still stating a rebuttal after he told me how he felt she was just degrading herself by “prostituting” herself, though the similarities to his own life were too compelling to simply leave in silence.  I have no doubt that because this woman was so honest about her past addictions to have confessed to prostitution to receive things fueling her addiction, my friend “saw” this situation as completely different from how I viewed it in relation to his path in life.  I was not sure how to state my case without coming across too harshly or critical, but I knew I had to try.

I asked my friend how this situation was any different from a situation he was in with a woman he was currently having sex with on a fairly regular basis, as well as how he handled things with women outside of the current frequent rendezvous. When I brought this point up, he seemed truly offended and became quite defensive in his responses, though they did not seem logical and seemed to miss the point I bluntly stated.  He most certainly would and had use sex to get what he wanted from a woman if she was willing to pay for, or buy him, or give him, whatever it was he wanted, but he did not see that as the same because he had never been at a point of not having the ability to actually pay for what he wanted.  He also could not see that women he gave time and attention to were being just as degraded when he only was spending time with them for “payment” of sex.

One of his current conquests is also in some life situations that leave my friend helping her out monetarily and in other ways that give her what she wants, and the entire point of them meeting was so he could find and have a new woman to have sex with.  He viewed her as strictly, pardon the crass way of stating this, nothing more than a piece of ass, so he was completely willing to play any mental game necessary to achieve the goal of having sex with her, which included giving her things she wanted from him, emotionally, monetarily, and included physical possessions.  At one point within the last month, he looked at me and told me that if she didn’t have money to pay for things she wanted that he had or could get for her, then she was going to have to pay with sex.

I seriously cannot see the difference, other than one person admitted to actually prostituting herself prior to meeting my friend, so the bias is present in his perception of her extremely blunt request and offer of payment, where other women have not admitted to prostitution, and because my friend sees these other women as “conquests” with a much heavier emphasis on flirting, seduction, and innuendos that nothing is outright spoken as a sexual proposition.  Even with a possibly skewed perception, I just cannot see much of a difference and cannot fathom how one is degrading and the other isn’t.

Can anyone actually explain this to me so I can see the difference and see how one is more degrading than the other?

I actually said that I gave the “prostitute” (I don’t want to use that term, but for clarity’s sake, it’s what I’m doing) a lot of credit for being absolutely bold and blunt with no room for misunderstanding.  What makes this even more confusing for me in regards to seeing the difference, and where I give this woman a lot of credit for being so upfront and honest, is that my friend kissed her on the mouth prior to this request…”as a friend only”.  This led to a misunderstanding when they spent time together only a few days before this proposition, and I think my friend continually leads women on by being extremely intimate with them when he has either no intention of anything truly intimate and deep, or it has become such a habit of his to do these type of things to women with a back-burner goal (or front burner goal) of having a sexual encounter with these women that they are completely thrown off guard when he decides something different from his actions profess.

He said that if she wanted to actually have sex with him, that was one thing, but to offer it as payment for him helping her with something was degrading.  So if she flirted, seduced, made innuendos that let him know she was interested in sex with him, and then asked to have him help her out, without offering sex as payment outright, he would have seen it as non-degrading and more worthy of his time?  If so, does this mean that “games” and ego stroking are less degrading than purely blunt honesty?

Does he not see that maybe the way he outwardly treats women puts off an instant impression of a “player” that really only wants sex anyway?  Does he not think that in a social setting, the more women’s numbers you ask for, regardless of platonic or sexual intentions, will eventually lead to women being a bit hesitant to give out their numbers, regardless if you are a “stalker” or not?  He is charming and his reputation spreads fast, so while he gets offended that women rebuff or are hesitant to be social with him, regardless of innocent intentions, women to tend to pick up on those that ultimately have the goal of having sex with you.  Most women do have that innate sense about men and how they act around them to at least be jaded in trusting that a man wants to be “just friends” platonically.  If he puts off the impression and a reputation of how many numbers he seeks out, let alone how many women he flirts with or kisses, let alone anything more physical than that, then he should look at himself and be thankful when women are blunt in offering what is in at least the back of his mind anyway…or at least give them more credit than to say what they are doing by being blunt is degrading.  Of course, that is just my humble opinion on that one.

Personally, I think it is degrading to him to treat women in the fashion he does, as well as degrading the women he encounters that are so willing to give him sex as payment for any help he may give them, no matter how large or small.  I brought it to his attention that while he wouldn’t have any form of sex with a man for things he has wanted or needed in life, he was very willing to have sex with women to get what he wanted or needed, regardless of whether he had or did not have the means to obtain what he wanted or needed outside of sexual favors.  I also brought it to his attention that he was willing to expect sex as payment for some things he does for some women in his life.  How is that not degrading and disgusting for him to do, let alone how is that not degrading and disgusting for the women that know that he will expect payment in the form of sexual favors if they do not have money to repay him?

He cannot seem to handle the mirror of his life when it is shown.  Of course, it is hard for anyone to truly look in the mirror of themselves when it is shown.  It saddens me greatly to hear his views on this and to see that he is as low as those he condemns.  He is judgmental and critical of some, but sees what he does as perfectly acceptable and something worth commendation at times.

He is not the most selfish and self-serving man I have ever known in my life (an ex boyfriend of mine takes the cake on that one), but it is so disheartening to see how the pathology of his mind works.  I even have gone so far as to think and feel that he is a sex addict of some form or another, and have actually begun to visit a support group to help me, as his friend, deal with the extremely degrading things I see and hear.

Then again, I have been taken advantage by him and fallen for his charms before as well, so I have also been seen as just as degraded with no self-respect as he has viewed this one woman, by the ones that care about me as well.  I admit to my hypocrisy by allowing myself to fall into that charming web, though I know I had and have enough self-respect to do self-reflection and get help for the “codependent” and “enabling” tendencies that leave me easy prey to giving off the impression that I am degrading myself and that I have no self-respect.

Now if I could just understand why this one woman, who should have been given more credit for being blunt instead of playing games, is seen as degrading herself, while it is completely overlooked and even celebrated when done by others, maybe my mind would stop thinking of example upon example of how so many situations are similar, and just as degrading.  I keep trying to understand, throwing my mind into the rules of debate and trying to see both sides, but I just cannot find it in my brain, or my heart, to see how they are so different…and I wish I could, because now, my mind and heart are viewing someone I care about deeply as very degrading of himself and women and pathological.

Finding My Spiritual Ways

January 24, 2012

After reading more of  “Beyond Religion¹“, I felt compelled to write out some of the thoughts and feelings this book seemed to incite today.  First and foremost, this book has not given me much new information, but it has given me the confidence to believe and act as I always have tried to do.  It has touched me deeply to read what I have felt, searched for, and tried to live daily, written int words and explanations that seem to be elusive to me when I have tried to explain it to others before.

I find so many things in life to be “sacred”, at least in one sense, and find that the times, places, things and even people who touch my soul are numerous.  This, however, has brought about conflicts and confusion, as well as left me open to interpretations that I cannot seem to correct by simple explanations.  I find myself being defensive when I try to explain these moments in my life that are almost indescribably, as others have a difficult time understanding the intensity of some moments in my life.

I have always found some sort of solace in writing, whether it be poetry, lengthy letters, or even fictitious stories.  The unfortunate part of this is when that part of baring my soul is mocked and I am somehow seen as unable to communicate well, at least verbally, and the soul-full words that flow through my pen in waves are seen as too lengthy to read and seen as more of a chore than a gift of a part of myself for the recipients.  I suppose, then, that maybe I should possibly look at shortening my novel length letters and epic poems, at least, to see if I can get to a more concise way of communicating my thoughts.  Or should I view it as that those that mock and criticize my soul are really the ones losing out, and I do not have to change who I am and how I find my inner peace, share parts of myself, find my spirituality, or how I nurture my soul and find serenity?

¹”…Perhaps the greatest value of [the sand tray] is the ability to bypass the cognitive processes and go straight to my soul.  It’s symbols and images allow me to access my inner wisdom without getting entangled with the verbal and intellectual web of my brain.  the creative process involved in doing [a sand tray] allows me to connect with a deep place in my soul.  After doing [a sand tray], I usually feel as though something in me has shifted and I am ready to move on.”

While this was quite profound and spoke exactly what I feel when in my most freely artistic moments when things simply flow out of me in waves, it is not mean to discount the fact that I often times, do have a difficult time speaking what is in my soul aloud and it would be good for me to verbalize it.  While the author used sand tray therapy, I tend to use more “traditional” artistic expression as my own therapy.  I feel that when I speak openly, without the comfort of prose writing first, that the words become glue in my throat.  Some believe this to be some sort of fear of speaking, for some reason, though that could be the farthest thing from the truth.  I am not afraid to speak my feelings, as I speak them often, yet those seem to not be heard.  I speak my soul, things I am passionate about, though if the body language and responses of others show that there is no true interest in my soul, I refuse to wast my time or theirs by continuing to bare my soul to those who cannot accept or find interest in that part of me.

There are also times that what I feel is so intense that when I try to put it into words verbally, the part of my brain that tries to rationally put arguments together cannot fathom the irrational and chaotic phrases resting just below the surface.  My brain cannot seem to work through and apply logical and rational words to the overwhelming thoughts and emotions of the inspiring or poignant moments I would love to share with others, and there are very few people who have the patience to listen to incoherent thoughts to piece together the confessions falling past my lips.

I have also noticed that within this book I find my sexuality to be a very large avenue to my spirituality.  I have always found sex to me more than simply “having an orgasm” or “it just feels good” or “just getting off”.  While these are feelings sex invokes within me, I find sex quite sacred in some regards…and to the criticism of others.  I may not have a large sexual history with a long list of multiple partners, but what I have experienced has helped me value sex in a light that some cannot understand, while having an open enough attitude to see the value of other “non-traditional” views of what can be considered “sacred” when it comes to sex.

I can honestly say that I have experienced sexual encounters that I have only been able to describe as “intense” that have left me feeling as if my partner and I truly became one soul in that time.  I can honestly admit that I have found what some have called “nirvana” or “utopia”; an indescribable euphoric place and time.  It was almost an “out-of-body” experience that left me truly feeling as if I was flying and in another dimension or universe and I have been blessed with that experience more than once.

One partner, in particular, has given me more of those experiences than any other lover, which is probably why it was/has been so hard to end the relationship.  While the relationship itself was not healthy and abusive in many regards, the sexual aspect of the relationship transcended all of that and took my soul to another level where I learned to appreciate his soul in its most barren, vulnerable and honest state.

I have noticed that foreplay does tend to intensify the sexual experience, for me at least, though I don’t believe that these transcendent moments are specifically tied to foreplay, per se.  I do not have to have much foreplay, if at all, in one sense, but the mental foreplay of a sexual encounter is something I cannot personally deny as one of the most powerful forms there is to help move the experience into something more than simply “getting your rocks off”.

Maybe I do put a large emphasis on foreplay when others do not.  I also think that possibly, my definitions of foreplay are different than others, which can create hardships when trying to communicate your wants and needs in a sexual relationship.  What I define as foreplay encompasses a very large number of things, from physical touches and sensations, to ambiance and the mental aspects.

I find so many things erotic and sensual, yet I am amazed to an extent at least, at how often others see the same things differently than me.  I am not suggesting I am “right” and they are “wrong”, though I find myself feeling a sense of almost sadness for those that have not experienced so many sensations, especially with a partner you truly enjoy and want to be sexually intimate with to compliment emotional intimacy, or even with a partner you simply are sexually attracted to, which will tend to be seen as being a great lover, not simply just being a good lay or knowing how to have sex.

Maybe I should state it more accurately as I would love to see more people appreciate, enjoy, or allow themselves to be open to letting down their barriers and long standing stances to the possibility of feeling a new sensation…a new viewpoint of what is erotic, sensual, and pleasurable…a chance to be taken to new heights (or depths as the case may be) of a sexual experience and maybe even find their own sense of true freedom there.

Master’s Poem

November 16, 2011

Never wishing to be controlled completely
Gives way to carnal desires
As a beautifully dark romance begins
And a new reality’s song captures me

The loving devotion he shows
In a world he never knew before
Sends shivers up my spine
While longing to continue the exploration

He whispers in my ear while his hands tangle in my hair
My vigilante control loses its power
And I become more vulnerable
Slowly and surely submitting to him

The weight of the collar he chose
Originally felt as cumbersome and rough
Is silk as it slides sensuously against my skin
While he adorns me and claims me as his own

He tugs at my hair firmly but gently
Giving him a better view of his possession
And a smile forms upon his lips
As he gazes into my eyes with hunger

I have fallen into the spell that is my Master
Freely and willingly I seek to please him
For I know that what I give he will return in kind
As I am now his beloved and cherished pet…always.