Hindsight & Being Grateful for Soulmates

December 16, 2015


I’m not sure why I waited as long as I did to post this, however, I wrote about it in my paper journal as well and had a conversation with someone else after I drafted this post that gave me even more insight to myself and leads me to feel that sharing positive experiences I have is worth potential pain it could bring to others if they should happen across this.  I have always gone between over sharing my life’s experiences to completely being isolated with them, though it is something I keep being told by others (especially in their own hindsight) is not something I should really change, even if I am consciously trying to at least finesse the fine balance between being authentically open and honest and having absolutely no filter whatsoever.  Some days my thoughts are ones I wish to at least let others possibly see; if someone can identify with what I share and not feel so alone in the world or think more deeply about their own life, whether I’m told about it or not, then what I share with the possibility of it being available publicly is worth the risk for me.  I have very few secrets about myself that I would not be willing to speak about with people in real life (hey, there’s even a song called “Secrets” that is fairly recent that expresses my attitude about my life/this portion of my willingness to put myself out there publicly), so while I try to keep the identity of those I may speak about as vague as possible, I often think of how easily even paper journals could be published even after my death and secrets revealed then (“The Diary of Anne Frank”, anyone?).  There are many positives that I experience (in addition to the negatives that seem to make me look deeply within myself for clarity and to bring myself to more positive outlooks), and often times I concern myself with how it might affect others if they read some posts I share, though many times, I realize that even a reminder for myself is worth publishing the thoughts, and in many ways, I’m blessed that very few follow this blog and I’m selective in posts that I share on other social networking sites so as to minimize an over exposure publicly to those that know me and those I may mention in posts in real life.

I cannot even begin to express the thoughts and emotions other than to say that no matter what, I have someone in my life of the opposite gender that I know, without a doubt, truly loves me.  It is bittersweet at times to talk to and spend time with him, as the last (almost) 7 years has been fraught with ups and downs, however, the one thing I always will cherish is that we always talked over the problems and he never once really ever verbally assaulted me past saying a few hurtful things that I never felt were abusive. The worst he ever claimed about me was that I dwelled in self pity and was too emotional like “every other woman”, though he never once said I was psychotic or crazy.

I may not have liked what he said to me that made me look within myself more deeply than I wanted to, though he never truly belittled me, and pushed me harder than anyone else ever has.  ‘Tis probably the reason that his admittance of the changes he has seen in me over the course of the last 4 years, especially, meant so much to me and I realized I did not need to defend or explain anymore than I had at that point.  He knew more about me, just as I had known more about him, than either one of us had said, and we both are grateful for how we have brought about such amazing things in each other’s lives.

It is such a wonderful thing to know what a true soulmate is and appreciate it for what it is and be supportive of the path each takes, whether they are on the same path, or different paths that run parallel to each other.  This one has truly shown me what it means to love another unconditionally (of opposite sex, and even more so, transcendent of romantic hopes) outside of a traditional family…

He may not have been right as my life partner, especially at the time of our greatest romantic feelings for each other, though he has forever set the bar high for what I want as far as respect and admire within someone I would want to share my life with in a deeper context than simply a companion to stave off loneliness.

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The Clover necklace I bought for Christmas about 5 years ago that he never wore until 3 years ago...

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Thanking him for telling me things he has noticed in my growth over the past 5 years, especially...

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Ironically, he and I were introduced through another man I was romantically involved with, claiming that the 2 of us should meet because we were very much alike. Granted, I was warned that he was a “man whore”, so I knew up front not to take much seriously or get too emotionally involved, though it probably was because of that which gave me enough patience to get to know who he was past his conquests, and has become the most meaningful friendship of the opposite sex I have ever known.  I speak about him a lot in blog posts and offline; he has a lot of my respect and I know I have his as well after many years.

I will never forget sitting in a restaurant in town when he told me I was “too good” for him, and my admonishment in defense saying that I wasn’t “too good” for anyone, as I was far from perfect myself.  I will never forget another conversation in a restaurant at another point where he proclaimed how much I needed something such as a 12 step group beyond my normal professional therapy sessions.  I have many conversations that I will never forget with him, including the one where I told him bluntly that I felt he was just too scared to let himself get close to me, fearing that I would hurt him as deeply as the last woman that broke his heart enough for him to stop introducing women to his mother (until me), and his fear that a relationship meant that he would lose his independence and freedom (mostly untrue, though we both knew there were deal breakers to some degree).  There was a conversation where I pointed out a hypocritical stance he had, in my opinion, which he did not understand, and even the emotional reaction from him regarding me beginning to put down boundaries to respect myself, which all culminated in love between us that cannot be explained in many ways.  It is a deep love and one that has grown in respect over the years…especially when we have both been there for each other supporting each other and pushing each other to become the best versions of ourselves.  We were mirrors of each other…he helped me grow in ways while I helped him grow in ways.  We showed each other sides of ourselves that could be changed so we could blossom into who we were meant to be.

He is an awesome man…and I am glad he has found me worthy enough to continue on with such a close friendship, no matter whether there is any romantic future or not.  He was the first to truly learn how to respect me for who I am, and for that, I will always be grateful.

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