I Never Claimed to be Perfect

December 5, 2015

While there is hope that, in some small chance of fate, that someone I love finds this entry by happenstance, this is more for my own benefit instead of keeping it only to my paper journal that few, if any, ever see regarding the depths of my soul, including admitting to when I know I am, honestly, wrong.

I did something I should never have done, if nothing else, due to respect for someone I love deeply and wish for only the best in their life.  Out of my own desperation, I broke trust and confidence by speaking about problems to mutual people when I know I shouldn’t have.  The reasons for me doing it do not excuse what I did wrong and it does not make me feel any less honest in the admittance of doing things that I should not do.

I felt isolated.  I felt that I had nobody else to turn to, especially when the person I was paying to listen to and help me with the troubles in confidence reminded me that I had to be careful with my words, as I had done previously, for the possibility of mandatory reporting may override every effort I was trying to take in keeping things within the confines of an extremely small circle to ensure the most positive of outcomes.  I felt avoided.  I felt unimportant.  I felt dismissed and that I should not have been taken seriously.  I felt like I was drowning.  I felt like the situation was out of control…or better yet, out of my control…when I desperately did not want it out of my control due to the knowledge that if it was out of my control, I knew what I had to do, which I desperately did not want to do. I had choices and lost my way in the fog that seemed to cloud so much; I reached out to people that I knew (or thought, is more like it) that would take my concerns seriously and, whether or not they took action, would try to at least believe a side of reality that seemed to constantly be denied.  I felt as if I was not supported, believed, or loved.  This led me to the desperate actions that ended up hurting someone’s confidence and trust in who I am and my integrity.  That is a hard fact to accept, however, I know and understand just how much that was a part of the shattering of something that meant so much to me.

I loved her so much that I wanted to desperately bring out the wonderful person that is hidden beneath mountains of pain and coping/defense mechanisms that became part of many items that seemed to shatter the dreams we all had together.  I was desperate to get her the help I had always wished I had.  I was desperate to not let her suffer the same as I did, let alone my own children, and made things worse when it was the furthest thing from my intention.

I loved him so much that I wanted to desperately motivate him to become the wonderful man that is hidden beneath much more than I could even probably imagine.  I wanted to be an inspiration and motivation that I had only received within myself.  I wanted him to face the reality of the situation and give himself the same credit that he wanted me to believe about myself when the situation was reversed.  I was desperate to not let him believe things that he believed about himself, though I felt things should have been done the way I had done them instead of his own path, and I made things worse.

Maybe I do twist things around to get my own agenda.  Maybe I do avoid the reality of things I do, especially when in doing so, I must admit that I could be hypocritical or judgmental.  Maybe I do need to consider admittance into a psychiatric hospital.  Maybe I do…

I make mistakes, just like everyone else, though to be judged as harshly as I have been a multitude of times for the slightest infractions definitely makes me consider those things I do to hurt others when I have the completely altruistic intentions behind those actions.  I lash out emotionally, just as others to do me, and while I may never know whether someone really believes just how poorly I truly feel about it, I know that when I do apologize and try to make amends for things, it is from my soul in admitting to those faults of mine that create conflict instead of harmony, not simply just to make peace.

I truly am sorry for becoming desperate enough to try to reach out to others when I should not have.  It was not from a place of trying to shame or speak poorly of you, though I should never have done it, and from this point forward, all I can do is put my principles of respect above my need to control or force others to be whom I think they can be.  I made a mistake.  I hurt you very deeply.  What you have seen from time to time with that mistake (unfortunately, the mistake has been brought to my attention more than once), is not something I am proud of, especially when I know that actions speak louder than words when it comes to having ethics and principles that I strive to live by.  I am deeply sorry and am striving to learn from those mistakes and become a better person by not repeating the same mistakes again.  I can only move forward to not doing it again, regardless of the reasons that lead me to choose an action that brought me more shame and embarrassment for being that type of person, especially when it was meant from love and caring, not out of spite or to be malicious in nature. It would be a gift to be forgiven, though I know I may never be, and I accept the fact that because of the transgression, there may never be trust built back as strongly as before.

This admission has no agenda behind it other than to help myself move on and remembering this type of transgression’s pain and suffering so as to learn from it so I do not hurt anyone again as deeply as I have because of it…


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