I’m not sure why I waited as long as I did to post this, however, I wrote about it in my paper journal as well and had a conversation with someone else after I drafted this post that gave me even more insight to myself and leads me to feel that sharing positive experiences I have is worth potential pain it could bring to others if they should happen across this.  I have always gone between over sharing my life’s experiences to completely being isolated with them, though it is something I keep being told by others (especially in their own hindsight) is not something I should really change, even if I am consciously trying to at least finesse the fine balance between being authentically open and honest and having absolutely no filter whatsoever.  Some days my thoughts are ones I wish to at least let others possibly see; if someone can identify with what I share and not feel so alone in the world or think more deeply about their own life, whether I’m told about it or not, then what I share with the possibility of it being available publicly is worth the risk for me.  I have very few secrets about myself that I would not be willing to speak about with people in real life (hey, there’s even a song called “Secrets” that is fairly recent that expresses my attitude about my life/this portion of my willingness to put myself out there publicly), so while I try to keep the identity of those I may speak about as vague as possible, I often think of how easily even paper journals could be published even after my death and secrets revealed then (“The Diary of Anne Frank”, anyone?).  There are many positives that I experience (in addition to the negatives that seem to make me look deeply within myself for clarity and to bring myself to more positive outlooks), and often times I concern myself with how it might affect others if they read some posts I share, though many times, I realize that even a reminder for myself is worth publishing the thoughts, and in many ways, I’m blessed that very few follow this blog and I’m selective in posts that I share on other social networking sites so as to minimize an over exposure publicly to those that know me and those I may mention in posts in real life.

I cannot even begin to express the thoughts and emotions other than to say that no matter what, I have someone in my life of the opposite gender that I know, without a doubt, truly loves me.  It is bittersweet at times to talk to and spend time with him, as the last (almost) 7 years has been fraught with ups and downs, however, the one thing I always will cherish is that we always talked over the problems and he never once really ever verbally assaulted me past saying a few hurtful things that I never felt were abusive. The worst he ever claimed about me was that I dwelled in self pity and was too emotional like “every other woman”, though he never once said I was psychotic or crazy.

I may not have liked what he said to me that made me look within myself more deeply than I wanted to, though he never truly belittled me, and pushed me harder than anyone else ever has.  ‘Tis probably the reason that his admittance of the changes he has seen in me over the course of the last 4 years, especially, meant so much to me and I realized I did not need to defend or explain anymore than I had at that point.  He knew more about me, just as I had known more about him, than either one of us had said, and we both are grateful for how we have brought about such amazing things in each other’s lives.

It is such a wonderful thing to know what a true soulmate is and appreciate it for what it is and be supportive of the path each takes, whether they are on the same path, or different paths that run parallel to each other.  This one has truly shown me what it means to love another unconditionally (of opposite sex, and even more so, transcendent of romantic hopes) outside of a traditional family…

He may not have been right as my life partner, especially at the time of our greatest romantic feelings for each other, though he has forever set the bar high for what I want as far as respect and admire within someone I would want to share my life with in a deeper context than simply a companion to stave off loneliness.


The Clover necklace I bought for Christmas about 5 years ago that he never wore until 3 years ago...


Thanking him for telling me things he has noticed in my growth over the past 5 years, especially...


Ironically, he and I were introduced through another man I was romantically involved with, claiming that the 2 of us should meet because we were very much alike. Granted, I was warned that he was a “man whore”, so I knew up front not to take much seriously or get too emotionally involved, though it probably was because of that which gave me enough patience to get to know who he was past his conquests, and has become the most meaningful friendship of the opposite sex I have ever known.  I speak about him a lot in blog posts and offline; he has a lot of my respect and I know I have his as well after many years.

I will never forget sitting in a restaurant in town when he told me I was “too good” for him, and my admonishment in defense saying that I wasn’t “too good” for anyone, as I was far from perfect myself.  I will never forget another conversation in a restaurant at another point where he proclaimed how much I needed something such as a 12 step group beyond my normal professional therapy sessions.  I have many conversations that I will never forget with him, including the one where I told him bluntly that I felt he was just too scared to let himself get close to me, fearing that I would hurt him as deeply as the last woman that broke his heart enough for him to stop introducing women to his mother (until me), and his fear that a relationship meant that he would lose his independence and freedom (mostly untrue, though we both knew there were deal breakers to some degree).  There was a conversation where I pointed out a hypocritical stance he had, in my opinion, which he did not understand, and even the emotional reaction from him regarding me beginning to put down boundaries to respect myself, which all culminated in love between us that cannot be explained in many ways.  It is a deep love and one that has grown in respect over the years…especially when we have both been there for each other supporting each other and pushing each other to become the best versions of ourselves.  We were mirrors of each other…he helped me grow in ways while I helped him grow in ways.  We showed each other sides of ourselves that could be changed so we could blossom into who we were meant to be.

He is an awesome man…and I am glad he has found me worthy enough to continue on with such a close friendship, no matter whether there is any romantic future or not.  He was the first to truly learn how to respect me for who I am, and for that, I will always be grateful.

I feel shame for having to tell my children that Christmas gifts will be smaller in number and value of years past now that I had to break down and buy a new refrigerator today. The Universe has an odd sense of humor; I finally broke down and bought a new refrigerator to replace my 3rd used refrigerator (after the one that was included in the purchase of my home) decided to stop working in the last 5 years (roughly). It must be fate that the main gifts for my children this year were going to be “practical”; my daughter needed a new dresser instead of the one she had with 2 missing drawer fronts and my son needed a new bed box spring to replace the one that has been broken for about 4 years, and now a large chunk of money was placed on my credit card to buy one more practicality instead of any luxuries that we had all wished we could have had.

I’ve been criticized before when asking for “practical” gifts for holidays and birthdays over the years, though I have to say that of many of the things I learned over the years is that my mother gave me the gift of being truly appreciative and grateful of understanding the value in those practical things. I can only hope that when my children become adults that they, too, will be able to look back on this year of necessities over luxuries, and see it as a valuable gift instead of resentment for a great many more items that I could have spent the money on to give them more possessions that aren’t as much as a necessity as a place to rest their head, put their clothes, and keep food they eat from spoiling.

My mother definitely had/has her issues, though I will ever be indebted to her for giving me more gifts at Christmas that I needed than gifts that would not have been as necessary, including the gift of gratitude for what small amount of possessions I do have.  The gift of hindsight to see wisdom instead of entitlement is priceless as I face many choices my own parents had to make.

I had begun to research Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) many months ago, in an attempt to make sense of some of the psychological troubling things going on in my life that were making me feel as if I was going insane, which, in turn, left a few to actually believe I was psychotic and unsafe/unstable as a person, what I learned has been both freeing as well as troubling, as it still is difficult to navigate the emotions that come from this disorder in children.

I am shamed to admit that I believe both of my children suffered from this after looking at the symptoms (only 1 of many available symptoms lists) and reflecting on the life I led during some of their most formative years in an abusive marriage.  I feel guilty that they may suffer from this disorder, or at least have to a degree while some was simply due to their ages, when I know I was working 2 jobs from the time my youngest was about 2 until she was 8, plus in that time I was in the process of trying to divorce and had begun to live part-time outside of the marital home in another city for 4 days a week.  I abandoned my children when they needed me the most and I left them in an abusive situation that I felt I had no real way out of other than to work as much I was (and then begin a home based business where I traveled a lot and even when I was home, was quite often busy with the business aspect, and not there for them emotionally when they needed me to be).  I vowed to stop being so involved in my side business and strictly stick to my full time job (which involved me working 6 to 7 days a week for approximately 5 months or so out of the year), when I knew I was determined to end my marriage, and especially after the final incident between my ex-husband and I ended up with him in jail for domestic assault and a CPS investigation occurred.  I knew I needed to stay at home and focus more on my children, and the guilt of knowing I allowed them to be in a very unhealthy situation drove my motivation in many ways, even though I never really wanted to end my side business since it was something I truly enjoyed and was quite successful with it.

I can look back on things now and see why my children throughout the years had many issues with me being an active parent; I had been in many ways, but once I began working 2 jobs to support the household bills (just to make ends meet), I had left them into the care of my ex-husband who had his own troubles with depression, anger, and poor coping skills when it came to stress.  I wish I had other options, though it was either that I worked 2 jobs, or we would lose our house due to not being able to pay the mortgage (let alone other basic needs), and while I’ve gotten over being bitter about that situation, it definitely was a huge part in how my children have struggled for the last almost 3 years since the domestic assault incident to have connected with me and are now not showing as many symptoms of RAD with continued therapy for each of them, as well as continued effort on my part to enhance my parenting skills.

The very difficult part in this is the isolation I felt in the thoughts of this disorder/other psychological problems as being a very realistic thing happening with hope to overcome, not simply just affecting my own children but also feeling another child I cared for and was close to for a little over 2 years had/has the same disorder that could be overcome with support from various sources.  My children’s father has not been very supportive of therapy efforts for our children over many years (he has been against any form of psychological therapy other than to suggest I seek it out for myself only), though especially within the last almost 3 years, however, he has begun to be less critical of my efforts to have our children continue different forms of therapy.  It also felt like denial and a lack of support in what I felt were potential problems from the father of the other child, though there was nothing I could really do, since it wasn’t my child.  I have never truly felt supported when it came to my own children’s problems, let alone someone else’s child’s problems, and as much as I love the other child that is not mine and tried every thing I could to be there as a loving and supportive parental model for them, the more I did that is suggested to control the disorder, the more chaos and fighting happened that culminated in 2 people (at a minimum, as others were involved, but not on a daily basis) leaving a relationship, a home, my children, and me.  The more I researched this, the “parental figure” that is not the biological mother/father of the child, will usually get the brunt end of the disorder, and unless the biological child’s parent is supportive of the other parental figure, then more chaos and fighting will tend to occur and it tends to be a large factor (if not the largest factor) in many relationships ending.  My children did their fair share of acting out in ways that made it very difficult to co-parent effectively with their biological and non-biological parental figures involved, and I can look back on quite a few things and see that while, at the time, I thought of even a worse scenario than RAD, it definitely fit and explains a lot of the conflict that happened.  Logically knowing all of the information I do up to now makes it a bit easier to put into practice some good general parenting skills, it certainly does not help the feelings I have of being a complete and utter failure as a mother, let alone a woman worthy of a relationship, or coming to grips with some of the very critical remarks about me as a person and parent that I’ve heard over the years (including more than just the last 2 years).

It was heartbreaking to have a child, whom I went to great lengths to show love and affection to as well as make them feel as if they were one of my own even though they were not, no longer in my life, let alone the knowledge of my part in making things worse for everyone involved.  In some ways, though, I know having the father leave me/the relationship and detaching was for the best, especially when it appeared, from my side at least (probable biased/irrational thinking) that led to some resentment, that children could talk about me/others in my family poorly without reproach or confrontation, yet when I reached out to friends for support of the situation that I felt like I was getting totally lost in, I was criticized for “talking shit” and “blaming”. I felt like some sort of double standard that was difficult for me to accept, so I know, logically, that what happened with ending things/the situation as we had known it for a while was for the best of all of us.

I not only saw and admitted to what my own children did, I admitted to times I acted in a way that was more irrational and emotionally reactive instead of the more calm and rational person I have tried to become over the years, and still want to become.  I felt dismissed and I didn’t feel validated, which ended up leading me to act much more emotionally than I wish I would have and know I can control better.  I know I can do better; I want to continue to grow in how to not be as emotional when it comes to handling difficult situations that are triggers to the side of me that deals with stress, so I can become better at being proactive instead of reactive.  It takes practice…something I’ve been determined to consciously be more active in doing each day in some small way or another.

I feel more shame and guilt than I do resentment; my own children appear to have suffered from this disorder, which is guilt inducing in so many ways even though none were officially diagnosed (that I am aware of).  Unfortunately, the shame of being seen as a “bad” parent and avoiding reality made it a difficult thing for me to accept, so I strive to keep working each day on trying to understand the intricacies of some psychological reasons for others’ actions/reactions so it will be easier to forgive and let go of things that ended up invading my dreams and brought me to a psychotic point (not just with parenting and goes as far back as pain I’ve dealt with since a child). I know it’s best for me to accept reality for what it is with my children and continue to learn better parenting skills for their sake, as well as anyone else that enters my life in an intimate relationship of any sort (regardless of it being male or female, platonic or romantic), as I do not wish to make the same mistakes I did before…I never want anyone to suffer the way we all did again…children or adults.

I wish I would have learned about this disorder 3 or more years ago…not only within the last year…as maybe I could have handled things better and not ended up abandoning my own children for so long, let alone another child that really needed a supportive mother figure to not abandon her/shut her out of their life again.

There is so much guilt, heartache, and such a deep sense of loss, on so many levels, and some days, the pain hits out of nowhere, and I feel as if I’ve taken 2 steps forward, then 1 step back.  I know I just need to keep moving forward and learn from all of this…

I was just informed that my ex-husband lost his job on Friday and he did not tell the kids about it yet.  I know I won’t say anything yet to our children; I am sure he is reeling enough from this newest loss and I know child support will not be an issue, so there is no reason for me to say anything at this point.

There is so much I could say, though it seems as if I can’t seem to put anything into something coherent, and everything just seems a bit jumbled as I’ve been dealing with so much lately to have anything come together well, especially once my ex-husband waited until the kids went inside to tell me that he was fired.  I sat there totally silent, just staring for a moment, unable to find any words other than to express genuine sorrow for the situation, with concerns about child support as the furthest thing from my mind.

Why did it happen?  Was it just layoffs, cutbacks, downsizing, or something else?  What were his plans at this point?  What was going to be affected by the loss?  Why wasn’t I able to say anything but sit there in shock?

I feel bad that he lost his job.  It appears that it was, somewhat, of an ongoing issue that just finally came to a head and there was no other choice than to let him go.  This definitely was not what he needed in his life right now, especially on the heels of the 2 year anniversary of our divorce, just for starters.

I wish him well, honestly, and pray that he can find something as a replacement soon.  It will affect our children, however, between things I will do myself and his family, they will suffer less than he will by the situation.  May he find peace and comfort with as little pain and stress as possible at this time…he needs it even more than I do…

I wanted to give him the hug he was desperately wanting from me, however, I knew I just was not able to reach over and give him the affection he desperately wanted from me, other than sitting and talking to him for a bit about the current situation with my mom and moving her from one state to begin residing in the same city as us in a few weeks and other idle conversation.  I couldn’t be as warm as he wanted me to be, and it bothers me that I wasn’t comfortable with giving him the affection that he made apparent as what he was seeking with his touching my arm during the conversation to show me that he was wanting to be affectionate due to even my own situations that I’ve been dealing with lately, though I just couldn’t give him the hug that he wanted.  I wasn’t able to give that much of myself, which is very odd for me, as I am an extremely affectionate person, preferring hugs to many other forms of affection; I am in no shape to give him the affection and support he was hoping for from me other than to give my condolences and ensure that I’d work with him on any point of our divorce that might be affected by the job loss, including giving him extra time with our children if needed or wanted.  If nothing else, our children can be of more comfort than I can to him…

While there is hope that, in some small chance of fate, that someone I love finds this entry by happenstance, this is more for my own benefit instead of keeping it only to my paper journal that few, if any, ever see regarding the depths of my soul, including admitting to when I know I am, honestly, wrong.

I did something I should never have done, if nothing else, due to respect for someone I love deeply and wish for only the best in their life.  Out of my own desperation, I broke trust and confidence by speaking about problems to mutual people when I know I shouldn’t have.  The reasons for me doing it do not excuse what I did wrong and it does not make me feel any less honest in the admittance of doing things that I should not do.

I felt isolated.  I felt that I had nobody else to turn to, especially when the person I was paying to listen to and help me with the troubles in confidence reminded me that I had to be careful with my words, as I had done previously, for the possibility of mandatory reporting may override every effort I was trying to take in keeping things within the confines of an extremely small circle to ensure the most positive of outcomes.  I felt avoided.  I felt unimportant.  I felt dismissed and that I should not have been taken seriously.  I felt like I was drowning.  I felt like the situation was out of control…or better yet, out of my control…when I desperately did not want it out of my control due to the knowledge that if it was out of my control, I knew what I had to do, which I desperately did not want to do. I had choices and lost my way in the fog that seemed to cloud so much; I reached out to people that I knew (or thought, is more like it) that would take my concerns seriously and, whether or not they took action, would try to at least believe a side of reality that seemed to constantly be denied.  I felt as if I was not supported, believed, or loved.  This led me to the desperate actions that ended up hurting someone’s confidence and trust in who I am and my integrity.  That is a hard fact to accept, however, I know and understand just how much that was a part of the shattering of something that meant so much to me.

I loved her so much that I wanted to desperately bring out the wonderful person that is hidden beneath mountains of pain and coping/defense mechanisms that became part of many items that seemed to shatter the dreams we all had together.  I was desperate to get her the help I had always wished I had.  I was desperate to not let her suffer the same as I did, let alone my own children, and made things worse when it was the furthest thing from my intention.

I loved him so much that I wanted to desperately motivate him to become the wonderful man that is hidden beneath much more than I could even probably imagine.  I wanted to be an inspiration and motivation that I had only received within myself.  I wanted him to face the reality of the situation and give himself the same credit that he wanted me to believe about myself when the situation was reversed.  I was desperate to not let him believe things that he believed about himself, though I felt things should have been done the way I had done them instead of his own path, and I made things worse.

Maybe I do twist things around to get my own agenda.  Maybe I do avoid the reality of things I do, especially when in doing so, I must admit that I could be hypocritical or judgmental.  Maybe I do need to consider admittance into a psychiatric hospital.  Maybe I do…

I make mistakes, just like everyone else, though to be judged as harshly as I have been a multitude of times for the slightest infractions definitely makes me consider those things I do to hurt others when I have the completely altruistic intentions behind those actions.  I lash out emotionally, just as others to do me, and while I may never know whether someone really believes just how poorly I truly feel about it, I know that when I do apologize and try to make amends for things, it is from my soul in admitting to those faults of mine that create conflict instead of harmony, not simply just to make peace.

I truly am sorry for becoming desperate enough to try to reach out to others when I should not have.  It was not from a place of trying to shame or speak poorly of you, though I should never have done it, and from this point forward, all I can do is put my principles of respect above my need to control or force others to be whom I think they can be.  I made a mistake.  I hurt you very deeply.  What you have seen from time to time with that mistake (unfortunately, the mistake has been brought to my attention more than once), is not something I am proud of, especially when I know that actions speak louder than words when it comes to having ethics and principles that I strive to live by.  I am deeply sorry and am striving to learn from those mistakes and become a better person by not repeating the same mistakes again.  I can only move forward to not doing it again, regardless of the reasons that lead me to choose an action that brought me more shame and embarrassment for being that type of person, especially when it was meant from love and caring, not out of spite or to be malicious in nature. It would be a gift to be forgiven, though I know I may never be, and I accept the fact that because of the transgression, there may never be trust built back as strongly as before.

This admission has no agenda behind it other than to help myself move on and remembering this type of transgression’s pain and suffering so as to learn from it so I do not hurt anyone again as deeply as I have because of it…