To A Man I Wish I Would Have Known Better…

November 11, 2015

It is very sad to know that you are no longer in my life in a way that I can truly appreciate on a daily basis, and I wish upon everything, that I was able to have more time to get to know you deeper than I actually did.  We met at a social gathering many years ago, and even then, from what others told me about you, it seemed to me that you were one I could have connected with on such a personal level that I could speak to you more than we actually did before your departure from my life.  We had a connection that spoke to me in many ways that I wish I could have known more intimately than I actually did while our separate lives were were both in chaos and turmoil so I could be more of an inspiration to you, since you gave me enough inspiration to go beyond the walls of myself to be more honest than I normally am to learn more about life past the safety of the world wide web than I normally do “IRL” (“in real life”, for those that are a bit behind on internet lingo).  I may have been disillusioned, though I do not think I was, to see that you, for whatever reason, trusted me enough to open your own walls and let me into the depths of your soul further than simply trying to impress someone else enough to accept you on the, often times the sad reality of the internet/social media, basis of what you could offer me to further my own endeavors.

I will always remember the last conversation we had, which I wish I had saved for posterity’s sake, to reflect upon now, as my own life has seemed to mirror your own in many ways.  You confided in me the struggles of a life that put you in a position of feeling as if you must be a perfect person; always receiving the highest of honors in school, as well as learning to be a perfectionist in every little thing that you did in your life.  Nothing saved you from feeling as if you were a failure, especially with the most intimate relationships, which I seemed to identify with more than I ever let on in our banter.

I will never be able to tell you how much I connected with you on an emotional level due to your honesty and candor to me in the time I was afforded your grace as a beautiful and loved soul in my life.  You tried not to get close, though you were honest enough that I could not only sympathize (especially now with my life in even more turmoil compared to when we last spoke), as well as empathize and try to give you the inspiration to continue on when you felt so desperate.

You sat in a driveway, anxious at the thought of even walking through the door, especially to be confronted by the reality of the dark side of the life that you lived, which I am left to believe was part of your health issues that has lead you to even more darkness than you every truly wanted to let anyone know about.  You carried a lot of burdens, afraid to be seen as a failure, while seeking what we all seek in the most positive way of acceptance and unconditional love.

You see, while I was not able to always speak what I thought eloquently, I knew your struggles before I was truly able to express it in a way that you realized I could tell you what I did to move past the overwhelming need to be loved, accepted, and validated by being worth enough to move into at least serenity in your life.  You taught me a lot, and I have no clue how to begin to express the gratitude and feelings of love which are transcendent of anything romantic or hopes for inspiration to accept reality and believe in ourselves.  You will never realize just how much you affected me, just as I did not seem to realize it until you were gone, and I will forever be indebted to what you made me look at within myself.

This has happened far too many times to me; the ones I connect with on a very deep level are taken from me in various ways to where I must look further into myself to find solace and peace when it would be so much easier to look to another (soulmates, soul mates, or kindred spirits for any connection of related terms to express the draw to another human being that is, by far, hard to fight or deny the actual existence of).

The world seems to short of those that are authentic people…

My life is a little less bright because you are not in my life the way I think we should have been, or should be.

May this apply to both the men and women I know in my life…

You have touched me more deeply than I can ever probably express, and with this, I hope you will know just how much you truly are loved by me…

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