I probably should be writing this in a paper journal only, however, there is a part of me that realizes that if I ever should publish the book I’ve always wanted to write into a tangible form, this would end up in there anyway.  This small portion tied to many other things that make up of who I am and what it took for me to get to where I am at now, let alone where I might be in the future.  I am putting myself in a vulnerable position of forcing myself to be as non-emotional as possible, as some of what I would love to say in response to a loved one’s last communication with me directly could be seen as attacking or slanderous, though I intend to speak as honestly about the reality from my own experience of a shared reality at one point.

My last interaction with my younger sister, via text format on a social media site, left her in a position of stating that she could no longer communicate with me, to which I knew I would respect for so many reasons I chose not to delve into with her at that time.  I knew it probably would upset her once I stated what I had intended to do with our conversation up to that point, in as an unemotional way as possible, in an attempt to help me learn what I am doing to be detrimental in conversations, when it seems so frequently that a conversation becomes such an all out verbal, if not physical, brawl.  It is something I have been struggling with since a time before I was even in Kindergarten and something I have been on a quest for, very consciously at least, the past 14 years.  I knew I could accept a boundary of not communicating with me any longer if it meant that I finally spoke words that expressed feelings of a very tender subject after I had gotten some sleep from a completely emotionally charged conversation that prompted me to contact my sister to let her know an update on an on-going situation I had been updating her on for a while.  I truly needed that sleep before I knew immediately during the exchange that I had commented more than once that I needed to not respond anymore because I was feeling so emotional and wanted to respond to her in a way that would have been lashing out.  I second guessed myself after writing it while I took a break from work the following only until I got her response back, to which I replied a little emotionally, and I second guessed that, feeling a bit guilty for replying at all, instead of just letting it be, though it was a few hours later that I knew exactly what I had to do by blocking her from me, as well as blocking me from her, as I handed my phone to someone else and telling them that they could not let me have it back, after only seeing a few words on her last message to me because I could no longer handle the negativity and drama it caused, especially when I had been out trying to have fun with friends and had a couple of drinks when the message came through.

I know without a doubt neither of us contacting each other would be what is best for both of us, though I do have concerns about communicating ethical decisions that may need to be made, especially in regards to our parent’s deaths (later rather than sooner), though I’m sure that I’ll be ready to cross that bridge when I get there.  For now, I need to respond to her last message, and it may take me a few entries to get through it all, especially if my responses wander a bit from the main focus, though I hope to keep things as focused as possible and expound on other points more at a later point since it is very emotional for me.

The first sentence she wrote was suggesting I re-read our entire conversation and belittled and minimized what I had written by stating my intention was to make myself out to be superior to her.  If stating I was frustrated that our conversations were so lace with anger and lashing out (from both of us over the years) from the abusive childhood we shared and resentments that seemed to never be resolved was to make myself out to be superior, then so be it, and I’ll concede to that only on the basis that my reality has left her feeling I have laid guilt trips, which I have been known to do, intentionally as well as unintentionally.  I am not very good at communication in a lot of ways, though I have always seemed to have some passion for it in 1 way or another, and after many years of my life not learning more about non-toxic communication, I realize that I have not had many opportunities to see what that type of communication really is in practice.  I have laid guilt trips, in subtle and not-so subtle ways, to manipulate people I loved when I felt hurt to get the love I felt I was lacking (again, both consciously and unconsciously) as well as when I projected my own feelings of guilt onto someone else, and while I am still not where I want to be with the frequency of doing it, I have spent a long time and put in a lot of effort to get to a point of analyzing my own words and feelings and want to learn how to be healthier in my communication.

That was just the first sentence, and I can tell it may be a bit longer than I intended.  I think sleep and writing more another night is in order.