Compared To Someone Else

August 2, 2014


It sucks to hear that you are being compared to someone else, especially in our intimate relationships, though as time goes by, I begin to believe more and more that there is just no way around it, no matter how hard you try. I could be wrong in my assessment that we shouldn’t be held to a standard or absolute of “never comparing” one person to another, however, I think it is unrealistic to allow ourselves the option of comparing other things in our lives, but not people. How do we ever know that we want and don’t want, or like and don’t like, in other aspects of our lives if we don’t compare one experience to another. Let’s take ordering dinner in a restaurant to explain my position, for the sake of showing the double standards we impose on others because of our fragile egos.

If you order a steak dinner from one restaurant, and then go to another restaurant,
whether it is the next day or 5 years down the road and order the same type of steak
dinner, such as prime rib, do you not compare one against another and determine a preference for when you decide you want to have a prime rib dinner again in the future? Our preference to one establishment for a steak dinner comes to us by comparing the experiences, whether it is simply the atmosphere of the establishment, the service given by the employees, the way the dinner was prepared to our specific requests, or the available side dishes, among so many other details that your mind grasps. Do you not give feedback to an establishment about an area that you feel they are commendable in or areas where you would like to see improvement on?

If we can do this when it comes to an eating establishment, without any question and
almost automatically in some instances, then why are we not allowed to do this in our intimate relationships? Why is it forbidden and seen as such a treasonous act if a comparison is made, which tends to be frowned upon more when we compare items that are things we don’t like and would like to see improvements on? Are we allowed to compare and only recommend places to others because of the good things but not allowed to state any of the things we were not completely thrilled with or suggest that someone not dine at one establishment due to specific reasons? Do restaurant owners never dine anywhere else other than their own establishment or seek reviews because their feelings might be hurt by seeing or hearing things because they do not want to know that the reality is that they may not be “perfect”? Why is there such a double standard for every single thing in our life that we like or don’t like, want or don’t want, with the exception of relationships?

In my intimate relationships from birth, I have been through a lot of pain, as well as joy, and I have realized that there is only so much pain I can handle before loving feelings are replaced with bitterness and resentment, so why am I not allowed to say that I am sensitive to certain things, which have been brought upon by people in my past (and possibly present)? Why do I have to spare someone else’s ego by intentionally beating around the bush in stating that something, or someone, is pushing me away because of someone else’s mistreatment of me in the past? Why is it okay for me to dote on the comparisons that show what I do like, yet not speak of those things I don’t like or don’t want, and try to get to a position that is either more tolerant or a deal breaker?

I am not naïve, and whether it is true or not, I choose to believe that I am being compared to others in any relationship – if I wasn’t, then how could someone say that I am “good” at any specific part of a relationship, let alone what frustrations I bring to a relationship? – and, while it is not fun to find similarities from one to another that I’d rather not find, I have been learning how to use that as motivation to improve some aspects about myself that may need to be improved upon. I know that I can be very aggressive in conversations, even though I don’t intend to be, and I am still trying to improve how I can be aggressive, yet know when to take a break instead of continuing, because if taken too far, it isn’t healthy or helpful, and those that are bothered by it the most, are the ones who have had it happen to them before with others and they are sensitive to some of my aggressive conversation style.

It reminds me of being burned by a fire or stove – an analogy I’ve used over the years in relationships to explain why I’ve admitted comparing and being insecure in certain situations, regardless of whether it was received well and agreed upon as a proper explanation or not. Each time you are burned by a fire or stove, even the mere image of one (whether it is a picture or physically within your eyesight), especially if you are burned over a very long period of time, can bring about anxiety at a minimum, and even physical pain where you’ve been burned before. It would make sense; to me at least, that the same idea and physiological events when burned by heat applies to pain that may have been given by another person, whether physical or emotional. For some people it can be very difficult to put their boundaries into words without associating them with a specific name – I happen to be one of them, at this point – especially if specific names have been associated with them for an extended period of their lives. As hard as I try to not associate a name with a situation, especially if it is one that is painful, I am unable to completely express things without the association somehow being made, either outright or inferred by the person I am speaking to.

I may need more help in putting my boundaries, likes, dislikes, and such into words that are vague enough to not let anyone know that I’ve used my past experiences to determine them, though I do not think I should be dismissed simply because I am unable to do it well enough yet to not hurt someone’s feelings by stating “I didn’t like how this person treated me like this…” or “Your actions/statements/etc. are things I have dealt with before and I don’t like it…” or other comparison about my past to my present.

Maybe a list here will give me a bit more clarity, and if anyone does read this, maybe they can offer suggestions and help me be a bit more sensitive to other’s egos when it comes to the sensitive things that I wish to make boundaries, so I can find more to compliment by comparison (which almost everyone doesn’t seem to mind) instead of criticize in those I love. As I have written this, something seems to really stick out that I’ve been in denial about; I may have never really been able to heal from one burn completely before I have been burned again, so at times, I feel as if I am doomed to continue the cycle…


As I reached for one of my few paper journals to quell some of the overwhelming thoughts that seem to need to escape me, I looked a little too closely at the first entry, which was dated in 2005, and I realized, yet again, just how bittersweet hindsight is.  I have enough written in that one journal to give me a synopsis of the huge reality checks I was either ignoring intentionally, or rationalizing them to serve my ego, with jumps in years between entries, yet they show me exactly when and how I began to honestly listen to my soul.

It was what I needed to see, in all honesty, because in my entries I even admit to the downfalls I owned, and how I tried to figure out how to improve myself so I was less of an equation of a problem and seeking to control what I could as part of a solution, once I decided to

Chaotic Words

August 2, 2014


I have so much I want to release from within, though when I actually try to use only pen and paper, nothing seems to come forth other than doodles and half formed sentences totally incoherent and having nothing specific to tie them all together, other than the fact it shows just how chaotic my mind seems to be.  For some reason, typing it out is easier in some ways, though right now, it doesn’t feel like it will end up being much better as far as a sense of cohesive or logical thought process that ends up being shown even with the ability for easier editing, like cut-n-paste for putting the sentences in an order that is more easily followed after the original avalanche of prose is reviewed. Whether it is appropriate or not to have a blog set up for the world to see that is written and intended as a journal and diary of my life, when I feel a need to actually write something that just can’t seem to be spoken, knowing that someone may read it, especially someone I actually know and knows this is my personal story and life in the script forces me to actually want to edit and put some extra effort into communicating my thoughts in a way that is, hopefully less insane than what it feels like when I finally let the hidden thoughts and feelings out the first time.

 

I want to write (or more likely “type” is the more accurate word) about all the thoughts that keep crossing my mind…and I think I will, though I am not sure just how publicly I feel I should be, since some harsh realities and hurtful feelings may spill forth. I still am afraid to bare my soul like that – even having a journal/diary that was read by family from the time I was in 4th grade or so haunts me and I second guess admitting to anyone, even on paper to an imaginary person, what my real feelings are. I am conditioned to censor and edit all I say out of the fear that what I say will upset someone to the point of saying that they wish they never knew me…or worse yet, deny my actual existence or my reality.

I’ve suffered a great deal of pain while continuing to move forward, and I have no doubt others have been in worse situations than me, so I feel that being painted out as a martyr or someone worth demeaning and looking down upon is a real enough risk that I hide myself in an often times Utopian reality. Being denied admittance of inspiration to continue on a path I need by emotional abuse and violence has left me scared to put a voice to any goal or dream I have – for some reason I can’t let anyone truly see me, as it leads to such dramatic scenes that continue to repeat themselves, which I feel guilt for because the avoidance of those things could be just as much my addiction is as other things are to other people. I’m afraid that I am doomed to put myself in that victim state as I desperately try to end that cycle of pain.