I have been asked so many times about why I don’t leave the ones that hurt me long before I do. My level of patience, or need for martyrdom as some may see it, has left people amazed in a concerned way, as well as appreciative when that patience is bestowed upon them. I’ve had to try to explain why I don’t cut ties when others would and suggest, though none of the answers I have given just fit quite right. I’ve been considered, at a minimum, co-dependent or needy, and at worst, a close to psychotic drama queen. Either way you look at it, people don’t understand, plain and simple, and I’ve been nervous to ever really tell the entire truth of it all, though most that know me well had long ago read between the lines.

I hadn’t been able to fully be able to put it to words within the last year or so, but I ran across a blog I wrote just over 6 years ago about recently reconnecting with a very old friend…the first friend I looked for when I started on a social networking site. Within a short statement written about my friend, I made a promise to him, and even to those others that could fit the descriptions. With that said, I hope I can finally clear the air about the “why” and let others find this instead of me needing to say it again out loud, because I wouldn’t be able to stop the emotions from completely overwhelming me.

From November 13, 2006:

“…The memories are bittersweet, as the time was very tough for both of us, but somehow, our friendship kept us both alive.  He was the one that I was closest to, and I don’t think I have ever had a friend since then that has even come close to him.

Life works in strange ways, and I will always regret those words I never said that were in my heart and I will regret that we ever drifted apart.  I hope to keep his friendship this time and never let it go, for he meant more to me than some will ever realize.

He was my rock and shoulder to cry on when there was absolutely nobody else.  He was a gentleman and always was kind to me, even when he was being brutally honest.  He made me laugh at some of the most critical times in my life, keeping me from literally going insane.  Our times together in the past will never be forgotten, and hopefully more memories will be made from this point forward.

I am so glad we are able to start again!  You know I care about you, and always have, no matter how life stood in the middle of us!  Even leaving things in the past, I still apologize that I was not the friend that I should have been in the end.  I have grown enough to know that the nearest and dearest should always be that way, and I refuse to let that happen again.”

I really loved him, and do to this day, yet denied it for a long time, fearful of the depths and raw power I felt about him while feeling regret and shame when I realized I had mistaken feelings instead of communicating after the damage had already been done. Our friendship drifted apart in small ways at first, and it hurt me more than he ever knew, or could even probably understand, and again, I sought to put the pain behind me and deny it was even there, so I pushed away further to try to get over him.

We never really officially dated and we were not actually a couple, though I know how much I wanted to be. We needed each other in so many ways, yet we always seemed to focus on how we wanted each other in so many innocent ways, and always knew that it was okay to actually need the other person from time to time. It was mutual respect and faith that we wanted to be there for each other, including the worst of times, to hopefully bring about some light when looking back in the dark.

I would have married him in a heartbeat, and I had no doubt mother wouldn’t find fault in him in a way that she would not give her blessing, which she has withheld that blessing for anyone even as of today. There was something about him that I could not, and still cannot, describe as to why I loved him so much and wanted more than just a friendship, but it’s something I just can’t deny.

I apologized for mistakes I made in the demise of our friendship that lasted roughly 6 or 7 years, though with his confessions over the last 6 years of rebuilding our friendship, I felt what I wrote that night says it in the most profound and naked way.

I promised the very best friend I ever had, that I would not leave his side, ever again, because I do not think I could ever go through that kind of pain again and survive emotionally. I will not let anyone that touches me deeply like he did leave my life where both of us have that type of pain that can be heavy burden to bear when you truly love someone.

Thank you, Doctor or whoever decides what is healthy or how it should be done, but at least for me, when it comes to those I honestly love, I would rather take the small doses of sharp but short pain during those lost 6 or 7 years, than take the large doses of soul aching pain tortuously drawn out in that same time frame.

I made a promise, and I intend to keep it, regardless of whether I end up where I always wanted to be with them or not…

I had absolutely nobody in my life and tried to do it on my own, until I met someone that became not only what I needed, but also wanted, in my life. I had nothing, but felt I had everything, and I gave that up too easily, and realized too late, that for so many years, I never had the one thing I always truly wanted, and honestly needed…my best friend. I do not want to ever leave others to feel the same way I did…

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