More Emotional Waves

August 9, 2011


Finding something I wasn’t really even looking for still amazes me today.  While I connect with some people, I didn’t know or couldn’t even imagine just how well, and deeply, I would connect with others.  It is because of these connections that give me serenity during the tough times.  It is the deep feelings that overwhelm me with joy and love manifested through those that accept me and find joy in being around me.  Strangely enough, I still find myself unable to speak at times and guard what I say, choosing my words carefully, trying to bring sense to what seems like chaos falling from my lips.

Part of me is not sure whether what is happening is real or fantasy, and while  I don’t want to read too much into things that are quite simple, I cannot deny what it is I really long to be reality, not just the perception of a fantasy never to materialize.

Sometimes…okay, well, a lot of times…it is hard for me to hear the words from those in my past that are, after time apart, now a current part of my life, and whom I hope to always have in my life.  Why does their hindsight almost make me cringe?  Why did they guard themselves so much that it ended up pushing me away for so long?

Ironic, isn’t it, that here I guard my words at times, and I seem to be chastising those that have done the same thing as me.  I don’t always intentionally guard what it is I truly think and feel, and I know without a doubt that some of it is conditioning from the sickness I have called marriage for a while.  Then again, I feel I let my actions speak the words I have had a hard time saying out loud.  So many times my mind thinks faster than my mouth allows, so words jumble, and it has, finally, become something I am comfortable with.

Of course, maybe it’s because I’ve been told for so long that actions speak louder than words.

I do believe that actions speak louder than words to an extent, and while I try to outwardly express what I feel deep inside by my actions, I still feel the words in conjunction with actions are the most genuine and true.

Why tell me now, years later, that I “was the one that got away” and that nobody has compared to me; that everyone else comes in 2nd place to me, yet never really saying that, let alone actually acting on it before?  Why let something like that slip away if it is what you truly believe?  Why does it feel as if those statements are only lip service after the fact?

It leaves me dumbfounded as a few have sworn these statements to me, yet all of them (with one exception) discarded me so easily and seemingly used me when I invited them back into my life.  Granted, I feel that only 1 honestly, and with deliberation, used me in this fashion, though the feelings of being taken advantage of, or even feelings of being taken for granted, have peppered the renewed and changed relationships.

Yes, they all swore they wanted to marry me, and some still swear they do, but I do not see what it is they want from me, especially in regards to a marriage.  Why would I marry anyone without a clear understanding of what a marriage means to them?  I made the mistake of not insisting on clear definitions and expectations of marriage once…which was a very hard lesson learned, indeed.

I can’t even begin to fully describe my thoughts on marriage now, other than to say a few poignant notions, whether some view them as silly or not, they are for me to believe and compromise on as each situation dictates…and when true honest communication allows for my pragmatic nature to flow freely.

I feel that hand written vows or promises are more important and meaningful, to me at least, than the “traditional” ones I spoke almost 14 years ago.  Then again, maybe it’s a bit of bitterness shining through as I reflect upon how certain traditional vows are used as a dogmatic form of manipulation and stipulation in an effort to exact control.  This, of course is without even including the possibility of the definitions and expectations being absolutely and honestly unrealistic to one, or both partners, especially if no true definition or explanation of what those words truly meant to each other was spoken prior to uttering the words of the promises in front of witnesses on the wedding day.  I truly feel that I am not the only person who has come to realize that so very often, and normally only after a breaking point is reached, that clarification from the partners of the marriage contract regarding what those words will lead to as far as expectations, and what, if any, “deal-breakers” would be included with each of those vows, should have been thoroughly discussed before that fate-filled, and quite often fairy-tale, day.

Unfortunately, my eyes are drooping at this moment, even though I have so much more to write, and I must continue riding this emotional wave on another day.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: