So, I defended abuse, kept quiet about it, tried desperately to never say a bad word about it…

Then I listened to the pressures of not staying silent and I became a gossip and said more than I should have, which hurt people and broke trust…

Why is it a no-win situation and why do I hate myself for being a blabbermouth when I have made slips before (not always realizing what was said to me was to be completely confidential) and I want to defend myself as being trustworthy when so much of society, if judging my situation, would see me as either being too trustworthy to a point of allowing and enabling toxic behaviors or the opposite end of the spectrum as being a toxi person worthy of revenge/bad Karma/never to trust again?


Double edged sword that I still don’t know how to use other than to do harm to others…including myself…

Gratitude – Day 1

June 6, 2016

As I rest my head upon my pillow, I take the time this evening to reflect on 3 things I am grateful for today. I was challenged to not repeat any specific gratitude for as long as I continue this part of my journaling adventures, which is something I am looking forward to in pushing myself further than I have before to find even more to be grateful for each day.

1) I am grateful for today’s warm sun as I was commuting throughout the day; it was not uncomfortably warm and it felt nice to close my eyes, raise my head to the sky, feel the warmth envelope me while I took a deep breath in and slowly let it out for more than a few moments.

2) I am grateful for having the ability to see my daughter’s first softball game of the season; she is wonderful to watch, especially when she pitches, and this year will be a bit more of a challenge for her since she is playing with a group of girls that are 1-2 years older than her. I believe she can and will rise to the challenge.

3) I am grateful for the moment I take my bra off at the end of the day.

With that, I am calling it a night…

I’m not sure why I waited as long as I did to post this, however, I wrote about it in my paper journal as well and had a conversation with someone else after I drafted this post that gave me even more insight to myself and leads me to feel that sharing positive experiences I have is worth potential pain it could bring to others if they should happen across this.  I have always gone between over sharing my life’s experiences to completely being isolated with them, though it is something I keep being told by others (especially in their own hindsight) is not something I should really change, even if I am consciously trying to at least finesse the fine balance between being authentically open and honest and having absolutely no filter whatsoever.  Some days my thoughts are ones I wish to at least let others possibly see; if someone can identify with what I share and not feel so alone in the world or think more deeply about their own life, whether I’m told about it or not, then what I share with the possibility of it being available publicly is worth the risk for me.  I have very few secrets about myself that I would not be willing to speak about with people in real life (hey, there’s even a song called “Secrets” that is fairly recent that expresses my attitude about my life/this portion of my willingness to put myself out there publicly), so while I try to keep the identity of those I may speak about as vague as possible, I often think of how easily even paper journals could be published even after my death and secrets revealed then (“The Diary of Anne Frank”, anyone?).  There are many positives that I experience (in addition to the negatives that seem to make me look deeply within myself for clarity and to bring myself to more positive outlooks), and often times I concern myself with how it might affect others if they read some posts I share, though many times, I realize that even a reminder for myself is worth publishing the thoughts, and in many ways, I’m blessed that very few follow this blog and I’m selective in posts that I share on other social networking sites so as to minimize an over exposure publicly to those that know me and those I may mention in posts in real life.

I cannot even begin to express the thoughts and emotions other than to say that no matter what, I have someone in my life of the opposite gender that I know, without a doubt, truly loves me.  It is bittersweet at times to talk to and spend time with him, as the last (almost) 7 years has been fraught with ups and downs, however, the one thing I always will cherish is that we always talked over the problems and he never once really ever verbally assaulted me past saying a few hurtful things that I never felt were abusive. The worst he ever claimed about me was that I dwelled in self pity and was too emotional like “every other woman”, though he never once said I was psychotic or crazy.

I may not have liked what he said to me that made me look within myself more deeply than I wanted to, though he never truly belittled me, and pushed me harder than anyone else ever has.  ‘Tis probably the reason that his admittance of the changes he has seen in me over the course of the last 4 years, especially, meant so much to me and I realized I did not need to defend or explain anymore than I had at that point.  He knew more about me, just as I had known more about him, than either one of us had said, and we both are grateful for how we have brought about such amazing things in each other’s lives.

It is such a wonderful thing to know what a true soulmate is and appreciate it for what it is and be supportive of the path each takes, whether they are on the same path, or different paths that run parallel to each other.  This one has truly shown me what it means to love another unconditionally (of opposite sex, and even more so, transcendent of romantic hopes) outside of a traditional family…

He may not have been right as my life partner, especially at the time of our greatest romantic feelings for each other, though he has forever set the bar high for what I want as far as respect and admire within someone I would want to share my life with in a deeper context than simply a companion to stave off loneliness.


The Clover necklace I bought for Christmas about 5 years ago that he never wore until 3 years ago...


Thanking him for telling me things he has noticed in my growth over the past 5 years, especially...


Ironically, he and I were introduced through another man I was romantically involved with, claiming that the 2 of us should meet because we were very much alike. Granted, I was warned that he was a “man whore”, so I knew up front not to take much seriously or get too emotionally involved, though it probably was because of that which gave me enough patience to get to know who he was past his conquests, and has become the most meaningful friendship of the opposite sex I have ever known.  I speak about him a lot in blog posts and offline; he has a lot of my respect and I know I have his as well after many years.

I will never forget sitting in a restaurant in town when he told me I was “too good” for him, and my admonishment in defense saying that I wasn’t “too good” for anyone, as I was far from perfect myself.  I will never forget another conversation in a restaurant at another point where he proclaimed how much I needed something such as a 12 step group beyond my normal professional therapy sessions.  I have many conversations that I will never forget with him, including the one where I told him bluntly that I felt he was just too scared to let himself get close to me, fearing that I would hurt him as deeply as the last woman that broke his heart enough for him to stop introducing women to his mother (until me), and his fear that a relationship meant that he would lose his independence and freedom (mostly untrue, though we both knew there were deal breakers to some degree).  There was a conversation where I pointed out a hypocritical stance he had, in my opinion, which he did not understand, and even the emotional reaction from him regarding me beginning to put down boundaries to respect myself, which all culminated in love between us that cannot be explained in many ways.  It is a deep love and one that has grown in respect over the years…especially when we have both been there for each other supporting each other and pushing each other to become the best versions of ourselves.  We were mirrors of each other…he helped me grow in ways while I helped him grow in ways.  We showed each other sides of ourselves that could be changed so we could blossom into who we were meant to be.

He is an awesome man…and I am glad he has found me worthy enough to continue on with such a close friendship, no matter whether there is any romantic future or not.  He was the first to truly learn how to respect me for who I am, and for that, I will always be grateful.

I feel shame for having to tell my children that Christmas gifts will be smaller in number and value of years past now that I had to break down and buy a new refrigerator today. The Universe has an odd sense of humor; I finally broke down and bought a new refrigerator to replace my 3rd used refrigerator (after the one that was included in the purchase of my home) decided to stop working in the last 5 years (roughly). It must be fate that the main gifts for my children this year were going to be “practical”; my daughter needed a new dresser instead of the one she had with 2 missing drawer fronts and my son needed a new bed box spring to replace the one that has been broken for about 4 years, and now a large chunk of money was placed on my credit card to buy one more practicality instead of any luxuries that we had all wished we could have had.

I’ve been criticized before when asking for “practical” gifts for holidays and birthdays over the years, though I have to say that of many of the things I learned over the years is that my mother gave me the gift of being truly appreciative and grateful of understanding the value in those practical things. I can only hope that when my children become adults that they, too, will be able to look back on this year of necessities over luxuries, and see it as a valuable gift instead of resentment for a great many more items that I could have spent the money on to give them more possessions that aren’t as much as a necessity as a place to rest their head, put their clothes, and keep food they eat from spoiling.

My mother definitely had/has her issues, though I will ever be indebted to her for giving me more gifts at Christmas that I needed than gifts that would not have been as necessary, including the gift of gratitude for what small amount of possessions I do have.  The gift of hindsight to see wisdom instead of entitlement is priceless as I face many choices my own parents had to make.

I had begun to research Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) many months ago, in an attempt to make sense of some of the psychological troubling things going on in my life that were making me feel as if I was going insane, which, in turn, left a few to actually believe I was psychotic and unsafe/unstable as a person, what I learned has been both freeing as well as troubling, as it still is difficult to navigate the emotions that come from this disorder in children.

I am shamed to admit that I believe both of my children suffered from this after looking at the symptoms (only 1 of many available symptoms lists) and reflecting on the life I led during some of their most formative years in an abusive marriage.  I feel guilty that they may suffer from this disorder, or at least have to a degree while some was simply due to their ages, when I know I was working 2 jobs from the time my youngest was about 2 until she was 8, plus in that time I was in the process of trying to divorce and had begun to live part-time outside of the marital home in another city for 4 days a week.  I abandoned my children when they needed me the most and I left them in an abusive situation that I felt I had no real way out of other than to work as much I was (and then begin a home based business where I traveled a lot and even when I was home, was quite often busy with the business aspect, and not there for them emotionally when they needed me to be).  I vowed to stop being so involved in my side business and strictly stick to my full time job (which involved me working 6 to 7 days a week for approximately 5 months or so out of the year), when I knew I was determined to end my marriage, and especially after the final incident between my ex-husband and I ended up with him in jail for domestic assault and a CPS investigation occurred.  I knew I needed to stay at home and focus more on my children, and the guilt of knowing I allowed them to be in a very unhealthy situation drove my motivation in many ways, even though I never really wanted to end my side business since it was something I truly enjoyed and was quite successful with it.

I can look back on things now and see why my children throughout the years had many issues with me being an active parent; I had been in many ways, but once I began working 2 jobs to support the household bills (just to make ends meet), I had left them into the care of my ex-husband who had his own troubles with depression, anger, and poor coping skills when it came to stress.  I wish I had other options, though it was either that I worked 2 jobs, or we would lose our house due to not being able to pay the mortgage (let alone other basic needs), and while I’ve gotten over being bitter about that situation, it definitely was a huge part in how my children have struggled for the last almost 3 years since the domestic assault incident to have connected with me and are now not showing as many symptoms of RAD with continued therapy for each of them, as well as continued effort on my part to enhance my parenting skills.

The very difficult part in this is the isolation I felt in the thoughts of this disorder/other psychological problems as being a very realistic thing happening with hope to overcome, not simply just affecting my own children but also feeling another child I cared for and was close to for a little over 2 years had/has the same disorder that could be overcome with support from various sources.  My children’s father has not been very supportive of therapy efforts for our children over many years (he has been against any form of psychological therapy other than to suggest I seek it out for myself only), though especially within the last almost 3 years, however, he has begun to be less critical of my efforts to have our children continue different forms of therapy.  It also felt like denial and a lack of support in what I felt were potential problems from the father of the other child, though there was nothing I could really do, since it wasn’t my child.  I have never truly felt supported when it came to my own children’s problems, let alone someone else’s child’s problems, and as much as I love the other child that is not mine and tried every thing I could to be there as a loving and supportive parental model for them, the more I did that is suggested to control the disorder, the more chaos and fighting happened that culminated in 2 people (at a minimum, as others were involved, but not on a daily basis) leaving a relationship, a home, my children, and me.  The more I researched this, the “parental figure” that is not the biological mother/father of the child, will usually get the brunt end of the disorder, and unless the biological child’s parent is supportive of the other parental figure, then more chaos and fighting will tend to occur and it tends to be a large factor (if not the largest factor) in many relationships ending.  My children did their fair share of acting out in ways that made it very difficult to co-parent effectively with their biological and non-biological parental figures involved, and I can look back on quite a few things and see that while, at the time, I thought of even a worse scenario than RAD, it definitely fit and explains a lot of the conflict that happened.  Logically knowing all of the information I do up to now makes it a bit easier to put into practice some good general parenting skills, it certainly does not help the feelings I have of being a complete and utter failure as a mother, let alone a woman worthy of a relationship, or coming to grips with some of the very critical remarks about me as a person and parent that I’ve heard over the years (including more than just the last 2 years).

It was heartbreaking to have a child, whom I went to great lengths to show love and affection to as well as make them feel as if they were one of my own even though they were not, no longer in my life, let alone the knowledge of my part in making things worse for everyone involved.  In some ways, though, I know having the father leave me/the relationship and detaching was for the best, especially when it appeared, from my side at least (probable biased/irrational thinking) that led to some resentment, that children could talk about me/others in my family poorly without reproach or confrontation, yet when I reached out to friends for support of the situation that I felt like I was getting totally lost in, I was criticized for “talking shit” and “blaming”. I felt like some sort of double standard that was difficult for me to accept, so I know, logically, that what happened with ending things/the situation as we had known it for a while was for the best of all of us.

I not only saw and admitted to what my own children did, I admitted to times I acted in a way that was more irrational and emotionally reactive instead of the more calm and rational person I have tried to become over the years, and still want to become.  I felt dismissed and I didn’t feel validated, which ended up leading me to act much more emotionally than I wish I would have and know I can control better.  I know I can do better; I want to continue to grow in how to not be as emotional when it comes to handling difficult situations that are triggers to the side of me that deals with stress, so I can become better at being proactive instead of reactive.  It takes practice…something I’ve been determined to consciously be more active in doing each day in some small way or another.

I feel more shame and guilt than I do resentment; my own children appear to have suffered from this disorder, which is guilt inducing in so many ways even though none were officially diagnosed (that I am aware of).  Unfortunately, the shame of being seen as a “bad” parent and avoiding reality made it a difficult thing for me to accept, so I strive to keep working each day on trying to understand the intricacies of some psychological reasons for others’ actions/reactions so it will be easier to forgive and let go of things that ended up invading my dreams and brought me to a psychotic point (not just with parenting and goes as far back as pain I’ve dealt with since a child). I know it’s best for me to accept reality for what it is with my children and continue to learn better parenting skills for their sake, as well as anyone else that enters my life in an intimate relationship of any sort (regardless of it being male or female, platonic or romantic), as I do not wish to make the same mistakes I did before…I never want anyone to suffer the way we all did again…children or adults.

I wish I would have learned about this disorder 3 or more years ago…not only within the last year…as maybe I could have handled things better and not ended up abandoning my own children for so long, let alone another child that really needed a supportive mother figure to not abandon her/shut her out of their life again.

There is so much guilt, heartache, and such a deep sense of loss, on so many levels, and some days, the pain hits out of nowhere, and I feel as if I’ve taken 2 steps forward, then 1 step back.  I know I just need to keep moving forward and learn from all of this…

I was just informed that my ex-husband lost his job on Friday and he did not tell the kids about it yet.  I know I won’t say anything yet to our children; I am sure he is reeling enough from this newest loss and I know child support will not be an issue, so there is no reason for me to say anything at this point.

There is so much I could say, though it seems as if I can’t seem to put anything into something coherent, and everything just seems a bit jumbled as I’ve been dealing with so much lately to have anything come together well, especially once my ex-husband waited until the kids went inside to tell me that he was fired.  I sat there totally silent, just staring for a moment, unable to find any words other than to express genuine sorrow for the situation, with concerns about child support as the furthest thing from my mind.

Why did it happen?  Was it just layoffs, cutbacks, downsizing, or something else?  What were his plans at this point?  What was going to be affected by the loss?  Why wasn’t I able to say anything but sit there in shock?

I feel bad that he lost his job.  It appears that it was, somewhat, of an ongoing issue that just finally came to a head and there was no other choice than to let him go.  This definitely was not what he needed in his life right now, especially on the heels of the 2 year anniversary of our divorce, just for starters.

I wish him well, honestly, and pray that he can find something as a replacement soon.  It will affect our children, however, between things I will do myself and his family, they will suffer less than he will by the situation.  May he find peace and comfort with as little pain and stress as possible at this time…he needs it even more than I do…

I wanted to give him the hug he was desperately wanting from me, however, I knew I just was not able to reach over and give him the affection he desperately wanted from me, other than sitting and talking to him for a bit about the current situation with my mom and moving her from one state to begin residing in the same city as us in a few weeks and other idle conversation.  I couldn’t be as warm as he wanted me to be, and it bothers me that I wasn’t comfortable with giving him the affection that he made apparent as what he was seeking with his touching my arm during the conversation to show me that he was wanting to be affectionate due to even my own situations that I’ve been dealing with lately, though I just couldn’t give him the hug that he wanted.  I wasn’t able to give that much of myself, which is very odd for me, as I am an extremely affectionate person, preferring hugs to many other forms of affection; I am in no shape to give him the affection and support he was hoping for from me other than to give my condolences and ensure that I’d work with him on any point of our divorce that might be affected by the job loss, including giving him extra time with our children if needed or wanted.  If nothing else, our children can be of more comfort than I can to him…

While there is hope that, in some small chance of fate, that someone I love finds this entry by happenstance, this is more for my own benefit instead of keeping it only to my paper journal that few, if any, ever see regarding the depths of my soul, including admitting to when I know I am, honestly, wrong.

I did something I should never have done, if nothing else, due to respect for someone I love deeply and wish for only the best in their life.  Out of my own desperation, I broke trust and confidence by speaking about problems to mutual people when I know I shouldn’t have.  The reasons for me doing it do not excuse what I did wrong and it does not make me feel any less honest in the admittance of doing things that I should not do.

I felt isolated.  I felt that I had nobody else to turn to, especially when the person I was paying to listen to and help me with the troubles in confidence reminded me that I had to be careful with my words, as I had done previously, for the possibility of mandatory reporting may override every effort I was trying to take in keeping things within the confines of an extremely small circle to ensure the most positive of outcomes.  I felt avoided.  I felt unimportant.  I felt dismissed and that I should not have been taken seriously.  I felt like I was drowning.  I felt like the situation was out of control…or better yet, out of my control…when I desperately did not want it out of my control due to the knowledge that if it was out of my control, I knew what I had to do, which I desperately did not want to do. I had choices and lost my way in the fog that seemed to cloud so much; I reached out to people that I knew (or thought, is more like it) that would take my concerns seriously and, whether or not they took action, would try to at least believe a side of reality that seemed to constantly be denied.  I felt as if I was not supported, believed, or loved.  This led me to the desperate actions that ended up hurting someone’s confidence and trust in who I am and my integrity.  That is a hard fact to accept, however, I know and understand just how much that was a part of the shattering of something that meant so much to me.

I loved her so much that I wanted to desperately bring out the wonderful person that is hidden beneath mountains of pain and coping/defense mechanisms that became part of many items that seemed to shatter the dreams we all had together.  I was desperate to get her the help I had always wished I had.  I was desperate to not let her suffer the same as I did, let alone my own children, and made things worse when it was the furthest thing from my intention.

I loved him so much that I wanted to desperately motivate him to become the wonderful man that is hidden beneath much more than I could even probably imagine.  I wanted to be an inspiration and motivation that I had only received within myself.  I wanted him to face the reality of the situation and give himself the same credit that he wanted me to believe about myself when the situation was reversed.  I was desperate to not let him believe things that he believed about himself, though I felt things should have been done the way I had done them instead of his own path, and I made things worse.

Maybe I do twist things around to get my own agenda.  Maybe I do avoid the reality of things I do, especially when in doing so, I must admit that I could be hypocritical or judgmental.  Maybe I do need to consider admittance into a psychiatric hospital.  Maybe I do…

I make mistakes, just like everyone else, though to be judged as harshly as I have been a multitude of times for the slightest infractions definitely makes me consider those things I do to hurt others when I have the completely altruistic intentions behind those actions.  I lash out emotionally, just as others to do me, and while I may never know whether someone really believes just how poorly I truly feel about it, I know that when I do apologize and try to make amends for things, it is from my soul in admitting to those faults of mine that create conflict instead of harmony, not simply just to make peace.

I truly am sorry for becoming desperate enough to try to reach out to others when I should not have.  It was not from a place of trying to shame or speak poorly of you, though I should never have done it, and from this point forward, all I can do is put my principles of respect above my need to control or force others to be whom I think they can be.  I made a mistake.  I hurt you very deeply.  What you have seen from time to time with that mistake (unfortunately, the mistake has been brought to my attention more than once), is not something I am proud of, especially when I know that actions speak louder than words when it comes to having ethics and principles that I strive to live by.  I am deeply sorry and am striving to learn from those mistakes and become a better person by not repeating the same mistakes again.  I can only move forward to not doing it again, regardless of the reasons that lead me to choose an action that brought me more shame and embarrassment for being that type of person, especially when it was meant from love and caring, not out of spite or to be malicious in nature. It would be a gift to be forgiven, though I know I may never be, and I accept the fact that because of the transgression, there may never be trust built back as strongly as before.

This admission has no agenda behind it other than to help myself move on and remembering this type of transgression’s pain and suffering so as to learn from it so I do not hurt anyone again as deeply as I have because of it…

It is very sad to know that you are no longer in my life in a way that I can truly appreciate on a daily basis, and I wish upon everything, that I was able to have more time to get to know you deeper than I actually did.  We met at a social gathering many years ago, and even then, from what others told me about you, it seemed to me that you were one I could have connected with on such a personal level that I could speak to you more than we actually did before your departure from my life.  We had a connection that spoke to me in many ways that I wish I could have known more intimately than I actually did while our separate lives were were both in chaos and turmoil so I could be more of an inspiration to you, since you gave me enough inspiration to go beyond the walls of myself to be more honest than I normally am to learn more about life past the safety of the world wide web than I normally do “IRL” (“in real life”, for those that are a bit behind on internet lingo).  I may have been disillusioned, though I do not think I was, to see that you, for whatever reason, trusted me enough to open your own walls and let me into the depths of your soul further than simply trying to impress someone else enough to accept you on the, often times the sad reality of the internet/social media, basis of what you could offer me to further my own endeavors.

I will always remember the last conversation we had, which I wish I had saved for posterity’s sake, to reflect upon now, as my own life has seemed to mirror your own in many ways.  You confided in me the struggles of a life that put you in a position of feeling as if you must be a perfect person; always receiving the highest of honors in school, as well as learning to be a perfectionist in every little thing that you did in your life.  Nothing saved you from feeling as if you were a failure, especially with the most intimate relationships, which I seemed to identify with more than I ever let on in our banter.

I will never be able to tell you how much I connected with you on an emotional level due to your honesty and candor to me in the time I was afforded your grace as a beautiful and loved soul in my life.  You tried not to get close, though you were honest enough that I could not only sympathize (especially now with my life in even more turmoil compared to when we last spoke), as well as empathize and try to give you the inspiration to continue on when you felt so desperate.

You sat in a driveway, anxious at the thought of even walking through the door, especially to be confronted by the reality of the dark side of the life that you lived, which I am left to believe was part of your health issues that has lead you to even more darkness than you every truly wanted to let anyone know about.  You carried a lot of burdens, afraid to be seen as a failure, while seeking what we all seek in the most positive way of acceptance and unconditional love.

You see, while I was not able to always speak what I thought eloquently, I knew your struggles before I was truly able to express it in a way that you realized I could tell you what I did to move past the overwhelming need to be loved, accepted, and validated by being worth enough to move into at least serenity in your life.  You taught me a lot, and I have no clue how to begin to express the gratitude and feelings of love which are transcendent of anything romantic or hopes for inspiration to accept reality and believe in ourselves.  You will never realize just how much you affected me, just as I did not seem to realize it until you were gone, and I will forever be indebted to what you made me look at within myself.

This has happened far too many times to me; the ones I connect with on a very deep level are taken from me in various ways to where I must look further into myself to find solace and peace when it would be so much easier to look to another (soulmates, soul mates, or kindred spirits for any connection of related terms to express the draw to another human being that is, by far, hard to fight or deny the actual existence of).

The world seems to short of those that are authentic people…

My life is a little less bright because you are not in my life the way I think we should have been, or should be.

May this apply to both the men and women I know in my life…

You have touched me more deeply than I can ever probably express, and with this, I hope you will know just how much you truly are loved by me…

I probably should be writing this in a paper journal only, however, there is a part of me that realizes that if I ever should publish the book I’ve always wanted to write into a tangible form, this would end up in there anyway.  This small portion tied to many other things that make up of who I am and what it took for me to get to where I am at now, let alone where I might be in the future.  I am putting myself in a vulnerable position of forcing myself to be as non-emotional as possible, as some of what I would love to say in response to a loved one’s last communication with me directly could be seen as attacking or slanderous, though I intend to speak as honestly about the reality from my own experience of a shared reality at one point.

My last interaction with my younger sister, via text format on a social media site, left her in a position of stating that she could no longer communicate with me, to which I knew I would respect for so many reasons I chose not to delve into with her at that time.  I knew it probably would upset her once I stated what I had intended to do with our conversation up to that point, in as an unemotional way as possible, in an attempt to help me learn what I am doing to be detrimental in conversations, when it seems so frequently that a conversation becomes such an all out verbal, if not physical, brawl.  It is something I have been struggling with since a time before I was even in Kindergarten and something I have been on a quest for, very consciously at least, the past 14 years.  I knew I could accept a boundary of not communicating with me any longer if it meant that I finally spoke words that expressed feelings of a very tender subject after I had gotten some sleep from a completely emotionally charged conversation that prompted me to contact my sister to let her know an update on an on-going situation I had been updating her on for a while.  I truly needed that sleep before I knew immediately during the exchange that I had commented more than once that I needed to not respond anymore because I was feeling so emotional and wanted to respond to her in a way that would have been lashing out.  I second guessed myself after writing it while I took a break from work the following only until I got her response back, to which I replied a little emotionally, and I second guessed that, feeling a bit guilty for replying at all, instead of just letting it be, though it was a few hours later that I knew exactly what I had to do by blocking her from me, as well as blocking me from her, as I handed my phone to someone else and telling them that they could not let me have it back, after only seeing a few words on her last message to me because I could no longer handle the negativity and drama it caused, especially when I had been out trying to have fun with friends and had a couple of drinks when the message came through.

I know without a doubt neither of us contacting each other would be what is best for both of us, though I do have concerns about communicating ethical decisions that may need to be made, especially in regards to our parent’s deaths (later rather than sooner), though I’m sure that I’ll be ready to cross that bridge when I get there.  For now, I need to respond to her last message, and it may take me a few entries to get through it all, especially if my responses wander a bit from the main focus, though I hope to keep things as focused as possible and expound on other points more at a later point since it is very emotional for me.

The first sentence she wrote was suggesting I re-read our entire conversation and belittled and minimized what I had written by stating my intention was to make myself out to be superior to her.  If stating I was frustrated that our conversations were so lace with anger and lashing out (from both of us over the years) from the abusive childhood we shared and resentments that seemed to never be resolved was to make myself out to be superior, then so be it, and I’ll concede to that only on the basis that my reality has left her feeling I have laid guilt trips, which I have been known to do, intentionally as well as unintentionally.  I am not very good at communication in a lot of ways, though I have always seemed to have some passion for it in 1 way or another, and after many years of my life not learning more about non-toxic communication, I realize that I have not had many opportunities to see what that type of communication really is in practice.  I have laid guilt trips, in subtle and not-so subtle ways, to manipulate people I loved when I felt hurt to get the love I felt I was lacking (again, both consciously and unconsciously) as well as when I projected my own feelings of guilt onto someone else, and while I am still not where I want to be with the frequency of doing it, I have spent a long time and put in a lot of effort to get to a point of analyzing my own words and feelings and want to learn how to be healthier in my communication.

That was just the first sentence, and I can tell it may be a bit longer than I intended.  I think sleep and writing more another night is in order.

I am at the beginning stages of trying to refinance my house, as part of my divorce settlement that was awarded in November of 2013, and I am finding it very hard not to be both positive about the experience as well as nervous and doubtful that this huge personal achievement will come to pass within the next month as I had hoped.  Anxiety about the possibility of my home not being assessed at a high enough value to be able to refinance yet has definitely been creeping in as I reflect on the time I tried to refinance as soon as my divorce was awarded, though I am trying to rationalize the thoughts as trying to keep myself grounded in reality, in case things happened as they did before, and hope that my anxiety is not a form of self-sabotage or the negative version of the Law of Attraction that will garner me the results that I truly hope do not repeat from my last experience.

I have sacrificed a lot to get where I am at and feel proud of my accomplishments, yet there is a part of me that seems to be feeling quite a bit of shame in feeling proud, as if I need to ensure I’m not so confident that I end being arrogant and feel completely defeated if I need more time to unlock the life achievement that I’ve taken great care to try to unlock.  I know failing at this goal, at this time, will not break me completely, though the reality of pushing the goal off to a different time frame, again, will have some ramifications that I’d rather avoid, including pushing off the extra things that I would like to give to my children.

My children have everything they need; a roof over their head, utilities, food, and even clothing, though there is so much more I would like to be able to give them.  I would love to be able to take them traveling and experience places that I was blessed to be able to experience, just for starters, though the luxuries I seem to be denying them that their peers have been afforded are lower on my priority list until I can get past this hurdle of refinancing my house.  That is a concept I have tried to explain to my children after every “…but everyone else…” and “We don’t get anything…” comment is made; we have to sacrifice now so I can get to a point of budgeting in those luxuries and maintain the home we have as well, and it is a promise I made in the dissolution of my marriage to their father.  I have to legally keep this promise before I can focus on giving them any of the things they want that are over and above what they need to survive, which can be a difficult concept to explain without sounding as if I am being selfish, especially when I am at a point in life that I refuse to go into debt to put my children first outside of their immediate needs.

I was heartbroken when, after my 4th attempt at filing for divorce and it finally being granted (doing things pro se 3 times previously just didn’t work out; the judges would not grant our mutually agreed upon settlement – a point I can see both sides of, begrudgingly), I immediately sought to refinance the house as my ex-husband and I agreed upon and was told I needed to pay off about another $10,000 in debt before I could refinance. The mortgage and equity loan were the last items that I needed to remove his name from as far as jointly owned/responsible accounts, and the sooner I could get that accomplished, the better, as there was always tension when it came to finances between us that would lead to closure and less to argue about if it could be done as soon as possible.  It was frustrating to tell the mortgage banker that I already had a loan against my 401K account (which was used to help pay off the extra $6,500 in credit card debt I had agreed to take on), and had no family to lean on for such a loan, and realizing that any personal loan would not get me any closer if I used money from such a loan to pay down the outstanding equity loan balance.

I felt completely devastated at the news, since I could afford the house payments on my own, which unfortunately was part of the problem in our marriage that, I believe, made him feel so emasculated (in addition to the resulting affair I ended up having), and with the way I had evolved my finances over the years and my length of employment with the same company, I had agreed to take on the house mortgage on my own, as well as the home equity loan we had against that, and even his half of some credit card debt that we had obtained over the years, in lieu of him receiving half of my 401K retirement balance.  Needless to say, my ex-husband actually got a pretty good deal, even though I was not giving him half of the equity in the house, or “buying him out”, since our house had fallen into disarray and with the amount of the equity loan, there was no true equity that I could give.

The devastation of hearing that reality, however, pushed me even harder to reach the goal of being able to refinance our house and be able to truly own the house on my own.  I had a goal, which I told my ex-husband about before we even got married, that I wanted to own a house by the time I was 30.  Due to the fact that he wanted to own a home before we had children, which he knew from the start that I wanted early for medical and selfish reasons of the ability to enjoy and be actively involved in being a mother, I was able to sign the mortgage to the house with him just before I turned 20 (in large part because of his VA status which equated to no money down and no private mortgage insurance required on the original loan), and also stepped across the stage to receive my GED in the same month.

December of 1999…talk about a time in my life that I will never forget.  It’s a time in my life I never want to forget in many ways, though in so many I wish I could forget, as I had crawled back from a dark hole that started roughly in May of 1996 (when I should have graduated high school instead of dropping out in January to move from Texas to Nebraska) when I was completely and utterly alone in a state where I had no family and friends and was taken advantage of in so man ways, and hit basically rock bottom at the end of January in 1997, emotionally and financially.  I am sure I could, and most likely will, write more about that time in my life in other posts, though right now, it reminds me that while I had some help emotionally and even a little help financially, I really am the one that got myself out of the pit of despair I was in; I knew what I needed to do and was blessed to receive some  motivation in ways, though what I did was more my determination than anyone seemed to give me credit for (or demanded that I acknowledge that if it weren’t for some help I would never be where I am now; a faulty logic that history can prove the fallacy of).

Since November 2013, I have successfully paid off my attorney’s fees (roughly $2,000) and paid off $3,000 of my mortgage principal, as well as just under $9,000 of my equity loan principal.  All I can do at this point is hope that when my house is appraised soon, that the value has not gone down enough to not be able to complete the refinance process this time, especially when I’ve succeeded in doing what I’ve done so far, with very little to almost no help from anyone else in my life.

I am looking forward to, yet very nervous about, finally unlocking the achievements I have, and this one is the 2nd one of the most daunting I have taken on in my life so far…the first was getting through my divorce, which I had never thought I would do, nor had even a thought of it being an achievement…initially.